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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

211 replies

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:14

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2016 22:04

He needs more than that to make a real change. There will be charities with recovery programmes in your area. He needs to sign up with one. Really.

I've just read your other thread. 51/2 years, with a young son ... It's not good. I'm sorry but I am worried that he might not be the only one on denial.

Penfold007 · 19/03/2016 22:09

You are both using drugs. You need to accept and deal with that.

SupSlick · 19/03/2016 22:13

I hate drugs, so I would be tempted to make an anonymous call stating you can smell weed coming from the house. But I get that's probably going to wreck your relationship, he could lose his job, he could find out etc etc.

Agree with PP that you can't expect him to have your take it or leave it approach with weed, seen as he seems to have quite an addictive personality in that he's swapped one for another.

I would issue an ultimatum, but that's just me.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 22:13

Just because its not as bad doesnt mean its good. The problem is that years of it being terrible have skewed your perception. I think you would both benefit from outside help tbh, to help you both see the reality of your situations.

Not have a go at you at all, just worried that perhaps you arent seeing things as they really are because things arent as bad as they used to be.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/03/2016 22:16

I remember your post.

My opinion now is the same as then. You don't prioritise your child and inadvertently enable your addict partner.

Disappointed to see that you didn't take the advice you received last time on board.

I feel sorry for your son.

Original poster

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 22:17

That's exactly why I'm posting again bogey I'm now starting to see things are far from perfect. When times have been worse you are greatful for any improvement but I'm realising ds deserves more than 'better than before'.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2016 22:19

I genuinely don't want to be horrible but a huge question for me, that I would try and get you to think about if I were your real life friend, is why you are happy to settle for someone who loves drugs more than you.
With someone who is addicted and using, you are always going to come second to the drug(s). Always.
I'm guessing you wouldn't put up with being a second wife, while he lavished love on first wife, so why this?

Original poster

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 22:19

I'm sorry alis I'm posting because as much as I hated reading back through that thread the next day, I did and I am taking things on board. I want to make a positive change for ds.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/03/2016 22:19

Look love - if you recognise things are shit, leave.

Your son deserves better than this.

You are at least posting sober this time, I suppose.

GarlicShake · 19/03/2016 22:21

This may be a bit controversial.

I recommend YOU go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. They're lovely! It doesn't matter that you're a lightweight - any 12-stepper can go to any of the fellowships. I spent a year sober, and went to NA more often than AA as I liked them much more (still had a sponsor network in AA, though, since the day-to-day problems can be different.)

Just do it. And do your steps, they've never hurt anyone :)

This will give you no end of perspective on what your DP's thinking. It will also subtly alter your relationship. I can't predict exactly how - what I mean is that, when you change your attitude, then everyone around you has to change theirs as well.

If nothing else, you're likely to make new friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2016 22:21

I'm going to go against the grain here. I was on your other thread, I am very glad you're back

If your use of cannabis is 'healthy' you don't need to give it up permanently any more than the partner of an alcoholic, one who has a healthy relationship with alcohol, has to give up drinking. A good way to check if your relationship is healthy is to have a month or two away from it. Not giving up, just checking; if you crave it, if your moods change, if you can't sleep etc. If you are doing it around your child, there is an issue BTW.

If your partner has a healthy relationship with cannabis, he can also do this. I give up alcohol for a couple of months every year; my partner does the same.

If your partner gets defensive, angry, sulks, storms off at the suggestion, it's a VERY good indication he has a really bad relationship with dope. He needs support. I know he doesn't want to go to NA because they will make him give up dope What about a drug and alcohol counselor? There are some great ones.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/03/2016 22:22

If you want to make a positive change there a people who can help.

You can do it and you and your boy will be completely fine without having to constantly worry about what state his father is in.

You can do it.

lougle · 19/03/2016 22:22

Are you smoking tobacco or weed? If it's tobacco, then your reply is that tobacco isn't illegal. If it's weed, then you're being hypocritical and he can't be blamed for seeing it.

Original poster

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 22:27

garlic thank you, I'll look into it.

Mrs tp I could easily not smoke. However having seen what dh is like without it is worrying. He has horrible nightmares and get irritable and aggressive (verbally never physicaly). I've only ever seen him clean of weed on foreign holidays.

OP posts:

bettyberry · 19/03/2016 22:27

he's switched from one dependency to another. He needs to work on why he needs the crutch and tbh any therapy he has had previous for his drink recovery should have the built foundations for managing it.

He would need to go back through what ever programme he used before but that could be a very scary prospect for someone who slowly having, what they believe to be their support, their security blanket taken away. It will be hard.

You need to stop first. Stop making excuses as to why you use it. Its a drug, it DOES affect you whether you care to admit it.

You say It's a social relaxing activity for me. It doesn't affect my mood or dictate my actions.

so what is it? does it relax you socially or doesn't it? you can't say is doesn't affect you then in another sentence say it does. You are just as oblivious to the effects of it on yourself as you are with your DP.

With him having been through recovery I suggest you personally take up some of that help too then you can get your DP more help and both of you can stop using drugs.

wonkylampshade · 19/03/2016 22:30

I'm glad you're back too op.

I'd second the advice to get yourself to a drug and alcohol counsellor - if you can find a good one.

I saw one for about six months and she actually gave me the strength to change my situation. I've never looked back.

Choughed · 19/03/2016 22:31

I posted on your other thread. It's nice to see you back and asking such positive questions.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2016 22:34

He has horrible nightmares and get irritable and aggressive He has a serious problem and needs help. If he doesn't get it you need to leave.

Sorry, I know it sucks, particularly as he is making some changes.

Original poster

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 22:34

Where do you find drug and alcohol counselors?
Thanks for your links to your previous posts lampshade I also see the similarities. I read back through a post of my own under a different name a few months after ds was born and it was even more similar

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 19/03/2016 22:35

If you don't stop too, then you legitimise it to him. I appreciate that it's like asking someone who has wine with meals out to stop drinking because their husband is an alcoholic... but, well. I think if your spouse is an alcoholic then most do stop drinking because it threatens their sobriety, no?
If someone gets that defensive that fast, then they are protecting something they know is wrong but have no desire or intention to stop doing. Ask a woman whose husband is cheating.
You can't make him do anything. He has to want to. If he's heavily using weed, then he is not sober and not in recovery. He's just moved his drug of choice to one that more easily facilitates denial.
As gently as possible... have you heard of co-dependency? Because you can't make him do anything at all, whether that be see his drug use your way (the right way!) or stop using, and more importantly, you mustn't get locked into a relationship where his drug use is your responsibility. That can only end badly - for him, and for you. He is a grown adult and unless he chooses to stop using something, then he won't. He knows. At some level he does know, or the explosive reaction to your raising it wouldn't be 0 - 90 like that. He just doesn't want to know. Also known as denial.

Are you accessing support? Loving an addict is a very particular form of hell and you need and deserve help yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2016 22:36

I've been out of the addictions and therapy game for years now but Goggle found this.

sleeponeday · 19/03/2016 22:38

Adfam. They support the families and loved ones of drug users.

thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2016 22:41

Google drug and alcohol support for your area. Phone the local council and ask the switchboard to put you through to drug and alcohol services.

Definitely flow other posters' advice and get support for you.

Original poster

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 22:42

Thanks sleep all really good points. However shocked I was by his OTT response to me calling it 'taking drug's' it was a bit of a light bulb moment.
Yes, since last post I've been looking at Co dependence. I felt that because I really want to be protected and looked after rather than being the protecter it couldn't apply to me but actually because I am so, so scared of confrontation (with anyone) I comply and enable. Horrible home truths ay?

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 19/03/2016 22:44

I saw this in your last thread:

I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him.

In all honesty, OP, I think taking a cold, hard look at his father might be top of the list. Really and truly. Is this the start in life any child should have?

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