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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

211 replies

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:14

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 08:00

Lots of great advice here.

I say this periodically but I do think it's ridiculous that there's no drug addiction topic on MN.

We have an alcohol support area. Why not drugs? Hundreds of thousands of us are affected by drug abuse whether we are addicts, children, parents or partners of addicts. It's weird.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/03/2016 08:00

On your last thread I felt you needed to leave to protect your son (& iirc SS are involved?). I still feel you need to leave to protect your son.

Your partner doesn't sound capable of giving up dope currently. He may stay off the hard stuff, he may slip back on. It will be easier to slip back while he is taking dope & therefore mixing with dealers etc. He's not going to make the changes needed for SS to believe he's a fit father & there will be concerns about your parenting & choices while you are with him. Do yourself & your son a favour & leave.

Throwingshadeagain · 20/03/2016 08:01

Probably to do with advertisers wonky. MN have to tread a careful line. I agree with you though.

curren · 20/03/2016 08:03

Op his family know. His family are not fooled by your running around trying to create a cover. You know this. That's why they have taken a step back.

Do you want your son to grow up seeing his mother trying to hide the addiction. And how long do you think it will be before he knows. Before your PR management between you do and you ds fails and he knows?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/03/2016 08:13

I didn't see your thread, but I guarantee you're not the first or last person to act like a twat on a thread. It's not the end of the world,. We've probably all got some twatteryness in us.

wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 08:15

I think it's pearl clutching nonsense - we cover every aspect of life on here. Maybe it's snobbery, I don't know. Advertisers wouldn't give a hoot as long as they are still advertising to us all.

It's not right that people struggling with addiction have to post in chat, relationships and aibu...there's great advice here - why not create a topic and make it into an easily accessible resource?

Throwingshadeagain · 20/03/2016 08:17

Again I agree, but they probably don't want posts from the 'drugs' topic on MN making it into the Daily Mail and there being a big knee jerk 'mums on drugs - disgusting' response. (Some) drugs are illegal, booze isn't to raise an obvious point too!

wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 08:24

Don't want to derail Jesse's thread but I think you're right and there might be an element of that. Having a topic wouldn't mean they are endorsing drug use though - it's a short-sighted and anal position to take if that really is their reasoning.... It's a very real problem throughout all sectors of society, and one which affects many of us.

MN is such a brilliant resource for all sorts of subject matter - some more palatable than others. I've see so many threads on this subject but if you check the topic list - nothing. It's almost like a form of denial in some ways.

Original poster
YoJesse · 20/03/2016 08:26

throwingshade I absolutely promise ds was not there that night.
lampshade it's mainly been drink and weed. Some coke use, occasionally pills when socialising and prescription painkillers (tramadol). Definitely alcohol was the biggest problem. Now though it's just weed.

I can't change some posters views of me and some points are valid but there is a lot of speculation going on. Quite a lot to hear before 9am.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 08:28

Stick in there Jesse, I know it's hard to hear judgements on you, but there's good advice here as well as speculative stuff. And lots of us who have "been there".

Throwingshadeagain · 20/03/2016 08:39

There's no reason why you should care about my or anyone's view of you on here, or need to justify yourself. I didn't say what I said to hurt you or judge you - I did it because I think it's true and it might just help you.

The substances you list above is a long line of drugs (I include alcohol). It's hard to stop all of that use, if you are 'socialising' and as I said in a previous post, I imagine you struggle with 'rules' and 'cutting down' and 'only at this event' and 'only once a month' and 'XXX during the week' etc etc etc. Only way is to accept you are powerless to it all and give it up.

Choughed · 20/03/2016 08:49

Try to ignore the posters who are looking for the immediate gratification of dramatic action today from you. I think you do need to reset your perspective on what is normal and acceptable and healthy for you and your son. There's lots of help out there if you just take the first step and ask for it.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/03/2016 08:57

YoJesse - I don't have an opinion on you - but I remember SS were involved & I am concerned you will walk into an utter mess because you don't realise how far from normsl your partner's actions are. SS aren't going to be judgmental in a personal sense (well if you get a good SW), but they do have to judge ability to not expose your child to risk - and I am concerned your son's father will be seen as a risk (tbh he sounds one).

I think advice from others to contact people like NA is good advice. There is help available to support you in making changes.

Good luck.

AyeAmarok · 20/03/2016 15:23

Was it the coke that showed up in the toxicology that flagged the problem you talked about in your last thread?

Original poster
YoJesse · 20/03/2016 16:41

Yes plus caught smoking weed on hospital grounds.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 16:47

Is he out of hospital now?

Original poster
YoJesse · 20/03/2016 16:52

Yes, this was a while ago.

OP posts:
Throwingshadeagain · 20/03/2016 16:55

How are you feeling about the whole situation this afternoon YoJesse? Sorry if I upset you earlier.

Original poster
YoJesse · 20/03/2016 16:57

I'm fine, haven't posted as it's been a busy Sunday. You didn't upset me.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 17:00

Sorry to deviate again Jesse, but just to let you and other posters know there's a thread in Site Stuff gauging interest in an addition topic - if you agree it'd be useful to have a dedicated space, please post here:

Addiction / substance dependency topic?
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2508852-Addiction-substance-dependency-topic

Jesse, I just want to let you know I really admire you for coming back and asking for further advice, I know it's not easy. Thanks

Original poster
YoJesse · 20/03/2016 17:03

Thank you, I'm just feeling weird this afternoon. Sort of knotted stomach, anxiety type feelings. I think things are going to change and I a bit scared.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 20/03/2016 17:04

Some people can do these things purely for recreation and some can't.

I used to have the odd joint when younger, a friend of mine still does.

When younger the odd line of charlie and it was a blast.

My poison was alcohol and Ive had periods over the years of drinking far too much.

If any of my sons were doing something far too much then it would be a big concern.

Throwingshadeagain · 20/03/2016 17:05

Yes it's extremely hard to face up to something this huge. I know the feeling of panic and anxiety that comes with it. But once you 'know' you can't shove your head back in the sand which is both good and bad.

Baconyum · 20/03/2016 17:12

Wrt anxiety this is something I suffer with. Often what helps is action. As the anxiety is often fear of the unknown. That action doesn't have to be something big, it can be just picking up the phone to a support group.

wonkylampshade · 20/03/2016 17:12

Making a big change is scary. But you know you have the right focus - your DS and the kind of life you want for him.

It's a desperately hard situation to be in - and not black and white no matter what anyone says. When you're in a relationship with an addict you are living in a very particular world that is held together with string. You're not responsible for the choices your DH makes though, and if he wants to continue using every day, you have to decide whether you can live with your DS growing up around that.

I personally couldn't do it. For all my frantic patching over his moods and us working our whole schedule around his drug use (we didn't even go on holiday as he couldn't last that long), at the end of the day I hoped for and wanted something better for my dd.

When the chips were down he would always have put himself and his own self indulgence over dd and I. Every single time. It took me a while to accept that was never going to change, but it didn't and hasn't since.