To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

(304 Posts)
YoJesse Sun 28-Feb-16 14:58:53

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

LaurieFairyCake Sun 28-Feb-16 15:00:42

Yes, I think you are. Maybe they'd had enough of all the behaviour that goes along with the addiction and the spiral into self abuse.

It's very good of you to stay with him, I wouldn't. But please be aware that his addiction may negatively affect you too and you may need to get out one day.

infife Sun 28-Feb-16 15:00:45

It's scary for everyone. Their reaction is harsh, but relatively normal.

Direct them to www.adfam.org.uk/ - they will need support just as much as he and you.

NellysKnickers Sun 28-Feb-16 15:01:42

Nope not at all. You are amazing sticking by him. I've been there, it's a struggle especially with small dc's. Keep strong you are better off without their negativity.

ZiggyFartdust Sun 28-Feb-16 15:04:23

Of course YABU. You don't know that you would always keep supporting your son. How many years did they put up with his drinking and drugtaking before they cut him off?

SevenSeconds Sun 28-Feb-16 15:04:47

Maybe they've already been there for him many, many times over the years?

I don't believe I would ever break ties with my DC. But I guess everyone has a breaking point.

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:07:09

What Laurie said. Good for you sticking by him but don't expect that from everyone. People have their limits even if they are family.

Griphook Sun 28-Feb-16 15:07:15

How long has he been an addict, it could be a case where it's been going on for years? It's such a ripple effect that causes so much pain. Maybe they had enough, maybe you will have enough one day.

Deletetheheat Sun 28-Feb-16 15:13:44

You say you can't imagine getting to that point.

Exactly.

You haven't lived with it, you are not his mother, so you can't imagine it.

There are so many, many threads on here by family members of addicts who just cannot cope with it anymore.

YoJesse Sun 28-Feb-16 15:19:00

I don't know where leading a chaotic lifestyle ends and addiction starts. He's always been a bit of a wildcard but don't think they've had to deal with him directly in full on addict state. He was more your lazy stoner still living at home in his early twenties.

Thanks nelly
I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him.

pointythings Sun 28-Feb-16 15:22:09

I think you are being a bit U. Everyone has their limits, and as parents you can't just consider one of your DCs - you have to think of the others as well. I speak as the OH of a man with alcohol issues - we seem to be turning a corner, but he knows there is a limit to my tolerance - because I have to think of the welfare of our DDs.

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:24:15

He was more your lazy stoner still living at home in his early twenties.

And you wonder why?? Think by the time he hit hit full limit they might just be tired of this. You will probably get there at some point so don't judge rbemS

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:24:23

Them

ZiggyFartdust Sun 28-Feb-16 15:26:33

I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him

Easy to say when he's tiny. Quite a lot harder if he's 25 and on drugs and living in your house. Harder still when he's a father and still addicted to drink and drugs.

Your husband didn't tackle his addictions for you, or for your son, but only when it affected his own health seriously? That points to him probably not treating his family very well in the past either.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 28-Feb-16 15:29:31

As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. Let's hope you never have to. I've worked in addictions and the advice to families is frequently to cut off the addict. Because unconditional love plus support, money, time and effort often equals enabling.

Or, as my lovely friend who recovered from crack addiction says, "how dare you rob a person you love of their rock bottom?".

MaryRobinson Sun 28-Feb-16 15:31:12

As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son.

I guarantee that when your DH was a tiny baby son she would have said that. And yet your husband has emotionally bled her dry. Rather than standing in proud judgement, think about the choices and actions of your husband that has made that possible. And then assume if he would do it to his mother he won't need to pause for breath to inflict it on you and your children.

YoJesse Sun 28-Feb-16 15:37:55

Believe me, I've been there and back about leaving but never actually did it. It was mostly around the safety of our son. Now he's recovering things are the best they've been for years although I can sense he's bored as going out is off limits.

littleleftie Sun 28-Feb-16 15:38:40

YABU

They have had years of this, and as PP have said, they may have been told their support was enabling his addictive behaviour.

I do hope your DH health improves and that he can learn to live without his addictions, but it seems like you are deflecting blame away from him by pointing the finger at his family.

MardyGrave Sun 28-Feb-16 15:42:56

Could you walk away from your husband for your son op? Growing up around addicts is such a damaging dysfunctional life.

You realise people are probably judging you for bringing your son up in that environment, just as you judge your in laws from walking away.

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 15:43:07

Yabvu, so you accepted that he brought this problem into your lives, jeopardized the safety of your child and only straightened his ways because he was forced to and you think everyone should do the same. Sounds like you are blaming his family for the wrong reasons. Sounds like they have had enough.
Easy enough for you to say you won't do this, but you allowed this when he wasn't safe around your son?

PatriciaHolm Sun 28-Feb-16 15:44:17

Yes, it does sound as if you are hugely minimising what he's done and the devastating effect it can have. Also; it doesn't sound now as if he's all too serious about kicking it either; he's only doing it because his own health dictated, not because he cares about the effect it's having on you or anyone else he loves, and he's "bored" because going out isn't an option? So staying at home with you is boring?

His parents have lived with this for years, far more than you. And he's still showing no real commitment to getting clean.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sun 28-Feb-16 15:45:37

YABU, maybe they have reached thier limits after all this time.

As for the comment "there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him", not quite true. His dad was using drugs before he was conceived and didn't give up after becoming a parent. Most parents wouldn't have a child with a known user or stay after as it's an awful life for a child.

NanaNina Sun 28-Feb-16 15:51:35

This isn't a yes or no answer - it's far more complicated isn't it and there's a lot we don't know and maybe you don't know either. I imagine you know how long this addiction has been going on and how long his parents have supported him. Maybe as others have said they have come to the end of the line. It could be that he has stolen from them to feed his addiction as this is common practice.

I don't know how long you have been together - over 3yrs obviously as you have a 3 year old. How are you coping with the addiction and do you not worry about the affect on your son. I'm not sure why the ILs are not seeing you and their grandson - that seems a bit mean.

I agree with littleleftie in that you are deflecting blame away from DH by being critical of his parents.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 28-Feb-16 15:54:04

Good gravy, I'd kick out a "lazy stoner in his room" within a week

Maybe if they'd done that earlier instead of facilitating his addiction it wouldn't have taken him years to get his shit together hmm

Helmetbymidnight Sun 28-Feb-16 15:54:51

Yabu.

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