Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there aren't enough decent men to go round?

290 replies

elementofsurprise · 17/03/2016 09:53

I am sick of men - haven't had a realtionship for ages, so it's not caused by any particular one, just a general observation of the crap specimens the patriarchy has produced.

Was hit on yet again last night by a man who seemed perfectly nice and intelligent and polite to start with but got weirdly pressuring and controlling when I tried to politely decline. Is it so impossible for men to actually be pleasant and get to know someone? Must they always think with their dicks? (Wasn't out partying btw!)

And the ones that appear to be pleasant functional human beings turn into childish selfish assholes after a while - is there a way to avoid this? Because being friends for months/years first (so you think you know them) just seems to lead to a situation which is a prolonged 'chase' for them and they don't want you once they have you... My last boyfriend treats his female friends far, far better than he treated me.

I am 30 and worried I will never have a partner, because the cliche appears to be true - "all the good ones are taken"! And there seems to be more nice, normal, considerate etc etc women around than men. Sadly I am coming to the conclusion that this isn't just perception, but due to societal expctations, meaning men are just more likely to be overgrown children/inconsiderate/selfish/poor lifestyle/alcholic/poor hygeine/other massive red flag etc.

Sigh.

OP posts:
FlowersAndShit · 17/03/2016 10:03

I agree with you. The men of today are like little boys; mummy does all their washing/cooking/cleaning up after them and when they move in with their partner they expect her to do the same. The only few decent men I know are all in their 70's - from a different generation.

I think most women would be better off going it alone from the very start than relying on a man that is a constant disappointment and acts like an overgrown toddler. Most people in a relationship are with shitty men but they convince themselves that it's normal. Fuck that. I'd rather die a virgin!

NameAgeLocation · 17/03/2016 10:05

I think you might be right.
They are definitely out there though. I am slightly older than you FWIW. It took me a while to find one but he's a keeper.

NameAgeLocation · 17/03/2016 10:06

Yy flowers better to be alone than settle for a toddler.

Babyroobs · 17/03/2016 10:15

I am in a relationship and he is not a shitty man- He cooks, cleans, has laways done more than his fair share of lookng after our 4 kids when I have always worked wekends / evenings/ nights etc, is romantic and caring. Perhaps I am just lucky ( well I know I am ) but I also kow many other men like my dh. Most of my friends are in relationships with similar men too. I do however have a number of single colleagues who seem to be finding it difficult to find good men and finding it increasingly frustrating.

AdrenalineFudge · 17/03/2016 10:47

I felt a similar sort of way a while ago but unlike you it was caused by one particular man who was a liar and abusive. These days I take the view that I have certain standards, i.e. he has to be kind, respectful and loving. If a man falls short of these qualities then I move on without so much as a backwards glance. I think this is because I value myself a lot more than I did and any man I will be with should also value me. I also have seen men who seemed to be 'perfect' suddenly turn cold so nothing is a given. I take it as it comes and have found this to be a far better measure than feeling bitter at the short-comings of men.

Pufflehuff · 17/03/2016 10:51

Maybe it's just that online dating attracts a certain kind of man. I've had, and known of, far better quality relationships that have developed by actually being around someone and getting to know them. You can see from the first moment if they're a mummy's boy, drunkard or sex pest. There are plenty of nice guys, it's just they're not looking for one night stands on dating apps.

curren · 17/03/2016 11:01

My dh isn't anything like this, nor are the majority of men I know.

So I think Yabu. Some people are knobheads. It's unfortunate you are coming across more of them.

Savagebeauty · 17/03/2016 11:05

Plenty of women are knobheads too

feellikeahugefailure · 17/03/2016 11:07

There are lots of undecent people out and about. Its depresses me it seems to be more dog eat dog these days than ever. People want to do whatever the fuck they want regardless of how it affects other people.

NameChanger22 · 17/03/2016 11:10

I agree with you OP. I've had 10 boyfriends over the years - 9 were terrible. My male relatives are awful and abusive. Male teachers were bad, one was a child abuser until he hung himself from a tree and died.. My female friends all have shit bag partners. I now don't have any male friends and I haven't been in a relationship for 7 years.

When I look at the world and all the problems in it caused (almost always) by men I just despair.

There must be 'some' nice men out there, because as soon as someone starts a thread like this loads of married women jump in to say how wonderful their partners are. But Mumsnet isn't the real world. In the real world there are hardly any good men.

redexpat · 17/03/2016 11:13

YANBU.

My Uncle says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. I'd rather just skip the frog kissing stage thanks.

dippydeedoo · 17/03/2016 11:15

Maybe widen your type a bit .....i have a fantastic partner,we have such fab times together,laugh a lot and just get each other so well (he has had to cope with my dragging on depression and lots of issues with my children and ex too) ...... ordinarily we would never have met due to different social circles but im happy we did :).
Ex was a knob though although it took a decent man to make me see that x

ctjoy103 · 17/03/2016 11:18

My experience is that I've met and know nicer men than women. My Dh is really fab, my Db and dad too. In our group of friends the men are really great and well matched with their partners.
Where have you Been meeting these guys? There are good men out there just as there are good women.

cbigs · 17/03/2016 11:21

agree with you dippy my ex was a toddler but my current dp is absolutely fab. Until a decent one comes into your life op they will all seem shit. But it's only when you get one you realise theyre not. don't give up I would have missed so much if I hadn't persevered with OLD. and beleive me I came across some absolute pa knobheads during my time.

Alasalas2 · 17/03/2016 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToastDemon · 17/03/2016 11:28

I think YANBU as there are definitely a lot of awful blokes about, it always amazes me just how much bad behaviour some women seem to tolerate (especially as I have been one of them!) and how tense and unhappy many peoples relationships are.
I've got a really lovely, kind, considerate and grown-up where necessary DH but I've had a couple of utter shitters in the past and I really do appreciate how lucky I am.

Weirdly, most of the single guys I know are actually very nice. Seems that they often wind up staying single when the arseholes get the women.

makingmiracles · 17/03/2016 11:30

Yep. My ex was/is a total tool. He was lazy, expected me to run around after him and run his life for him basically with minimal effort from him. My partner now though is amazing, caring, thoughtful, uses his initiative, does his share of the housework and looking after the children without needing instructions and without moaning.
sometimes I feel like it's a case of looking in the right places for the decent ones. Eg not nightclubs/dating websites etc

makingmiracles · 17/03/2016 11:34

Btw I'm convinced a lot of my friends have far from perfect relationships, far too much posting on Fb about how their partners are so great etc etc and it's been said before how the more people go on about it publically, the more likely it is their relationship is crap and the posts are a front to the outside world. In our 5 yrs together I've only ever mentioned my partner on Fb twice! No need to write slushy posts about how much I love him/he loves me as we are happy and don't feel we need to prove ourselves to anyone!!

BertieBotts · 17/03/2016 11:39

Reality said it best IMO. "I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off."

Original poster
elementofsurprise · 17/03/2016 11:41

Pufflehuff Maybe it's just that online dating attracts a certain kind of man. I've had, and known of, far better quality relationships that have developed by actually being around someone and getting to know them.

I've never tried online dating - did my OP give that impression? I'm also not "looking for one night stands on dating apps"!

You can see from the first moment if they're a mummy's boy, drunkard or sex pest.

Actually I can't. As mentioned, my ex was someone I'd known for several years, and to this day he treats his female friends with respect but as his girlfriend I was treated like dirt (and in a really childish, bullying sort of way too).

Anyway, even the ones where the red flags are waving from the start contribute to the general impression that there are very few decent single men out there!

OP posts:
ctjoy103 · 17/03/2016 11:41

Agree with Bertie. If 9/10 you end up with shit men you have to sit down and think why this is so? You should think about why you are making the same mistake over and over.

Artandco · 17/03/2016 11:42

It's just your perspective I think

My Dh is wonderful. Kind, caring, funny. Of all our friends in relationships all men we know are decent ( as far as we can see, obviously some stuff could be hidden). Male relatives in both our families are also the same, all kind, considerate people.

Both my father and grandfather and brothers would all be horrified and are if they see a male ( or female), acting rude or unkind to their partner.

The type of behaviour I see from others outside or hear via here and the news is not what I experience at all.

Maybe you need to look in different environments? A diffenent town or city maybe, or join different type of groups or classes to meet people.

FlowersAndShit · 17/03/2016 11:43

To all those with decent partners, where did you meet them?

Original poster
elementofsurprise · 17/03/2016 11:45

Alasalas2 Not all men are shit.

I know - there just seems to be more shit men than shit women! So there's not enough decent men to go round! Glad to hear nice single men do actually exist though :)

OP posts:
Artandco · 17/03/2016 11:46

Oh and my Dh is a def mummy's boy. That's not a bad thing. His family are Greek, and live in Greece. His mother is a typical Greek mother who pampers all 4 children when she can. Him being ' doted' on by his mother means she calls him and him her each week, and the few times a year they see each other she doesn't let him ( or anyone really) lift a finger. That has just made Dh kinda in my opinion as he has learnt it's nice to be pampered on sometimes.