To think there aren't enough decent men to go round?

[elementofsurprise]

I am sick of men - haven't had a realtionship for ages, so it's not caused by any particular one, just a general observation of the crap specimens the patriarchy has produced.

Was hit on yet again last night by a man who seemed perfectly nice and intelligent and polite to start with but got weirdly pressuring and controlling when I tried to politely decline. Is it so impossible for men to actually be pleasant and get to know someone? Must they always think with their dicks? (Wasn't out partying btw!)

And the ones that appear to be pleasant functional human beings turn into childish selfish assholes after a while - is there a way to avoid this? Because being friends for months/years first (so you think you know them) just seems to lead to a situation which is a prolonged 'chase' for them and they don't want you once they have you... My last boyfriend treats his female friends far, far better than he treated me.

I am 30 and worried I will never have a partner, because the cliche appears to be true - "all the good ones are taken"! And there seems to be more nice, normal, considerate etc etc women around than men. Sadly I am coming to the conclusion that this isn't just perception, but due to societal expctations, meaning men are just more likely to be overgrown children/inconsiderate/selfish/poor lifestyle/alcholic/poor hygeine/other massive red flag etc.

Sigh.

• kinder

Technically I met DH at school but we didn't get together until much later. So he was an old friend I used to talk to online at the time we did.

Only other decent ex I ever had I met at a party through a friend when I was 18 or so.

Flowers I met my Dh at work. We got to become friends first before actually dating and for me that's very important. He also had a good group of friends, a really decent bunch of people that became my friends. You can judge people by the type of company they keep.
He's so good with his family and now with mine, that was important to me too.
I've always been the type to feel that I needed to know a person's qualities to be 'worthy' enough for me. It's worked for me though.

ctjoy Agree with Bertie. If 9/10 you end up with shit men you have to sit down and think why this is so? You should think about why you are making the same mistake over and over.

As mentioned in the OP - I'm not sure. In my last relationship I waitied until I thought I really knew the guy. His female friends would be horrified if they knew how he'd treated me - even got physially violent towards the end. Maybe this was unlucky though. But I've not looked for a relationship since my teens - I'm quite happy single, I just want to know it'll happen at some point! But because I've not been looking as such, when I have had relationships it's because the man has appeared really worth it at the start.

Btw - the pushy man I met last night wasn't through online dating or anything, it was just random (erm atually it was a load of us playing chess in the pub). I wasn't thinking anything to do with relationships, just chatting to a human, forgetting women can't speak to men without silently offering sex too . It was the not taking no for an answer that pissed me off.

I sometimes wonder if it is a generational issue. In some ways I think the men I meet in their 30s and early 40s are quite spoiled and often strangely more conservative in their views of men and women. The "baby boomer" men in their 50s and older who often went to university at a time of more radical politics are people who I often have more in common with! But perhaps it is just a maturity that comes with age.

Of course there are exceptions and there are some lovely men I know in their 30s. However, I also see men having a lot of affairs, objectifying women and being far less willing to share childcare and housekeeping than they really should be. Frankly, I would rather be on my own than date somebody who I don't trust or who thinks it is my place (notwithstanding my career) to keep the household running smoothly.

So YANBU from my perspective.

My DP is a star. He's loving and kind and handsome and takes on at least 50% of the parenting of our son (I have health issues). He does his fair share around the house, earns three times as much as me but never acts like that gives him more right to make financial decisions, and he loves me and DS to bits. Don't get me wrong, he can be annoying too sometimes but on the whole, I'd say he is the epitome of a real adult man. I had to kiss A LOT of frogs before I met him though, and we met when we were in our thirties.

AnUtterIdiot
It's not having children that really wrenches at my insides. I know there's ways and means but they're not really open to me. I might just about conceive a future with no DP but no DC and I don't know how I'll go on.

Ready I've noticed that too, sadly. I thought it was immaturity but then they grew up like that . And the radical/feminist men I know all have huge issues like poor personal/house hygeine or something!

Dunno. Yes I know some very lovely guys, DH included, as well as his brothers, my brother, and male cousins. But they all have their faults ( dont we all) and in every case it is the woman who is the consistent, organised parent. This is something I struggle with, even though the men in question are all involved, loving fathers.
If you can avoid people with alcohol problems and issues of control, then its a question of what more minor faults are you prepared to tolerate?
I'd look for kindness, every time.

I know a lot of decent men but none of them are single. In contrast, I know many decent women (attractive too) who struggle to find a suitable partner.

This may be because my friends are almost all women so I know more women than men.

My attached female friends almost all have wonderful partners.

My dh is a keeper (luckily, as he is my ft carer!), but if we split up i dont think i'd ever live with a man again

lot of thick useless women around...oh, am I not allowed to say that? It is the same as the 'men are all crap' thing.

most people are decent. If you live in arsehole central, socialise elsewhere. You're also unlikely to pick up anyone decent if all you have in common is drinking. This is why hobbies are a good idea.

Voyage, i used to know a woman who (in her late thirties) wouldnt date a man if he

• had children
• was divorced
• had been in the army
• still lived with his parents

Yet then wondered why all the men she dated didnt turn out to be keepers. 🙄

I know some lovely single men. They are all geeky/shy types. Single cos they have no clue how to approach women and generally feel like they haven't anything to offer as the media/other males when they were teens tell them women want flash cars, money and a man who is confident/can dance/X/Y/Z and they believe it. Bless 'em.

Go and hang around your nearest software company :D

Eek, imagine if a man had written that about women, about so few of them being up to scratch!
There are assholes of both sexes, OP. I've been lucky with my lovely DH, but I know lots of nice men (all married/ empartnered, admittedly!).
So I think you are being a bit U, but do hope you find someone wonderful soon.

Billy Connelly once said All men are not bastards, you just attract bastards!

The only happy relationships I know of are between lesbians.

I met mine at a political venue my eldest son had asked me to attend, it was entirely out of my comfort zone at that point and it took a year almost for me to realise that this lovely man was interested in me (not helped by eldest son not picking up on heavy hints from said lovely man lol) and out first "date" was somewhere I'd never dreamed I'd go .....,a dance class and a dance!! Now I love it :)

OP- def def go older. Had your exact issue and in late 20s when I knew I wanted to settle/ hopefully get married & have kids in not to dustant future- so I purposefully changed the types of guys I was looking for/went on dates with and found DH, quite a bit older than me but so much wiser with it, and no game playing involved as he'd been there/done that too.

He still winds me up on a daily basis and we squabble about the stupidest things but he is essentially a very kind, loyal, decent. caring man, they do exist!

to all those saying my husband is sharing caring considerate please tell me how much of the domestics you do and how much you do and be honest about it, because I'm very sceptical. i think most women are domestic servants.

babyroobs how much domestics does your partner really do? I'm interested because i too have 4 kids. my husband used to help with everything now he provides a wage but ive become the domestic servant. talking has changed nothing. be honest with me how much and how often does he do domestics? I'm sceptical all the women i know not just Asian women have told me the same they're expected to do the lions share, or all of it partners do jack all.