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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by not giving my husband money for train fare?

209 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 18:28

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

OP posts:
coralpig · 29/02/2016 18:30

Yes I think you are being unreasonable but I can see why you're exasperated

ZiggyFartdust · 29/02/2016 18:31

YANBU. He's treating you like you're his mammy, and he knows he doesn't have to do these things for himself because you will do it for him.
Fuck that. I'd also remind him that an incompetent man who has to run to you for every little thing is deeply unsexy.

theycallmemellojello · 29/02/2016 18:32

I wouldn't be bothered by losing things, but he needs to replace them. However, I think that withholding shared money is not right.

CallMeExhausted · 29/02/2016 18:32

Are you familiar with the concept of financial abuse?

As it is technically "his" money - I think YABU, and moreover, as you've said that you are not parried to a toddler, perhaps it is time to stop treating him like one.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:33

Fuck that shit. YANBU.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:35

She's not withholding money. He could find his bank card, arrange a replacement, or take his ID to a branch where they will give some money. It's very different.

Buglife · 29/02/2016 18:35

YABU. Losing things is annoying yes and he's obviously got in the habit of you getting out money for him when he needs it, but enabling of you there. But really you can't not give him his own earned money when he asks for it.

ZiggyFartdust · 29/02/2016 18:35

Are you familiar with the concept of financial abuse

Sod off with that! He loses all his bank cards and train tickets, and if she doesn't trail after him like a walking ATM you start wittering about "financial abuse"? I hope that is a very poor joke.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 18:36

YABU, you have no right to withold money from him.

If he's as badly organised as you say, then he probably has some undiagnosed dyspraxia or something along those lines that makes it genuinely difficult for him to keep track of stuff.

You are not bailing him out by allowing him access to his own money.

SalemSaberhagen · 29/02/2016 18:36

YANBU for being annoyed (why on earth has he not ordered a replacement bank card?!) but YABVU to withhold joint finances.

Sparkletastic · 29/02/2016 18:38

YANBU
Careless people never learn if they are always bailed out.

holdmybeer · 29/02/2016 18:39

Bit harsh exhausted she's not withholding access to money. He's a lazy arse who takes no responsibility for the fact that he's lost both his bank card and train ticket and is making it op's problem. Instead of begging her to help him it has become expected!

Op YANBU but in the interest of keeping the peace I would help him out on this occasion but make it clear it is the last time and that he needs to replace his bank card asap.

Sparkletastic · 29/02/2016 18:40

And lol at the 'undiagnosed' 'financial abuse' brigade.
Never used to be like this before the kittens took over the nest of vipers.

tictactoad · 29/02/2016 18:40

Infuriating, yes but I think it would be unreasonable to pull the plug without warning.

Just tell him this is the last time you will be helping out. Next time he asks (because he will, he's been conditioned to) refer him back to that conversation.

Grilledaubergines · 29/02/2016 18:42

Yeah, you really shouldn't be withholding money from him.

yanbu to be pissed off with his lack of getting a new card though.

whatdoIget · 29/02/2016 18:43

Yanbu. There's no incentive for him to take more care and order a new bank card of you just keep helping him. It must be lovely to live like that and not have to take any responsibility for anything apart from work, but not realistic for an adult yo live like that.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:43

My DS has quite severe dyspraxia and has learned how not to lose his train ticket to college and his bank card. And his keys. And his phone.

He has had his moments growing up, but he has learned. He's 17.

If something goes wrong, e.g. his lap top has problems, he has researched a repair shop where he takes it.

He doesn't just dump it all on to me.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/02/2016 18:47

YABVU, it's hs salary and withholding it was very wrong. What if he now keeps all the money so you can't control him?

Yes he loses things, it's irritating but it's life.

Naoko · 29/02/2016 18:48

My DP has had issues with this in that he constantly forgets his pin number, locks his card, and then doesn't do anything about getting it reset for months. It drives me fucking wild. We've had a few arguments about it because it means I can't even ask him to pick up milk on the way home unless I've personally handed him a fiver earlier that day. After a blow up last weekend, however, he has actually called the bank and got both replacement cards and pin reminders sent out, so I'm hoping this will now be fixed.

But. You can't refuse to let him access money. You can absolutely have a conversation about this or be angry or demand he sort it the fuck out, because it is maddening and disrespectful, but while you do that you do need to actually let him at the cash.

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 18:49

Sorry YABU
but I get how frustrating the lost things are

elegantlygrey1 · 29/02/2016 18:50

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2543620-Incompetent-husband-anyone-else

Long thread, you may find the discussions useful.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:50

She's not withholding money if he has a perfectly easy way to access it. He could walk into a bank with ID and bank account details and they'd sort him out.

Unless he works on the moon, he could have done that today.

Viviennemary · 29/02/2016 18:50

YABU totally. Imagine if this was a man dishing out this controlling behaviour to a woman. I'm really glad I'm not a man when I read some of those threads. I'd be out the door and wouldn't come back. Sorry but I just would not stand for this disrespectful treatment. Refusing him access to his own money. It's financial abuse IMHO.

lorelei9 · 29/02/2016 18:51

Well you shouldn't withhold money

But I would suggest pretending to lose things as often as he does, not replace them, then ask him for cash.

I get that there's a trade off of domestic tasks here but adults should be looking after their own bank cards and train tickets.

VelvetCushion · 29/02/2016 18:51

Agree with Ziggy and Sparkle

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