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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by not giving my husband money for train fare?

209 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 18:28

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

OP posts:
ouryve · 29/02/2016 21:10

That should be Abusive?

Because the OP is not. OP is sick and tired.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/02/2016 21:18

Man, there is a lot of projecting going on in this thread.

I fear for the human race if we are producing a breed of men that need babying and not held accountable for anything.

What if the OP needs the cash and cant get to a cash point or does it not matter that she might actually need because poor diddums cant be bothered sort shit out for himself.

Mumsnet is like an alien world at times.

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 21:31

Of course you aren't financially abusive. After years of putting up with this shit, you wouldn't give him the money to go to an optional activity, which he could actually get to cost free.

Vivienne tends to take a controversial position.

Anyhow, what he called you is out of order.

bumblebee1234 · 29/02/2016 21:33

Do you have a joint account?

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 21:43

We each have our own account which things get paid into (wages and WTC into his, CTC and CB into mine) and then we have a joint account which most of the bills go out of, so money goes into there to pay for those. We don't have cards for the joint account (well, I do but I don't use it as it's not a 'spending money' account, IYSWIM?) but I have one for my current account. DH should have one for his too, but obviously doesn't.

OP posts:
bumblebee1234 · 29/02/2016 21:43

YANBU your money is to feed and look after the children plus him. He has his money locked up in an account the only selfish one is him. He can't be bothered to get it poor excuse. He should be giving you money not the other way around.

bumblebee1234 · 29/02/2016 21:50

He is begging money of people for lunch don't he have no shame.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 21:53

Well I would imagine that to be abusive, you would need several instances of behaving in an abusive way rather than just once? A bit like bullying is about repetition not a one off instance.

Raga, do you mean that he is asking you to give you some money from your account that has only CTC and CB going in? Money that you are using to pay for food etc? And I suspect that he is not planning to give you that money back seen as useless he is with money.
I really though that the cash you were talking about was coming from the joint account. This is even more unacceptable Shock

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 21:56

Agree with loveb, I assumed it was the joint account. So those saying OP is stopping him accessing "his" money are wrong?

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 21:57

Why doesn't he get a couple of low-limit credit cards or even pre-paid cards locked in a box in the house in case of emergency lost card/ticket, if he knows he's prone to this?

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 22:00

I can reimburse myself, if that makes sense, as both our own accounts are linked to the joint account. So I can transfer money from any account to another one, as could he if he had his card/online banking key. But he does expect me to just give him cash or my card, whatever I have to hand.

OP posts:
LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 22:03

What DrSeuss said.

but it starts with him taking some resposnsibility though...

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/02/2016 22:04

This is really an arse about tit way for your hubby to behave - tell him no and mean no!!

No more until he phones for a new card!!

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 22:05

You may be on legally shaky ground giving him your card and PIN, worth checking,

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 22:07

Oh it's totally not allowed Seuss, I know that. I'm just not sure what else I can do. I don't always have cash and I have to go into town to get cash out, so it's a bit of a faff.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 29/02/2016 22:07

He sounds like an immature, selfish prick. And yet he's calling the OP a selfish bitch. I don't know how I'd cope with a partner using such misogynist language towards me.

YADNBU. As for all the accusations of abuse Shock I wonder how some people would cope if they were single.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/02/2016 22:08

It must be annoying, but YABU. I'd just give him the money but tell him it's the last time (and mean it).

I'm always running out of cash and borrowing £20 from DH as I'm running out the door. He doesn't get it back either! I don't lose things, though.

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 22:09

You can do what you've done now - say no to him repeatedly asking you to breach the T&C of your account!

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 22:13

Oh I plan to now. I might as well stick to what I've started and not bail him out anymore. I think if he actually phones and orders a new card then it's fair enough if I give him cash for the few days he'll have to wait for it to arrive, right? But if he just doesn't bother then why should I be his personal banking service?

OP posts:
DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 22:13

Does he not feel unconfortable being out and about with no access to funds if a train was cancelled or he had to suddenly meet you at the hospital for the kids or whatever?

CurbsideProphet · 29/02/2016 22:14

Wow YANBU.

Does he have a secret gambling problem (or similar) and is low on funds in his account?

I could not be in a relationship with a man who behaved as like such a child. It sounds so unattractive. Whinging because he hasn't bothered to order a new bankcard Hmm

He needs to take responsibility for his own bank card/train ticket. What a shoddy example to be setting for your children.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/02/2016 22:15

Wow, OP. I take back my previous post - it would appear you actually are the bank, from what you've said. To your DH, anyway. How utterly bizarre. I would not be giving him any money from my account anymore, bloody hell. Basically he can't be arsed ordering a bank card, so he expects you to get money out of your account in case he wants in, then go to the trouble of logging in a reimbursing yourself. Utterly, utterly stupid.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/02/2016 22:16

in case he wants any

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/02/2016 22:17

logging in and

Confused no idea what's going on with my keyboard/brain right now

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 22:17

Seuss he doesn't usually have a phone so I couldn't call him and tell him even if there was an emergency.

OP posts: