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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by not giving my husband money for train fare?

209 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 18:28

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

OP posts:
doroph0ne · 01/03/2016 11:18

OP has your DH always been like this? Did you hope he'd change?

Maybe he's a 'lazyarse' 'manchild' whatever. Or maybe he does have undiagnosed ADD/dyspraxia.

Might be useful to know whether it's learned behaviour or a developmental disorder before any further attempts to try and get him to change.

LoveBoursin · 01/03/2016 11:24

doroph0ne having a SN such as dyspraxia explains things but it doesn't mean someone who is diagnosed with such a condition can then stop feeling responsible and shouldn't take the initiative to sort things out.
It just means that the OP might want to be more forgiving/lenient when he loses his card again. It's still his responsibility to contact the bank and sort another one out.

Raga hope things are OK this am and that your DH is starting to get the message.

ThePebbleCollector · 01/03/2016 11:25

While I'm the one who always loses things like a loon, my partner consistently forgets everything... mainly how to do a task, and needs things re explaining and reminding quite regularly, it pisses him off having to ask as much as it does me repeating myself. Turns out it can be linked to his dyspraxia, so maybe doroph0ne is onto something there.

I don't think memory always tallies up to responsibility, I pretty much do everything for myself, but I still lose stuff all the time and make stuff hard for myself. He just needs to be taking more responsibility after the event.

doroph0ne · 01/03/2016 11:58

Boursin - I'm not in anyway suggesting that OPs husband be absolved of responsibilty, taking the initiatiive etc

But it's good to know what you're dealing with and maybe involves a different pathway to getting it sorted out

Either way what's crucial is if this man acknowledges that he's got some kind of 'problem' and is motivated to do something about it - whether or not that involves a psychology/OT assessment and help from a professional with strategies to improve both their lives. And I guess with ADD there would be the question of would medication help him too?

Or alternatively it's the way he's been brought up and/or socio-cultural expectations that make him a 'lazyarse' 'manchild'

pinkcan · 01/03/2016 12:02

What an arse wipe the op's dh sounds. I'd expect better from my autistic 9yo.

Gabilan · 01/03/2016 13:37

you are basically not giving him access to it for being irritating

No. He lost access to it months ago when he lost his card. He has since failed to phone the bank, answer the security questions, get the old card cancelled and order a new one. He also hasn't searched around the house for it, even though he claims it's there. Being forgetful is one thing, failing to take adult responsibility for your actions is another.

She said she didn't want to drip feed but then obviously mentioned that later

She mentioned the insult later because it happened later. You may not want to read the whole thread in detail but you can highlight the OP's posts and just read those. She hasn't dripfed, she has updated and answered questions.

ouryve · 01/03/2016 14:26

Online banking takes barely any time. It's not the end of the world when she has control of the money he makes anyway due to him losing his card.

In which case, it should take no time for him to sort his shit out. He's only got no access to that money because he can't be arsed to get a new card.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/03/2016 14:31

ouryve
Exactly. Why does she have to take over responsibility for his finances because he can't be arse to.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/03/2016 14:32

arsed

DrSeussRevived · 01/03/2016 14:41

Logging on, transacting and logging off online banking takes at least 5 mins. So mr cadger only has to ask for cash three times before he's put his wife out more than requesting a new bank card.

Yep, selfish.

ThePebbleCollector · 01/03/2016 14:46

how is he cadging when he earns all the money and he gives his wife full access to it?

He needs to get his shit sorted, she needs to appreciate he makes the money and telling him he can't go somewhere because he lost his card just seems like causing more of a problem than there was to begin with.

What a load of fuss.

Situation won't even get bloody sorted on here. May as well give him the money then "lose" your own card and tell him to get his own, then when he does you bug him for the money for a while if you really need to make him suffer for his misplacing of shit.

Inertia · 01/03/2016 15:04

She's not telling him he can't go somewhere! He could have walked but couldn't be arsed- I bet if he could have asked his wife to walk there for him he would have done!

HarrietVane99 · 01/03/2016 15:20

how is he cadging when he earns all the money and he gives his wife full access to it?

He cadges off his workmates because he hasn't got money to buy his own lunch. I'm surprised they aren't fed up with him by now.

I reported a card lost and ordered a new one recently. Probably took about ten minutes, including queueing in the bank and waiting a bit for it to go through because their system was running a bit slow that day.

But I live alone so I have to be a grown up and sort these things out for myself because there isn't anyone to keep bailing me out.

SmashingTurnips · 01/03/2016 16:07

Of course YANBU. He sounds like a nightmare, and from the example you've give here, turns nasty when you call him on it.

I'm sure you are sensible enough to ignore the stupid posts calling you financially abusive, because you have got sick of his uselessness and his using you like a banking service, but it can't be nice seeing them. Sounds to me like he's the abusive one.

Is he crap in other ways? Does he do his fair share of cooking, cleaning, sorting the children out?

I would find it hard to stay with someone like this - his behaviour is very selfish and disrespectful towards you. It's annoying to lose things but it is unacceptable to then do nothing about it other than call your wife a selfish bitch because she refuses to be treated like a servant or a machine yet again.

Hope you are ok OP. I second the advice to post in relationships.

plainjanine · 01/03/2016 16:09

If he won't get a new bank card, is he willing to set up a standing order every month to pay his money into your account, OP?

If anyone is being financially abused here, it's the OP. Her husband is happy to let her pay for everything, seemingly, while money accumulates in his own account because he can't (or won't) sort out access to it.

Arfarfanarf · 01/03/2016 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmashingTurnips · 01/03/2016 16:14

I've just re-read your second post and noticed that you can't ask him to pick up milk on his way home at the supermarket he works next to (presumably because he never has any method of payment on him). Plus you can't call him in an emergency because he is incapable of owning a phone.

He really sounds unbearable.

FrenchJunebug · 01/03/2016 16:44

I do not think you are BU at all and at surprised at those who think you are. He is a grown man and you are not his mother! Let him sort his things out.

RandomMess · 01/03/2016 17:47

Ragamuffin how are things between you both today? Are things at a point that you can actually discuss it now?

Organon8 · 01/03/2016 17:58

Why the hell would you have three babies with such a bastard?

You have to take some responsibility here

DrSeussRevived · 01/03/2016 18:19

Wow, super constructive. OP is supposed to take some responsibility for her husband calling her names? Nice.

Perhaps he's got worse over time? Or OP used to have more time when she had two, or when the kids napped, and didn't mind so much then? Or perhaps he's been criticised in the past, shaped up for a bit and slipped back.

Whichever: his shitty behaviour, his responsibility.

Bellasima20 · 01/03/2016 20:29

I am your poor DH, I loose everything. Believe me, it is an infuriating way to be/live, he will hate himself whenever he looses the next thing. I understand being with someone like us must also be deeply infuriating but he doesn't do it on purpose.

LineyReborn · 01/03/2016 20:34

Bellasima, are you also incapable of replacing your own bank card to your bank account?

Gabilan · 01/03/2016 20:39

There are lots of things he doesn't do on purpose, starting with phoning his bank to get a new card. He doesn't look for the old card either.

It's all very well losing things but really, people can take responsibility and try to find or replace them. You can also try to find systems that help.

I live on my own and the nearest cash point is 3 miles away and available 7am to 10pm. It's amazing what you can remember when the buck stops with you and you'll be seriously inconvenienced if you forget.

maydancer · 01/03/2016 20:57

Yabu . you are treating your DH like a child, especially as he is the one bringing nearly all the money into the house to feed clothe and house you.