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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by not giving my husband money for train fare?

209 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 18:28

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

OP posts:
boredofusername · 29/02/2016 18:51

Can't he go to the station and get a replacement for his season ticket? And then if he buys a ticket to get to his hobby they will refund it. I once lost my season ticket (I actually had it all along but just couldn't find it when the guard came round so I bought a ticket and a few weeks later a refund was forthcoming).

But how on earth does he manage without a bank card? Stand over him while he phones the bank!

pocketsaviour · 29/02/2016 18:54

How has he been withdrawing cash for the last few months? Going into branch? Well if he forgot to do that today then that's his problem. Not yours. How's he going to get to work tomorrow though?

Thisisnotausername · 29/02/2016 18:54

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:55

Well exactly, boredof, a thirty year old family man who can't replace a bloody bank card... I couldn't be in that relationship.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:56

He's known for ages his bank card's missing.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 18:57

And I would say the same about a female friend or relative, that they should get their shit together. Family life is not some little hobby, where you can opt in and out.

usual · 29/02/2016 19:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrashPanda · 29/02/2016 19:02

How the fuck is this financial abuse Shock He has no easy access to money because he has lost his bank card and not been arsed to order a new one. That is not OPs fault and she shouldn't have to sort it out for him.

Maybe OP, let it go for tonight but say that by the end of the week he needs to have sorted replacement bank cards for himself.

Cariadity · 29/02/2016 19:03

If he can't be organised enough to have the cash for this sort of thing then missing out on his hobby might help him learn to get more organised. My dh is always phoning the bank to cancel and reorder his debit cards, when they turn out to be in his jeans or some other easy to find place he hasn't looked at properly! Hmm

VoldysGoneMouldy · 29/02/2016 19:03

It's not financial abuse if the DH is an utter useless bastard. I remember my mum doing something similar to me when I was about 15 and lost my debit card. I've never lost it again!

I don't know whether it's fair to do it tonight with no notice, though I do understand why you're inclined to. I'd be more tempted to say that I'd give him the money tonight, but he has a week to get his act together sort out the paperwork for replacements, as next week you don't.

You are neither an ATM nor a train station.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:04

Sorry, I started this and then got wrapped up in bedtime! To respond to a few posts - no I don't think that this is the same as financial abuse. DH could access his own money as much as he wanted if he just phoned the bank and reported his bank card as lost (for possibly the forty seventh time in the last nine years, but let's not mention that.....) but it's been missing for months and he hasn't bothered.

To the poster who asked how he's been withdrawing money previously - it's called the Wife-ATM. He just expects me to have cash every time he says 'I need money'. I pay all the bills, do the food shopping (even popping in to get milk or whatever, even though he works next to a supermarket), drop money in to school when needed, etc, etc.. He genuinely never does these things. He earns the money and that's as far as his involvement with it goes, unless he specifically wants to spend it on something for himself.

I am actually quite sick of it really. It is like having a fourth child because he just can't be responsible for himself and it's so frustrating.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 29/02/2016 19:05

It would piss me off, but I wouldn't withold him access to cash.

I wouldn't necessarily want to give him my bankcard if he's so prone to losing it though - I'd give him the cash if it's shared funds.

He needs to sort himself out though...

Lynnm63 · 29/02/2016 19:05

I feel your pain op my ds who is 12 loses his PE kit, homework misses the school bus etc at least once a week but I was hoping he'd grow out of it. Sad
I wouldn't pull this 'I'm not giving you money tonight' instead I'd give him train fare but warn him that this is the very last time you're bailing him out. That way he knows the consequences when fucks up again and we all know he will.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:06

He has gone to get the train without cash btw, but has taken the name card. I am fairly sure that he will be able to get on the train and a ticket officer will just look him up on the system. He, OTOH, told me I was a selfish bitch and that he would get a fine and that I could pay it.

OP posts:
usual · 29/02/2016 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:07

I had to give him my bank card last week because his train pass ran out and needed replacing. He expects me to know when that's due too..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 19:08

'YABU totally. Imagine if this was a man dishing out this controlling behaviour to a woman. I'm really glad I'm not a man when I read some of those threads. I'd be out the door and wouldn't come back. Sorry but I just would not stand for this disrespectful treatment. Refusing him access to his own money. It's financial abuse IMHO.'

Really? So if you lost your bank card or Oyster card you would expect your husband to arrange a new one for you or it's financial abuse? Hmm

Nothing is barring him from doing this if he loses the cards. Financial abuse is when the other person restricts access to money.

He had time to get a new bank card, a new Oyster card/travel pass.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:08

I do usually usual but I have, as my Dad would say, reached the end of my wick.

OP posts:
Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:09

Oh (sorry, accidental drip feed!) I don't know if it makes any difference but the town his hobby is in is actually within walking distance. So he doesn't need to get the train, he could have allowed enough time to walk there.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 19:10

He called you a selfish bitch??

Have you genuinely told him previously that you don't want to do things this way any more, ie he needs to replace his bank card etc.

TattyDevine · 29/02/2016 19:10

Exactly Expat. It's not like she's not letting him access money, it's that he is sabotaging his own ability to access it and then not doing anything about it because he feels the OP should hand over her card so he can lose that too and then they both have no access to cash for 5 or more days while a new card gets issued.

Not a great plan IMO!

GabiSolis · 29/02/2016 19:10

Well YABU for withholding money, but I think you probably know that. I don't blame you for being exasperated with dh though.

LetTilikumGo · 29/02/2016 19:14

YANBU - if you're always there to bail him out, he'll never learn to take responsibility for himself and his own things. I would do the same, make him miss out on his hobby this evening and hopefully that'll give him the kick up the backside he needs to sort himself out and get his bank card and railcard replaced.

Thurlow · 29/02/2016 19:15

YANBU.

It'd be financial abuse if you controlled all the money and never gave him access.

It'd be financial abuse if he'd only ever lost his card once and you refused to help him out while waiting for his new one to be delivered.

He's had ages to sort this out. He's a grown adult. He can sort out his own issues - including calling you a selfish bitch.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/02/2016 19:15

I think by with holding the money and saying NO he might hair think about replacing his card and train ticket -

He hasn't been put out before so now there are consequences for not bothering - his choice - I would have said no aswell - you don't need the extra effort of running round after him!