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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by not giving my husband money for train fare?

209 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 18:28

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/02/2016 19:49

I'll add to my last post, I don't work and dh works on a very stressful job, so me taking care of the money is one less stress for him.

OP hasn't agreed to take care of the money - this is DH expecting her to hand over as much cash as is needed at the last minuet for his own needs - which as a grown up he should enable to do himself -

I don't have a purse full of money and any that needs paying has to be a trip to the bank -

TendonQueen · 29/02/2016 19:51

Can't believe that when a man can't be arsed to sort his own life and expects his wife to do it every single time like a skivvy, this gets called financial abuse! I lose things frequently. It's one of my not so good qualities. However, one of my better ones is knowing that it's my own stupid fault, and that as an adult it's my problem to fix. And all this is to get him to a hobby, ie an optional evening out! It's not as if he can't get to work or his dying mother's bedside. He can suck it up and take responsibility. That's what I've seen said about teenagers who've lost things on similar threads. Why do we have lower expectations of grown men?

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 19:52

He hasn't even reported the lost or possibly stolen bank card missing. That would do my nut in.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 19:53

west when I became ill and needed DH to do much more of the HW/help me etc... I didn't expect him to do it just like this. I didn't impose it on him wo talking to him.
I went to see him and told him I was struggling. We talked aboout my health and how I was feeling and he agreed to do more in the houise/with the dcs.

Id the OP's DH potentially has ADHD, then he has issues with losing things/memory etc... and should be asking the OP to help rather than imposing or expecting it from her. Otherwise, he is taking her fro granted which is NOT a nice feeling.

LineyReborn · 29/02/2016 19:54

Financial abuse my arse. He's a father. A grown man. He can't report a bank card being lost?

ifyoulikepinacolada · 29/02/2016 19:57

Yanbu at all! It's ridiculous and irresponsible to not report a bank card lost and even if he does have ADHD (which is a bit of a diagnostic leap based on about three posts!) he still needs to learn to manage it.

Lambzig · 29/02/2016 19:59

I feel your pain OP. DH forgot his PIN number about 3 years ago and has never bothered to find it out since. He just raids my purse for cash. It is both our money (joint account),Mao no issue with him having it, but he will take all I have, I will go to pay for parking or pay something for the children at nursery or school and my purse will be empty. drives me nuts.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:59

He is dyslexic, no ADHD. He has been assessed. His dyslexia is not severe and mostly affects his ability to read and process numbers, although he does struggle a bit with spelling. I actually don't mind helping him look for things when he's putting a bit of effort in too, it's when he stands in the middle of a room and says 'I can't find my.....' and expects me to leap up and find it for him that I get a bit pissed off.

OP posts:
westcoastnortherneragain · 29/02/2016 19:59

[LoveBoursin] I would suspect he doesn't realise he has it, he may always has been distractible and lost things.

I didn't realise I had it until my daughter was diagnosed

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 29/02/2016 19:59

Oh, and his dyslexia doesn't affect his ability to ring the bank. All he has to do is dial a number and report his card missing.

OP posts:
westcoastnortherneragain · 29/02/2016 20:01

[RagamuffinAndFidget] perhaps try having "launch pad" areas, so once you come in your keys and wallet go on the launch pad, so hopefully doing this every day will reinforce where they go

LeanneBattersby · 29/02/2016 20:02

HIS money? Financial abuse? What?!

He's not a teenager, he's a grown man who just cannot be bothered doing menial women's work like reporting bank cards missing. And also can't be bothered walking to his hobby, because again he hasn't organised himself enough to do so in time. And his wife is the selfish bitch? Oh please.

OP I wouldn't be bailing him out. I can't believe he called you a selfish bitch. Id find it a struggle to forgive that tbh, on top of everything else.

westcoastnortherneragain · 29/02/2016 20:03

I sympathise with feeling frustrated though

Inertia · 29/02/2016 20:03

Nobody is withholding any money! It's their family money, and the husband has just as much opportunity to withdraw money from the account as the OP does- he just can't be arsed to do it, and expects the OP to do all the chasing round that he can't be bothered to do.

chelle792 · 29/02/2016 20:07

I'm amazed that anyone has said YABU!! What? Seriously? Your DH needs to look after himself.

DH was late for work the other day because he slept through his alarm. I wasn't going to be responsible to waking him up. I did start banging around at about 8.30 though Grin (disclaimer, he's self employed so it didn't really matter that he was late

scallopsrgreat · 29/02/2016 20:07

YANBU. He calls you a selfish bitch and that's what? Supposed to endear you to helping him.

I can't remember who said it up thread but he's making his problem your problem.

And some folks on here think you are abusing him? Hmm

I'd say the shoe was on the other foot.

StableYard · 29/02/2016 20:07

YANBU

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/02/2016 20:07

Jesus. People do realise this is a grown arse man we are talking about and not a bloody child. No one is withholding money, he has options, he just likes to take the one that is least inconvenient for him.

I'd struggle to get sexy with a man, he stands in the middle of the room, whining he cant find shit and expecting me to do it.

RandomMess · 29/02/2016 20:08

I bet you feeling really sexually attracted to someone who treats you like his maid/mother!!!

YANBU, although it's a shame you've put your foot down off the back of an argument.

If he's a bit rubbish with sticking to a budget as well as always losing stuff how about he has his own account for his lunches/train fare etc. so if he loses the card he loses access to "his" money for "his" responsibilities.

I do all the finances etc and for a long time Dh couldn't remember the pin to his joint card but he never expected me to provide cash he needed as and when he'd never leave it that last minute.

scallopsrgreat · 29/02/2016 20:10

How does he manage to remember his way to work? Or what to do in his job? Does he show this lack of responsibility with his tasks at work? Does he farm his work off on to his colleagues?

Or is it just his wife who is supposed to put up with this shit?

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 20:11

west there are plenty of threads around on MN about husbands (Its always about husbands) who are loosing things and don't seem to be able to find them but still somehow expect their DW to find them.
None of them has ADHD.

What comes out every single time is that whatever idea you can come up with has to come from them. If they don't buy into the idea, its just not going to happen.

The first step is for him to take responsibility again for his own belongings. Then and only then, you can try and implement things.

TimeToMuskUp · 29/02/2016 20:11

I have a 10 year old with Aspergers who is (unintentionally) quite forgetful and oblivious to what he needs daily. But even he wouldn't pull this shit over and over; he's learned that I don't constantly bail him out and has learned to adapt his own behaviour if it's important enough to him. I strongly suspect your DH needs to do the same. I'm not saying shit all over him but leaving him in the lurch a few times might make him pull his finger out. Scatty or not there's no excuse for the way he spoke to you, nor for his expecting you to simply follow him about wiping up his messes. He sounds a tool. No wonder you're fed up.

westcoastnortherneragain · 29/02/2016 20:11

Calling you names is frankly awful, and he needs to improve his attitude

Dizzylizzie29 · 29/02/2016 20:12

I am your DH I am afraid, lost 4 bank cards in the past few months. Lose my car keys, feel like I'm loosing my mind most of the time
DH is very patient with me, I think I would be pissed if after loosing (yet snother) card he said no to me accessing joint money.
For me I don't think it's laziness, it's just something I do especially when I have a lot on in work.one day a big pile of all my lost things will turn up *hopeful Blush

Dizzylizzie29 · 29/02/2016 20:13

Just read back to what he called you.
Not acceptable at all