by not giving my husband money for train fare?

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

[bumblebee1234]

If I were I would intentionally not talk to him then he has no choice but to ring the bank to get a new card. No eye contact ignore him sit in another room. See how long it takes for him to grow up.

[Namechangenell]

This sounds like a horrendous way to live for you, OP. I think you're right to take a stand - is this the straw that has broken the camel's back, so to speak?

What would happen, if, God forbid, anything happened to you? How would he actually care for your children? He sounds like a real liability and if I were you, I couldn't stay with someone like that. I'm sorry but it's so unfair of him to think that his responsibilites as a father are covered by earning a few quid. Why do you have to do all the thinking associated with life admin? Bollocks to that!

[Inertia]

I read the first line of Viviennemary's post and agreed, because I thought she was talking about how selfish and controlling the husband was!

OP, now that you've outlined how the money is banked, it looks like there's an added incentive for your husband not to sort out his own bank card and money- he gets to spend your 'spending money', and his own builds up in the bank.

[HicDraconis]

I'm really on the fence here!

On the one hand you are totally not being unreasonable - your DH is coming across as a lazy arse who would rather call you names than get his shit together. Your descriptions of your interactions with him remind me of one of my colleagues despairing and venting about the behaviour of her 15 yr old.

On the other hand I could be your DH. I lose my work pass, my wallet, my phone, my bank cards, my car keys etc on a regular basis. I don't have dyslexia, dyspraxia, or any other medical mitigation - I get sidetracked when I come in and the keys or wallet or pass get popped down anywhere and then when I look in the bowl for them they aren't there. I also don't have time to get to a cash machine before or after work usually and when my wallet is running low I just ask DH for some more, which he gives me without any issues. I've often had to call DH from work and ask that he drop my X, Y or Z into work when he drives past on the school run and he's always been fine about it. I also earn the money but have nothing to do with the money management - DH does all of that.

Find my iphone helps, as does a GPS tag on the keyring. I now have a combined wallet and phone case so when I find my phone my cards are with it, plus there's a small slot for notes. Could be your DH may find some solutions like this useful?

There are some people that are just disorganised and I know I am one of them. I can't change it no matter how hard I try or how good my intentions are when I wake up in the morning. Having recognised that, I now try and manage it as best I can - so combination phone case/wallet, a checklist on the fridge that the kids run through with me before I leave for work in the mornings and a very organised weekly timetable for the family on the fridge that I stick to rigidly! Perhaps you could look at helping your DH manage his own (dis)organisation instead of being at the bottom of the cliff to bail him out, try and put some strategies in that will catch him before he falls off it in the first place.

I have never called my DH any insulting names if he's too busy to drop things in to me though (rarely). I just accept that he can't that day and work around it.

[landrover]

No phone? AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

[DrSeussRevived]

Did he lose the phone and not replace it?

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

OP does you husband live in this century? He seems to be stuck in some weird 1950's world.

[Want2bSupermum]

I would tell your DH that since you don't have a joint bank account he keeps his money separate from you he is on his own.

How do you share 3 DC but not your money?!?!? Also, if he can figure out how to create 3 DC he can figure out how to order a replacement bank card. Your day is busy enough running around after 3DC. As for others citing financial abuse to withhold 'his' money. They are married. What is earned while married is both of theirs equally.

You have my sympathy. I would have done exactly the same thing a long time before the 3rd child came along.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

If I were you I'd just 'not happen to have any cash on me' anytime he asked from now on, ' shame sorry' The only reason he behaves like this is because he has you to fall back on, stop enabling him and he will learn adult responsibility. Not being his live in PA is not abuse!

[WitchWay]

I couldn't put up with this! He must drive you nuts!

[LittleBearPad]

Yanbu, it's time for him to grow up and take some responsibility.

[DrSeussRevived]

And I actually wouldn't have any cash on me - use your card for all little transactions!

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

OP, stop having cash in the house - then when he comes calling at the wife ATM you can send him packing.

I can't believe the people saying you are financially abusing him - the guy needs to sort himself out and grow up a bit.

[jellycat1]

'He earns the money and that's as far as his involvement with it goes' pretty major involvement I'd say. YABU.

[mrsjskelton]

He needs to grow up. YANBU.

[ThePebbleCollector]

Very annoying that he loses everything and expects you to bail him out, but since he earns the money I can see him being annoying that you are basically not giving him access to it for being irritating.

Give him the money and tell him he needs to get to the bank and sort a replacement card out.

[ThePebbleCollector]

As for all the people telling him to grow up. I am the main earner in my household, but I still manage to lose things all the time, It's not that I'm particularly careless, but usually sleep deprived, rushing and scatter brains.

If he's managing to earn the money to provide for the whole family he's doing an OK job as an adult. Just managing to be a forgetful oaf at the time time :)

[ThePebbleCollector]

same time*

[DrSeussRevived]

Actually, he's not doing an ok job as an adult if he calls his wife a selfish bitch and is uncontactable in an emergency.

This is not a forgetful spouse saying "shit, sorry, can you bung me a tenner, I'll give it back later."

He is repeatedly, for months, being selfish by making more work for his DW who has to get cash from her own smaller supply, then login to online banking and make the transfers. Day after day he is doing this, making her spend 5-10 mins a time sorting this out rather than him spending 15-20 mins, if that, ordering a new card.

[ThePebbleCollector]

DrSeussRevived

You seem to know their lives so intimately.

Online banking takes barely any time. It's not the end of the world when she has control of the money he makes anyway due to him losing his card.

She's annoyed he's clearly a scatter brain, he's annoyed she's making a deal out of him getting to his own money. It's pretty basic and isn't ruining anyone's lives.

They just need to get it sorted.

If that means her "losing" her card too so he has to go and get another, then so be it, whatever gets the situation sorted, these things aren't worth straining relationships over.

[Inertia]

The OP won't be able to sort her husband's bank card for an account that is in his name only, even if she wanted to (and there's no reason why she should!).

The OP isn't the one making a big deal about him getting to his own money, she hasn't in any way attempted to stop him getting to his own money, he just needs to contact the bank and organise a replacement card.

It's say it's a pretty big deal to call your spouse a selfish bitch though.

[ThePebbleCollector]

I never said for her to get it sorted.. I said for him to get it done.

Being called a bitch isn't nice. I don't know their day to day lives so god knows how the argue or talk to each other or treat each other, I was just talking about the specific "losing his card and asking for his money but I won't give it him" situation

She said she didn't want to drip feed but then obviously mentioned that later.

IT's just turning it into such a big deal for them. It needs sorting and refusing things and falling out probably won't end well. I'd rather have a resolution than a petty back and forth.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

This thread made me think of this article
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/your-relationship-probably-isnt-equal-heres-how-to-fix-it/

Its about the extra emotional work women do in a relationship. All the remembering and organising. A large chunk of unrecognised work,

[angelos02]

Just pretend you've lost the bank card too?

[CheshireChat]

See when I have bouts of depression I am shockingly forgetful. I've lost money and my card, misplaced my keys and the new card repeatedly. Mg DP has lent me his card and left his keys at home, BUT I was the one to do the searching or if he gave me his card I'd go to the ATM for cash, not him. And that's perfectly fair!
I'm with Barclays and it took under a minute to sort out my card.
And it sure as hell isn't financial abuse as you can withdraw money if you have some photo ID.