by not giving my husband money for train fare?

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

DH is 30. (I am just telling you this so that you don't read the following and assume I have inadvertently married a toddler and am expecting too much of him). He has a monthly train pass which allows him to travel from our village to the town where he works and does his hobby, and back again. It's not ridiculously expensive but isn't free either! He has lost the ticket part somehow so currently only has the card with his photo and number on, which isn't valid for travel without the ticket (although most ticket officers will look up the number on the system and let you off anyway). He has his hobby this evening so needs to get the train and has demanded that I give him money for train fare. This is because he doesn't have a bank card either and hasn't for months because (yes, you guessed it!) he has lost it!

I have refused. I'm sick of it. Just to give a bit of history and hopefully avoid any drip-feeding, this is not the first time he's done this. He loses EVERYTHING. He has lost several phones in the nine years we've been together, several bank cards, ID cards, etc, etc. He loses things at home too and just expects me to know where they are. Any time he needs to pay for something he just expects me to give him cash or my bank card. I have had enough. I'm a SAHM so technically it's mainly 'his' money, but he can't actually spend it without pestering me. It's driving me mad.. AIBU to have told him that he can either find his train pass or go without because I'm not bailing him out like this anymore?

LoveBoursin I didn't say every single one of them had ADHD, is there any reason for your nastiness towards me?

Dizzy, being forgetful is one thing, making it someone elses problem is the issue here. He hasnt even bothered after nearly a year to replace his card.

west I wasn't been nasty or having a go at you

LoveBoursin wasn't nasty to you in any way at any point westcoast. What on earth are you talking about?

He called you a selfish bitch for him being disorganized.

And he's unpleasant to you if you don't do things he wants.

He wants 'lunch money' to increase despite it having an impact on the kids.

And he 'loses' his card - which is connected to HIS wages - and expects you to pay - from the money the goverment pay to help support the children - when he can't be arsed to sort this out.

OP there's way more going on here, and agree with a PP who suggested posting in relationships.

Wow, so many people making excuses for this 'man'. I wouldn't be enabling this any more either, OP. He needs to sort his stuff out, he is a grown man. My 13yo DD is more independent and organised than he is. She ensures she sets reminders that work for her and takes responsibility when she forgets stuff.

No YANBU my ex husband was the same and it drove me round the bloody twist.My oldest DS19(20 in April)and he's just like his Dad and it fucking pisses me off.

Don't help him out and hope he learns from it!

I am terrible at losing things(though not as prolifically as your dh). My husband has been exasperated with me at times. However, I can't imagine a situation where he would actually refuse to help me so I could go to work/hobby. If he did, he would be treating like a naughty child, and I would be deeply upset. Yabvu.

YABU, you appear to have married a selfish toddler dressed up as an adult. Return this dependant child to their parent or guardian. Be more careful next time.

If that's the case than I apologise LoveBoursin I may have misinterpreted

winifredgoose me too! I have lost phones, bank cards, keys - even this morning I went to the super market without my purse. I don't think it's ever crossed DHs mind to not let me borrow his things. Just like I would always share anything I had with him. There are aspects of being an adult that my DH is really shit at and I find easy. Teamwork I suppose.

YANBU - no reason why he can't get a new card. Op doing it for him all this time had just enabled her DH to carry on.

DH is like this and we both work full time. I'm meant to know where everything is, hold DS, mine and DH schedule in my head and always have change available for parking! It does my head in. It 's so tiring being the one to have to sort everything.

It must be horrible to be married to such an unsupportive and selfish controlling person. I lose things and I certainly wouldn't stay with somebody who treated me like the way OP treats her DH. I think it's abusive. If I was him I'd go right to the bank in the morning cancel all her credit cards and have my salary paid into my own bank account and then I'd file for divorce. This is an extreme case of controlling behaviour and financial abuse on the part of the OP.

Oh OP, I'm on the fence here. On the one hand, not handing over cash seems a wee bit petty looking at a single instance, but reading your posts I can understand what's driven you here.

I think you need an honest conversation about taking responsibility. I'm the 'flaky' one in our relationship, but whilst DP would happily bung me a a few quid (and I've done the same on occasion), there's no underlying current of one person not taking responsibility. Certainly no-one would wait a year before reporting a lost card (and we are not particularly house-proud btw, there is plenty of mess).

YANBU. Like you say you've reached the end of your wick.

When he's back you can always say 'Sorry I reacted like that but'

Or forget the sorry and say 'You need to know that this keeps happening and I know you don't mean it to, but I need you to help this family out by looking after your own money.'

It would drive me mad!

Eh vivienne? Where did that all come from?! When did I say that his wages are paid into anywhere except his own account? I said that he could easily access his own money if he had a bank card but he has done nothing about getting a new one.

Oh, and how would it be OK for him to cancel all my (non existent) credit cards, but it's not OK for me to say I'm not (for the bazillionth time) handing over any cash I have on me so he can pay for something he wants/needs?

vivienne to be fair, the OP has been supportive every single time before, just not that ONE occasion.

Which is why I don't believe she is being selfish as such. More at the end of het tether.

I've only read the first page so far but, FFS, it's not financial abuse because, if he pulled his finger out, he could have gone to the bank and arranged a new card for himself weeks ago.

Some people lose things, some people dont, but to withold money?

I'm the forgetful one in our house and I am guilty of standing in the middle of the room demanding DH find my missing stuff. However, I have mobile phone insurance, the "find my iPhone" app installed and if I lose my cards I'm straight online to cancel (far quicker than ringing up). DH would go purple if I left it a year before sorting my shit out, that's extraordinarily lazy.

He has three kids and a hobby? Good going!

Misses point of thread

OP Just ignore the batshit posts and engage with the more normal ones. I would.

Thanks Boursin, and everyone else who seems to get it.. It's been years. It really has. And I'm just sick of it. He's useless with money, and with stuff, and he expects me to just sort it out all the time. So I lost my shit a bit this evening and told him I was done with it. I really don't think that's financial abuse (although I've never experienced it so I may be wrong). I know it wasn't the best thing to do but I have had enough.

OK page 3, now.

Abusive.

Both DH ad my Ex have a habit of losing things. My ex, in fact, did the same with a bank card. Borrowed mine to buy me a birthday present. I ended up demanding it back, several months later, after he used it to withdraw about £400 per month just for his "lunch". He also called me names when he couldn't find things - accused me of moving them when I knew better than to go rifling through all his shit.

DH does lose things, he has strong aspie tendencies. The difference is, he doesn't call me names and makes an effort to get it sorted ASAP. We're both quite happy to hand cash over to each other if one of us runs short or happens to be passing a cashpoint, when the other isn't.

Ex was a man child. DH is not.