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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"My partner is my best friend" Healthy or Unhealthy...

207 replies

Unacceptable · 28/02/2016 06:04

...you decide
A very minor (but interesting and reoccurring) disagreement between DH and I.
Who do you agree with?

OP posts:
Katenka · 28/02/2016 06:09

Totally depends.

Dh is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than any other adult.

But we are 2 separate people. We have our own hobbies and friends. We don't do everything together. We also don't expect eachother to be our 'everything' either.

We have been together 18 years. He knows me better than anyone, he knows everything about me. And vice Versa.

I know couples who are best friends and it's not healthy because they can't fart or do anything without the other being there. Must ask each other's permission for everything etc.

I have a friend who never attends if we have a womens night out as her dp wouldn't be invited and she couldn't 'bring myself to go out without him'. And he is the same. Both only attend things if the other can go.

I know couples who aren't best friends but seem happy.

I can't give an answer based on just what you have asked because every couple are different.

lavendersun · 28/02/2016 06:12

Depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

Two independent thinkers who are 'equal', share interests, laugh, love, trust and respect each other. Two people who can't think of anyone else they prefer to to spend their time with, why not?

Sort of my definition of a very best friend. If it happens to be a partner/husband fine imo.

lavendersun · 28/02/2016 06:13

Yes to what Katenka said about a healthy balance.

1AngelicFruitCake · 28/02/2016 06:14

Completely agree with the above. My DH is my best friend but we have our own friends, interests and differing opinions. I really hate it when friends of mine can't go somewhere without bringing their partner.

VashtaNerada · 28/02/2016 06:40

Yes, I suppose like any other 'best friend' it can be a healthy or unhealthy relationship depending on the dynamics. DH is definitely my best friend in that I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else. If I had the opportunity for a day out or something he'd be my first choice of someone to go with.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 28/02/2016 06:41

My dh is my best friend, he was my best friend for 3 years before we became a couple and he still is now.

Ladycrazycat · 28/02/2016 06:47

My DH is my best friend. Our friendship group in general consists of the same people as we've met them through shared experiences/hobbies but we aren't afraid of going out without each other if it is soemthing we don't both want to do.

AStreetcarNamedBob · 28/02/2016 06:50

My husband is my best friend. I think it's very important.

CooPie10 · 28/02/2016 06:54

My Dh is my best friend and we both would choose to spend time with each other over any other person. However we are not wholly dependent on each other. We have a healthy balance. I think it's very important to be good if not best friends with your partner.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/02/2016 07:06

I was talking to my cousin about the fact me and DH were about to spend 8 days apart due to his work and she looked horrified.

She gave me a speech about how she and her DH are one unit, they are the people they are because of each other and how their lives are shaped together because they are soul mates.

She then gave me an account of a time where she was due to work a night shift and typically he gets home from his work two hours before she is due to leave so they have dinner together etc. She told me though that on one occasion he phoned her on his way home to say he was caught in an important meeting at work and probably wouldn't get back home before she was due to leave for work. My cousin said she was beside herself and burst into tears down the phone. She described herself to me as being inconsolable and that she was pleading with him to get home in time as there was no way she could go to work without seeing him first as otherwise it meant that by the time she saw him the next morning it would have been over 24 hours since they'd last seen each other. My cousin told me that thankfully he got home 5 minutes before she had to leave and she was crying with relief. She said she was then able to go to work but she didn't know what she would've done if he hadn't made it back in time.

She came across as a little bit creepy. They've been together about 5 years and have a toddler together but that level of co-dependency just strikes me as very intense...

JanieGaga · 28/02/2016 07:11

Yes, dh is my best friend in that TBH if I have a problem/dilema/good news he would be the first person I would go to.
But I also have good female friends who would be a close second on that list.
We do things without each other and I would feel suffocated in the sort of relationship wannabewriter described (and so would my dh!)

unacceptable what is your disagreement with your dh?

JanieGaga · 28/02/2016 07:13

Oh and to actually answer the question..

Yes, healthy as long it is not to the exclusion of all others!

SpaghettiMeatballs · 28/02/2016 07:15

Katenka has described the relationship I have with DH. He is my best friend but we both have lots of other friends and interests.

I spend a lot more time away from him than I'd like because he works abroad for up to a month at a time regularly. Even though I'd prefer his trips to be shorter I like my own company and some time away from each other is healthy.

No offence to writerwannabe but I think people like the woman she describes need to get a grip. I have a friend who had to go and sit an exam in London and her husband had to take two days off work so that he could go with her as she couldn't have been without him for the night.

waitingforsomething · 28/02/2016 07:18

Dh is definitely my best friend. We still have our own hobbies and friends though. I think it's fine

Jibberjabberjooo · 28/02/2016 07:20

Wow writer that's just bizarre. That level of dependency is just weird. How would your cousin cope in a crisis or if her dh was in hospital. It's not healthy to be that dependent on someone.

Yes my dh is my best friend but we have our own interests and friends as well as shared friends. I would choose to spend time with him over anyone (rare with the DC!), but like to go out without each other too. I don't understand couples who can only go out together. A friend of mine always did this. Would always bring her dh along anytime we met up. Really annoying.

iloveeverykindofcat · 28/02/2016 07:23

My oldest cat is my best friend. My partner knows his place Grin.
Seriously, though, I think it depends on the situation. I don't think it's healthy for any one person to be another person's be-all-and-end-all: lover, best friend, parent figure, counsellor, all rolled into one. That implies a rather alarming degree of dependency - I know someone who invested in her husband like that, emotionally as well as practically and financially, and if God forbid anything happened to him or that relationship, I don't know what she'd do. But on the other hand, I'd say my parents were best friends, and by all accounts they had a wonderful marriage (sadly cut short by my father's death when I was very young). But they also had their own careers, interests, friendships, confidantes and social lives.

Spandexpants007 · 28/02/2016 07:25

It's healthy to have a few best friends and for a husband to be one of them.

Daisydukes79 · 28/02/2016 07:26

We aren't completely glued at the hip but I would say my hubby is my best friend. Even if we hadn't become a couple he is someone I would chose to be friends with. It's definately important to like the person you love, in my opinion anyway.
Ps he is also the biggest pain in my arse at times lol

FindoGask · 28/02/2016 07:28

I'm sure this is one of those things where everyone thinks their own situation is the best way of doing things. Personally speaking my husband is certainly my best friend, though I don't think of him in those terms. Of everyone I know, including parents, he's the person I feel most myself with, and the person who knows most about me.

We have our own interests though and we often socialise separately - sometimes out of necessity due to childcare reasons, but also because we have grown separate groups of friends through our jobs.

Spandexpants007 · 28/02/2016 07:29

My DH is one of best friends. I have 3 besties in total plus 4 very solid close friends. I do lots of activities with my friends. I do lots of activities with DH. It makes a balanced relationship.

Katenka · 28/02/2016 07:35

ilove post is spot on.

It so much pressure if you are someones 'everything'.

A boyfriend once told me that. Scared the shit out of me and I dumped him soon after. I don't want someone else to rely on me or have the pressure of providing everything for one person. Which any healthy for either person.

bakeoffcake · 28/02/2016 07:38

Tbh I'd find it odd if a couple said they weren't each other's best friends. That said, I totally agree with lots of those on here that say it doesn't mean you're joined at the hip and do everything together. It's important to have separate hobbies and friends too.
But I couldn't imagine spending my life with someone who I didn't feel was my best friend.

WhirlwindHugs · 28/02/2016 07:41

You would hope most people were close friends with their husbands!
I think if they're your only close friend or if it's unhealthily obsessive it's a problem but otherwise fine.

My DH and my 'best' friends are also good friends with each other which makes life very easy.

JapanNextYear · 28/02/2016 07:42

I'm his, he's not mine. Some good female friends who would be round Mike a shot if I needed to bury him under the patio, with no questions asked.

I may be feeling jaded at the moment as he has a cold flu. And The voice, and the walk etc etc. My female friends don't do that.

Also, I gave a cat.

JapanNextYear · 28/02/2016 07:42

Have not gave. TBH to answer the question, I think it's a bit weird DH is best friend thing.

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