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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"My partner is my best friend" Healthy or Unhealthy...

207 replies

Unacceptable · 28/02/2016 06:04

...you decide
A very minor (but interesting and reoccurring) disagreement between DH and I.
Who do you agree with?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 01/03/2016 18:13

Agreed mrs koala.

Grilledaubergines · 01/03/2016 18:19

It's whatever works for the couple.

For me husband was husband and friends were friends. Entirely different relationship. Neither, thankfully, knows everything about me. I haven't even discovered everything about me.

MrsDeVere · 01/03/2016 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grapejuicerocks · 01/03/2016 18:26

I analyse things with friends at a deeper and different level than I do with my DH. He can't understand how we can waffle on about one subject for ages, looking at it from all angles - so in that sense my best friends meet a different emotional need than my DH does.

Having said that, I'd rescue him first in the life/death scenario.

Grilledaubergines · 01/03/2016 18:38

Feeling that your partner is your 'best friend' is no guarantee of a long and happy marriage. It doesn't protect you from divorce.

So so true.

You don't put all your eggs in one basket.

If you go through a rough time with your partner (which is totally normal and fine) who do you turn to for perspective, venting, a hug, a stiff talking to?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/03/2016 18:43

No he isn't. He is my husband and we spend so much time together we inevitably fall out and snap at each other- something that doesn't really happen with best friends. Also who the frig would I slate him to if he was my best friend?
No doubt someone will post all sad and tilty headed about this but I don't really care!

tealoveryum · 01/03/2016 19:00

Feeling that your partner is your 'best friend' is no guarantee of a long and happy marriage. It doesn't protect you from divorce.

Agreed. I've seen some people treated very badly and screwed over by their best friend. It's no more a protection then a partner is.

Besides just like love, friendship can fade or wither.

Roussette · 01/03/2016 19:14

Totally agree Mrs DV.

Thebest you ask why someone like me got married. The answer is because we agree on the important stuff - our values are the same - however he isnt my best friend and we are very different and indeed don't like the same things all the time. Yet we've managed three decades so my way can work too.

If you make someone your everything, you may well end up with nothing. I like to hedge my bets and I have a best friend (female) who I've known longer than my DH, sensible in my book. I like/love them both.

MistressDeeCee · 01/03/2016 19:19

I had lifetime female friends before OH came along. I suppose he just "is" my friend, your lover should be your friend, obviously. Or else youre in trouble! But I dont tend to think about it in a friendship way necessarily. If specifically asked who is my best friend, it'd be the friend Ive known since I was 7 years old we've been through thick & thin together. I think its odd that your man is your "best" friend I dont want my man to be my main talk/friendship/cry on shoulder/vent outlet thank you. But each to their own I suppose it works for some so good for them

hareagain · 01/03/2016 19:38

Husband/boyfriend/lover/partner and best friend are two different things entirely to me. I have my best friend of thirty years or so. No husband could ever replace her. There are things however, intimate relations aside, that I would only ever ask of/expect/want my husband to be there for. I think it would trouble me if I had all my eggs in one basket so to speak.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/03/2016 19:39

I always thought the 'DH as a best friend thing' was a bit weird. With my XH I certainly didn't feel like he was my friend or even partner most of the time

However, when I met dp something clicked with us. We have so much in common, we are equally besotted with each other in every way and, given the choice, would choose to spend time with each other rather than other people. However, sometimes we don't have a choice so we do spend time with other people and a bit of time apart, which is probably just as well!

When he's not around for a couple of weeks (travels on business) I feel like I'm missing a limb and we talk every day and send each other messages. There's nobody else I crave or miss like him not even my DCs so it's obviously so much more than a friendship, but at its heart we are truly best friends and will often tell each other that rather than 'I love you' etc.

We have discussed whether we'd be friends if we'd met while still with other people. He thinks we would (with lots of forbidden sexual tension!) but I'm not sure I'd have allowed myself to get close enough to find out as he's too good looking!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/03/2016 19:44

We often finish each other's sandwiches sentences and joke about having a shared brain in 'the cloud'. He'll test me by saying 'what am i thinking about?' and I'll inevitably guess right first time.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/03/2016 19:56

Vintage you seem to be assuming this is all one sided, whereas the very nature of best friends is that you both see it the same way. If dp didn't view me as HIS BF too, then I wouldn't feel we were close enough for him to be mine either iyswim.

I've had (female platonic) friendships before where I knew I wasn't the person they considered their BFF even though they were MY closest friend. It is a vulnerable place to be and I'd definitely keep a bit of distance if that were the case with DP.

As it is, we both regularly try to out-do each other with "no I'M the lucky one to have you" and "Love you"/"Love you more" so it's not as one sided as you seem to be trying to make out by questioning the reciprocation of these BF relationships!

Unacceptable · 01/03/2016 20:57

I think that equating whether or not a spouse is a best friend isn't any indication of the state of a marriage. That's far too simplistic.
I think that statement came across as rather smug and not particularly understanding theBestFurchinchilla

My DH isn't my best friend and I don't want to be his but it's the stifling, insistence in dependency that i find weird and that causing an issue in our case.
In no way does that translate as me not liking him. At All. I'm emphatic about that. I'd imagine a lot of people would understand that too.

As others have said, best friends can be arseholes and fuck you over. Relationships are complicated.
How can a single person in your life be a 'best'?
If you have a few bests then there isn't a best.
I mean...anyone have a 'best' child?!
Best is number one ultimate.

Is my DH my best husband? Hell yes! He's a pain in the arse at the moment though and is not being kind to himself by changing from a bloke with a nice social circle, to a guy who follows his wife around like a puppy!

OP posts:
BoboChic · 01/03/2016 21:31

Being a best friend to one's partner is one thing. The really, really important thing is the emotional regulation that DP and I get from one another: we are much stronger together than apart.

thebestfurchinchilla · 01/03/2016 21:41

Best friends don't always like the same things. My Dh and I like different things and some things the same. We have different interests and friends too. He is still my best friend. I don't think in such cold terms as 'hedging my bets' or 'putting all my eggs in one basket' when I chose to marry. I didn't marry so I could have children either. I married for love and deep friendship. I didn't mean to be smug, I just found some of the comments about people's Dh's as cold and and dismissive.

thebestfurchinchilla · 01/03/2016 21:45

mrskoala so the definition of a best friend is someone who likes the same bands as you....Hmm

captainfarrell · 01/03/2016 21:52

I think it's obvious from reading this thread that you all have a different view of what a best friend is and that's why there is disagreement. Some think it's someone to gossip with and or go to for advice while others see it more as a soul mate, to trust and be with forever. Whatever works basically! In my opinion though, your partner should be the one you want to be with the most, the one you trust, have fun with, fancy to bits and want to spend most of your time with...a best friend with benefits Grin

SirChenjin · 01/03/2016 21:56

Well said captain Smile

green18 · 01/03/2016 22:04

Yes I agree captain
My definition of a best friend is:

I trust them completely, they are loyal, I want to spend time with them more than most, we laugh together, we have things in common(not everything).

Definition of DH:All of the above, we have the same outlook and values, plus there is a big sexual attraction.

For me it wouldn't work without the best friend box being ticked too or at least wouldn't be so fulfilling, more of an agreement than a full relationship. Just my opinion of course, it obviously works for others.

Roussette · 01/03/2016 22:47

thebest I'm the one who used the phrase 'hedging my bets'. It was a tongue in cheek joke. I'd known my best friend for a long time before I met my DH and I was hardly likely to ditch her when my DH came along. It was just a turn of phrase andnot to be taken seriously! I feel totally blessed to have both a best friend I've known for over 40 years and a DH I've been married to for 30. What comes across as cold and dismissive to you obviously isn't, it's just a different way of looking at marriage and friendships.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/03/2016 22:52

Maybe that's part of it Rousette? If someone already has a best friend then the DH is unlikely to oust them from the top spot! I have a few close friends who were there for me when I split with XH and I hang out with them for coffee and nights out occasionally, but when I have a kid free night the person I really want to spend it with is DP. I wouldn't ditch a female friend for him if we'd already arranged something, but given the choice I'd want to be with him above anyone else. For me that's what makes him my best friend.

BipBippadotta · 01/03/2016 23:12

I think sometimes when people say 'I couldn't be in a relationship like that' they might mean right now - at a particular stage of life or marriage.

What you expect from your relationship depends a lot on your age & how long you've been together. Over the course of 10, 20, 30 years a marriage/partnership weathers a lot. Births, deaths, illnesses, conflicts, disappointments. You're less giddy with the joy of discovering each other, the sexual attraction loses urgency, having particular things in common becomes far less important than the fact that you've shared so much time and life. Hopefully you trust each other, respect each other, like each other and feel tenderness towards each other. But over time you both change, and the relationship changes. Sometimes you rely on each other more, and sometimes less - circumstances affect this as much as anything. I think we have a lot less control over the nature of the relationships we end up with than we think we do, and with any luck we manage to adapt and enjoy what we've got as it develops.

I also think people of a certain vintage are temperamentally / culturally less inclined to be earnest and effusive about their relationships. Those who've grown up with social media are in the habit of bubbling over with public praise for their loved ones; people of my generation, more accustomed to understatement, might be more likely to say 'we rub along nicely' / 'I don't want to hedge my bets' (or similar) to describe an incredibly devoted relationship.

At any rate, it seems lots of us are happy, so here's to us and our partners. Wine

BipBippadotta · 01/03/2016 23:14

*'want to hedge my bets', not 'don't want to hedge my bets'.

hareagain · 02/03/2016 01:44

thebest meaning I was never going to ditch my friend just because I was getting married. That's not cold to me, I'd say more like privileged to have them both.

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