"My partner is my best friend" Healthy or Unhealthy...

[Unacceptable]

...you decide
A very minor (but interesting and reoccurring) disagreement between DH and I.
Who do you agree with?

My DP likes a lot of responsibility! He's very, very family minded (Jewish mother in male disguise ).

FWIW I found the sad patronising as well.

I never found it patronising at all. Mrs DV earlier in the thread did use words that poster never used and did take that post personally. Perhaps it's the way Mrs DV is feeling but she did take take it as a personal attack. As I said earlier I couldn't be in a relationship that my DH and I didn't speak and didn't have anything in common. The thread was started asking if "My partner is my best friend, healthy or unhealthy" Many have replied with their reasons why or why not. I've found it interesting reading. I personally find it odd that people don't share common interests, don't talk and pass like ships in the night but are married. That's their choice though and I respect their choice. It's not a relationship I could be in. For me, there's no point in a relationship like that.

Vintage I am a firm believer that there is no "one right" way to do things. And of course our personal experiences shape our views too.

My Mum and Mil would say that their DH's are their best friends and they have been happily married for nearly 50 years. My DH and I have been together well over half our lives.

Anyone who know ms the three of us (including our DHs') would fall about laughing at the very idea that our husbands could command us to do anything!

I'm very independent, so I've made sure that although all our finances are joint that I'm in a position to solely support myself and my children should I need to. My DH is my best friend but he travels a lot for work and I manage quite happily without him. We both have friends and interests of our own.

You are right though, if something unthinkable happened and our marriage fell apart I would be devastated. He is my world and has been for a long time.

But my children would need me to be strong and I am fiercely proud so I have no doubt I'd pick myself up and carry on despite a broken heart, desperately hard as that might be.

It is not in my nature to hold back, in any area of my life. I don't hold back In my sport, I have a reputation as a workaholic and I can't give my DH less than my whole heart any more than I could my children.

I'm an romantic optimist it's true but I'm not impractical. I like to think that my bases are covered.

But Spring people can sit in companionable silence you know. Not everyone feels the need to be agreeing on everything, liking everything together etc. It's shared values that matter. You can be polar opposites and be madly in love. You can hate each others hobbies and be absolute soulmates. You can be complete opposites and be married for decades. me and DH

You're making it very black and white. What I'm good at, my DH isn't. Whilst he is quiet and almost introverted, I'm the opposite. Whilst he has a huge academic brain, I don't. His hobbies bore me senseless and vice versa. Yet somewhere along the line, it works and has done for others too!

DH is not my best friend and i am not his. In fact neither of us really has any friends and yet we still aren't the top of each others friend list .

We have absolutely nothing in common and disagree about pretty much everything. I used to be married to someone who was my best friend, loads in common, always laughing and chatting, doing things together etc, but sadly i didn't fancy him in any way and it felt like snogging my brother. DH and i on the other hand seem to barely be able to tolerate each other but still manage to fancy the other one. It's totally weird. I think some open hostility adds frisson to a marriage

He's my "Best friend" is singular, it means to me that you put all your faith and energy in one person. Im just don't do that, I have more than one best friend, 3 to be precise and all for different reasons.

I not Im (was going to write, I'm not into that)

There's companionable silence and not communicating. I never said DH and I agree on everything. I have a hobby that his career helps with. We don't like everything together but we do take an interest in each other's hobbies. I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't have the same intellect as me. I'd be bored otherwise. What works for some relationships doesn't work for others. I couldn't be with someone who didn't speak or didn't have an academic brain. It would bore me senseless.

But why is 'best friend' singular when referring to a DH and multiple to refer to platonic friends like your 3?

And presumably you give lots to your relationship with your 3 friends without it making you downtrodden or oppressed.

If it's clearly not how you wish to operate your own relationship with your DH but that doesn't necessarily make it a negative thing in others.

DH is definitely not my best friend. I can't imagine any man having that position in my life -- I need my best friend to be a woman, so she can understand the very particular humour/worries/concerns we both share that are about our bodies, hobbies, appearance, experiences, relationships, hormones, etc... I only ever get the giggles with other women.

I love men, LOVE them, and things about a lot of women drive me insane, but my closest confidantes/friends are always female.

Hey, hey, hey...time for everyone to stop & [patronising emoji] please.
This is supposed to be helping me

If you sang the 1st three words Taylor Swift style while reading that post I'll trust and value your posts more btw

Now now Unacceptable this is AIBU once you set it going it's like wildfire - you can't control it.

Which side if the argument did you want us to come down on btw?

Oh, and my brother. I can tell him anything. But I never feel I want to confide my darkest/deepest/weirdest/worst sides to my romantic partner.

That's probably heartbreaking, but it's true. I can't imagine spilling my total "omg I almost shat myself earlier/didn't do a thing today/just ate 13 bars of chocolate/spent £700 on clothes/googlestalked my ex/ gained 2 stone/haven't washed my sheets for a month/have an unsightly arse, look at it!/etc" guts to a man I want to shag later.

Of course quietwhenreading I do like to have control though

I was after validation that codependency can be very unhealthy in a relationship.

We've had problems in the past. We're working on improving a relationship that was deteriorating and it's going rather well.
It is a hard slog though and I'm thinking me being his 'whole world' his 'best friend' his 'everything' is the source of our biggest problem.

I belong to me!!!
He belongs to him!!

I have issues with people having ownership of other people I suppose. He likes being owned I think

Second paragraph is perfect whatsgoingonEh I agree completely with that

unacceptable there is no control in AIBU!

I wish you well with your ongoing discussions with your DH.

It's possible to be 'best friends' and for me to say my DH is my world without being codependent though - my DH I certainly wouldn't consider that we 'own' each other.

Me and my DP are best friends... in fact we were best friends for 5 years before we got together as a couple. We have very similar tastes so we do most things together unless it isn't possible.
To be honest I have some single friends who find it a bit odd and I had one in particular who I had to go no contact with because she was so difficult about my relationship (she has been with all of them but this was the last straw as there is a child involved now who I will not let see this sort of behaviour).
My partner works long hours and we have a small child so in our limited free time we do like to do things and see people together so that we also get to spend time together. I don't have the time any more to see people often without my family (I obviously would make time if it was important and a friend was having a bad time and needed some one on one time with me etc).
To be honest I think its totally up to the couple and neither healthy or unhealthy how much time people spend together, its just indicative of different personalities. Some couples have very different tastes and interests to each other but are none the less In love, they sometimes even have separate groups of friends they like to go out with etc..... I totally get that that happens and its fine but its just not me.
I always tend to be best friends with my partners and they with me. I wouldn't stay long in a relationship with someone I didn't see much of. Even when I was younger I wouldn't have. Im just quite an emotionally intense person and I like to go out with similar people.

In terms of 'ownership' I think it depends what you mean really..... I guess me and my partner do 'own' each other in the sense that we know we love each other and we know for certain we will be there for each other, but its voluntary... we both gave ourselves to each other. If he wanted to leave I certainly wouldn't stop him. Id be devastated but id try and get on with my life without him if that was his choice. I suppose its hinges on weather you consider ownership to be negative. I wouldn't mind at all my OH saying I belonged to him because I do belong to him.... I love him and no one else. I consider us to be part of a team that we both agreed to being part of. We are individuals of course as well and always need to think of what the other might want but I think whilst we are together our ideas and identities blend into a compromise. Its not unhealthy and has worked well. We have some petty rows from time to time but overall I think we have the sense that we have each others back. We both want the best for each other even when we are moody with each other.
I think its different when two people decide to belong to each other than when someone owns something inanimate. You've got to respect each other and compromise, you are on the same level.
I totally understand that some people don't think like this though and like to keep a lot of emotional distance from their partners. I don't think either way is intrinsically unhealthy.
What is unhealthy is when you are feeding off each other for self esteem or happiness. No one is responsible for your emotional state apart from you. I think sometimes couples can get into a dynamic where they give their partner complete responsibility for their emotional state ie 'you are the only one who can make me happy' 'if you leave me ill die' and they can get caught up in this emotional black hole where they are in constant drama pushing each others buttons just to know they can.

My husband is my best friend. We met 14 years ago. He propsed 10 days after meeting me and i said yes. We are completely inseperable and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else. We get each other, real soul mates. I have my own friends who are really close but they have just had to adopt him as well!

It is warming my cockles a little to read all the posts from those of you who have married your friend and consider your DHs to be your friends.

I see that's healthy. It's lovely and romantic.
I think my DH could have that, he'll I think he has got that, I like him a lot BUT him trying to make me his number one in everything is making him increasingly isolated, and therefore unhappy. It also puts a strain on me that I really don't need

I now see why there is so much divorce. So many people who have married someone that they don't like/love enough to be their best friend. I find that very strange. Why did you marry? Why not see your best girlie/male friends and find someone to sleep with when you fancy it? What's the point of marriage?

I suppose it depends what duties a best friend has

If it is to be the go-to person for good times and bad, the first person you phone with good news and the person you want to drink wine with when you have bad news, then yes, DH is definitely my best friend and he would say the same about me. He gives much better and level-headed advice on nearly every topic, and is really good fun on a night out.

If it is the person that you go shopping with and get an honest answer from about whether you look good in skinny jeans, then DH probably ranks in my top 3, but there are others I would go to ahead of him given the choice

We have had a 'you find out who your friends are' dreadful year, and while all my friends have been on the whole been wonderful, it has also highlighted how DH is truly wonderful as a friend and husband.

He doesn't monopolise the post though, which is healthy

I could have written your post sparechange I've had one of those years and that is exactly how I feel.

Thebest - i think your implication about divorce being high because some people don't marry their best friend is really quite unpleasant and rude. And based on your personal opinion it is also wrong in my case. I did marry my BF but despite having masses in common we got divorced. It turns out loving the same films, music and laughing constantly at the same things are no replacement for both wanting the same things out of life and lust.

Now i am married to NMBF (Not My Best Friend) i am so much happier. We may not agree on much or have the same taste in anything but we both want the same things from life and that makes our marriage work. As for why did we get married? It was to have children. I doubt either of us would have otherwise. In fact i doubt DH would be in a relationship with anyone if it wasn't for wanting children.

Of course i could apply the same logic as you and say no wonder there is so much divorce with everyone marrying their best friends, all those couples who don't fancy each other and don't want the same things in life but just like the same bands. But that would be ridiculous and completely untrue based entirely on my 2 marriages. So i wont. I am happy people are happy with what they've got and i am happy i am happy with what i've got.