"My partner is my best friend" Healthy or Unhealthy...

[Unacceptable]

...you decide
A very minor (but interesting and reoccurring) disagreement between DH and I.
Who do you agree with?

I can't imagine not being best friends with DP either, but I do know a lot of the older generation like this (60+) When people felt they had to get married after getting pregnant so weren't really suited to each other, or when gender roles were more seperate and defined, and men tended to have male friends etc. Women weren't meant to share intimate information with husbands (with the man who has been inside their vagina!?) Men weren't even allowed in labour wards. Hobbies were more gender divided. I know this doesn't apply to everyone, I'm thinking of my parents and their friends. There is a lot they don't share with each other because it would be 'inappropriate'.
Nowadays we can be very selective with choosing our partners and be with someone we really get on with. We also tend to share everything, warts and all.

MrsDeVere you sound uncannily like me and my dh relationship wise

Horses for courses. I see friends/colleagues with their bff dh And it makes me anxious and nauseous sometimes
and oddly, most of the couples over the years who appeared to be sooooo close and sooooo in love aren't together anymore

I think for me, 'DH is my best friend', conjures up something quite cloying and unsexy - just a language thing maybe.

BillBryson I totally agree, marriage has changed a lot in our society in the last several centuries. It used to be a pure matter of convenience, with powerful men routinely keeping a semi-official mistress on the side. This arrangement worked well in many ways - but like you I still find it sad, and prefer a more modern approach.

MrsD, not intended to be patronising in the slightest. I totally accept "different strokes for different folks" and acknowledged that my position reflects my own background and is subjective. It is my right, however, to state that the thought of a marriage such as you describe makes me sad - just as you'd no doubt feel claustrophobic at the idea of a partnership like DH and I have - that's your right, even though I personally can't relate. Thank goodness we're all different and want different things!

Raised the 'partner as best friend' issue with my DH today and we decided it was largely an issue of language and how you want to portray your relationship. He said that, in addition to being his wife, I was his favourite animal. But he probably wouldn't introduce me as such at parties.

Dh is my best friend (when I'm speaking to him that is ) - he's also a huge bunch of others things, but he's definitely my best mate. Doesn't mean we spend every waking moment with each other though, and I have a very busy life outside the friendship/relationship - but friendship, as in liking someone as well as loving them, and enjoying doing stuff together, is really important in a marriage imo.

My husband is one of my best friends and I am one of his.

I think it can be healthy or unhealthy, it depends on the relationship.

I know people in very unhealthy friendships with others who aren't their partners, I'd say those best friends are toxic, too intense or codependent. Likewise those in great and healthy friendships with those that aren't their partner.

So obviously the same goes when your best friend is your partner too, it can be great or very not so.

DH is my best friend!

Best friend but not only friend. He is the person I would instinctively confide in, want to do things with and I don't ever have to worry what he thinks of me.
However, we are very different and do things separately with different people too!

He's my best friend, no doubt, but we are wildly different. Like chalk and cheese. Actually my second best friend is a lot like the female version of him so I guess I gravitate towards people who are like me, but complement my character in some way.

Spandexpants I'd really like to be one of DH's best friends in his eyes.

The BFF tag irritates me in general. I don't think I've ever liked that tag, well perhaps I did as a child.

I think it's fine. "My partner is my only friend" = unhealthy.

No, my husband isn't my best friend, I don't think of him really in friendship terms even though we get on extremely well, like time together, speak a lot and so forth. I think 'partner' or 'husband' more than covers it- but it's a much franker, more honest, intense and sometimes unpleasant (in that you have to care for them in ways you never think possible when you start out, if they are sick or ill or have mental health issues) relationship than a friendship, which to me has a bit more distance about it.

I also have a 'best friend' so no need to insert my husband to replace that. My best friend I've known for over 30 years, and I can talk to her and tell her anything too, but I don't get cross at her if she doesn't stack the dishwasher, or have loud rows about educating our children or money or where we should live and so on.

DH is definitely one of my best friends. He knows absolutely everything about me. He can read me like a book and I him. We don't share the same hobbies but due to his work my hobby occasionally requires his help. He's always at the important events to cheer me on. We have completely different careers and talk non stop when we're in the house. We eat dinner together every night and spend lots of time together. We both love to travel, the theatre, eating out and history. I couldn't be with someone I had nothing in common with.

You have a 'right' to say my marriage makes you feel sad? Really?

She didn't actually say this ^^

What FirstLaw said was that the thought of a marriage such as you described made her sad. The thought of a marriage (as you described) also made me think I couldn't be in a marriage like that. As she also said "different strokes for different folks". You sound rather defensive and are spoiling for a fight for some reason, which is uncalled for.

Mrs dv responded to the thread with her own experience inc how she loves her dh and how they rub along nicely.

For someone to, unsolicitedly, respond that they find her long relationship so sad , IS patronising and unnecessary.

it is however my right to state that the thought of having such a patronising personality makes me very sad

People are actually allowed to post their views Mrs DV. In my view, you have taken exception to one post and yes, you come across as spoiling for an argument. Lots of couples have dealt with the loss of children, illness etc (which you chose to raise) Not all couples who have been through those horrific events have a close relationship. DH and I are lucky, we do. I actually didn't see anyone use the word "unhinged" "unwell" or "wonderful" . As I said, you have taken ONE post out of the context it was meant and are goading that poster IMO.

If it's a disagreement between you and your partner then it clearly shouldn't be the case for you then.

Dh is my best friend in that he is the person I would turn to in a crisis.

However, we spend a lot of time apart (not enough imo ) and I have a few close female friends who I can moan about discuss dh with!

I tend to have better nights out without dh, there's something about us that doesn't do coupley things great together. He is slightly shy and tends to hang around me, whereas I just want to talk to everyone else.

your partner being your 'best friend' in that you want to spend time with them, enjoy their company and get on well in general rather than just in terms of having sex - fine. Your partner being your only friend, you can't cope without them if they go away for a night and you have nobody else around you if your partner was to leave you/die, you're entirely dependent on them, and don't spend time with anyone else but them - not fine, very unhealthy.