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AIBU?

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Original poster

"My partner is my best friend" Healthy or Unhealthy...

207 replies

Unacceptable · 28/02/2016 06:04

...you decide
A very minor (but interesting and reoccurring) disagreement between DH and I.
Who do you agree with?

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 28/02/2016 07:44

I don't know if it's unhealthy but my husband isn't my best friend. He's the first person I usually want to tell things to and the one person I know would put me before anything else but he's not my best friend. Best friend to me is a different thing.

I don't tell either my husband or my best friend everything anyway, I don't tend to talk about things that are worrying me, I like to sort things out myself first and then maybe talk about it. I don't really understand the way of thinking that includes I tell my partner everything, I couldn't keep a secret from them etc that you sometimes see. I've been with my husband for 24 years, married for almost 18.

redexpat · 28/02/2016 07:44

He is my companion.

iloveeverykindofcat · 28/02/2016 07:45

Katenka: Me too! He had a penchant for OTT compliments anyway, but 'you are my everything' was a step too far. Spent most of that night awake and mildly creeped out; broke it off soon afterwards.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/02/2016 07:47

I think any healthy relationship has friendship at its heart.

Some of the relationships you read about on here - the couples are about as far removed from 'friends' as it's possible to get. They're unkind/abusive to each other, and in many instances, seem to actively dislike - if not, actually hate - each other. And would be far happier apart.

I would also think it strange not to consider your spouse to be at least one of your very best friends. And agree with everyone else that when it tips over into clingy co-dependency, that it's not healthy.

What's up OP? What's your recurring disagreement about?

tabulahrasa · 28/02/2016 07:48

Hmm I'm not sure though if you asked me who my best friend was that it'd be my DP that came to mind...

Not because actually thinking about it he isn't, but because, well, it's different.

Helmetbymidnight · 28/02/2016 07:56

Dd - 6 - is always putting her friends in a list of favourites, I always tell her to be happy she has some good friends.

So yeah dh is a good friend :)

I find the whole 'bestie' thing in adults on FB really uncomfortable as well.

Katenka · 28/02/2016 07:58

Me too! He had a penchant for OTT compliments anyway, but 'you are my everything' was a step too far. Spent most of that night awake and mildly creeped out; broke it off soon afterwards.

God that's so similar. I was like that. Felt like I was in a horror movie. We hadn't been dating 6 weeks. His mum did not like any of his girlfriends and was rude to me. He said it didn't matter, he would never speak to his family again. All he needed was me Shock

I have never been good a codependency. Good job dh feels the same Grin

MrsMook · 28/02/2016 08:01

I'd talk about a female friend as being my best friend, but DH is one too.

Our relationship grew out of friendship. As our relationship has grown from couple to family, and we have less time and energy to invest as a couple, that underlying friendship keeps us bonded and our relationship stable.

We encourage other friendships too. Ours are often mix and match with other couples we know or independent friendship.

I couldn't be in an relationship exclusive to other friendships. Having watched DM be widowed abruptly at a fairly young age, her network of friends was essential to help her adjust.

itsonlysubterfuge · 28/02/2016 08:02

DH and I are probably one of these "unhealthy" relationships. Neither one of us has any friends and we are happy that way. I don't know why you have to have friends to be healthy? I am not a social person, I hate talking on the telephone and would rather spend the night reading a book or watching TV, I don't enjoy going out. All through my life, I've only really ever had one friend at a time, now that I have DH he has taken the place of a best friend.

Hassled · 28/02/2016 08:04

On the basis that there's no-one I'd rather spend time with, then yes, I suppose DH is my best friend. But you don't really apply the word "friend" to a romantic relationship so it feels wrong to say so.

Katenka · 28/02/2016 08:06

But you don't really apply the word "friend" to a romantic relationship so it feels wrong to say so.

That's true. I wouldn't introduce dh as my best friend or even say he was in RL, unless I was asked 'is your dh one of your best friends'

I would say 'yes he is'.

But then I wouldn't rank my non romantic friends in order of who was best.

BipBippadotta · 28/02/2016 08:11

I am torn about this. I get a bit sick in my mouth when people say 'I married my best friend' - it always sounds a bit infantilising.

I wouldn't refer to my dh as my 'best friend' and would not like to be referred to as his. We live together, we fancy each other, we have sex. I don't do those things with my best friend.

That said, my dh is the person I'm closest to and do most things with. I have enormous respect for him & we have a laugh & share in-jokes & have fun together & comfort each other at the absolute worst of times & give each other plenty of space. I've got a couple of close & close-ish friends I see regularly & so does DH (though he sees them less regularly).

I suppose I feel that a 'partner' is in a category of its own with elements of friend, lover & family.

firesidechat · 28/02/2016 08:18

Best friend is fine and is how I see my husband and he feels the same way I think. Only friend would not be good in any way.

RoobyTuesday · 28/02/2016 08:19

It's a tricky one as although DH is certainly my friend, my partner and means the world to me I have a small group of friends whom I have known since I was at pre school. We know everything about each other and are totally ingrained into each other's lives. I would trust them with my life - can sit just as quietly and comfortably with them as I can with DH and I don't think I could say he is a 'better' friend to me than them. I love spending time with him but would feel extremely claustrophobic if I didn't spend plenty of time with other friends and family as well. I guess I'd say I love him a lot, enjoy his company and wouldn't want to be without him but I'm not sure I'd call him my best friend.

tabulahrasa · 28/02/2016 08:19

"I suppose I feel that a 'partner' is in a category of its own with elements of friend, lover & family."

Yes, that's the sort of thing I mean.

firesidechat · 28/02/2016 08:21

Like others on here I'm also a bit too old for best friends and I don't have them amoung my actual friendship group. I do have close freinds though. I see "best friend" when applied to a partner as a bit of a short hand term that most people understand.

LilacAndLovely · 28/02/2016 08:30

Yes, dh is my best friend.

I don't know how it would be possible for him to not be. I have shared things with him that I've never shared with anyone else. We spend every evening together, share the majority of our annual leave doing things together. I can/would tell him things that i'd not tell anyone else.

I have other friends and one friend who I would consider a 'best' friend - but they'd all come a poor second compared to dh tbh.

Fairenuff · 28/02/2016 08:52

He's the person I laugh the most with. I never tire of his company. He checks up on me if I'm ill. I admire him. He's very caring with children and often to be found cuddling the cat.

He's outdoorsy and I'm indoorsy. He's a great cook and I can just about sling a meal together. He can be baffled by technology but I can usually sort it for him. So I would say that we're a good fit and, yes, best friends.

What's your argument about OP? Best friends does not mean you have to do everything together or even have the same opinions.

Amummyatlast · 28/02/2016 08:53

I am torn about this. I get a bit sick in my mouth when people say 'I married my best friend' - it always sounds a bit infantilising.

But I did marry my best friend. In that he was my best friend for a few years before he became my boyfriend and later my husband.

I've always been a bit Hmm about programmes like sex and the city, because I've never had those type of female relationships. I've had (and have) female friends, but none who fall into the 'best friend' category. But DH definitely falls into that category.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 28/02/2016 08:56

Well DH is my best friend in as much as I would rather spend time with him than any other adult. However I have a best friend who I've known since I was a child and several other close friends without whom my life would be infinitely less fulfilling and rounded, and I spend a lot of time with my parents and sister who also bring a lot to my life. I love being with my husband but would hate being with him all the time with no input from anyone else.

AyeAmarok · 28/02/2016 09:01

Mine is my best friend. He is the person I can spend every minute of the day with and I never get tired of him.

We have separate friends, jobs and interests though.

I'm Shock at Writer's friend!

Helmetbymidnight · 28/02/2016 09:05

I guess we bring our own definition to words - and for me dh doesn't fit 'friend' or 'best friend', he's more like partner, lover, confidante...

(Annoying co-worker, irritating boss, recalcitrant employee etc etc)

Notagainmun · 28/02/2016 09:06

Yes my DH is the person who I am closest to. We share our home and lives. He is the person I go to first with good news and bad. We share our hopes and dreams and are there for our grown up children if they need us. I think that qualifies as best friends. We do have our own interests too and often meet our own friends separately.

My DS and BIL are inseparable though. She won't come on a women only night out or even shopping with me as he would be on his own. They don't seem very happy though as the always bicker to each other when I visit them.

JolseBaby · 28/02/2016 09:10

DH is my best friend, in that I trust him more than anyone else in the world. I'd rather spend time with him over anyone else. I know he has my back and we are a team.

We have lots of shared interests, very similar sense of humour and like a lot of the same stuff. We've known each other for over 25 years now and we were friends before we started a relationship. We spend most of our spare time together but quite often we'll be pottering about separately but under the same roof.

However we do have separate interests and we're often doing separate things, so we don't live in each others' pockets. I think friendship is an essential part of a successful partnership/marriage. Once the intense attraction of the early days simmers down, you need something to hold you together beyond sex. I also think it's important because friendship has respect at the heart of it. I see lots of couples who are together who don't seem to like each other that much - and it comes across in the disdainful or contemptuous way they speak or treat each other.

That said, I think there is a fine balance between closeness, friendship and co-dependency. If my marriage went pop tomorrow I would be absolutely devastated, but I'm damn sure that as heartbroken as I'd be, I'd be able to carry on alone. I love my DH but I am married to him through choice, not necessity.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 28/02/2016 09:11

My dh is my best friend. We have a small baby who will not sleep ever and thank goodness we're friends because a lot of the romantic stuff just isn't happening at the moment. The fact that we're best friends means that it doesn't matter that we haven't been on a date or had sex in weeks or really done anything except collapse in front of the TV. It also means that although I miss all my other friends who I'm too tired to see at the moment, I'm ok because I'm with my best friend at home.