Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

338 replies

Mumcouchtotri · 07/02/2016 08:24

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 07/02/2016 08:26

There is no rule

It's your choice

molyholy · 07/02/2016 08:32

I think you must be struggling with this as you have posted here. Have your children asked you to help or are you assuming/feeling obliged? It is totally up to you to do what makes you happy and I am sure that is what your children want for you.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 07/02/2016 08:32

It's your money, you are free to do as you want with it.

We are planning to help our children with deposits though. Unless they're in high earning jobs they will struggle to get a start until they're in their thirties, in which case they probably won't be able to afford family size homes until their forties, if at all. It's a shit situation all round.

nicepetstone · 07/02/2016 08:33

My Mum loaned us some of her savings - so not a deposit I suppose, but we were able to pay her a higher interest rate than the bank, and still save vs a bigger mortgage. Understanding is though that we would extend mortgage if she needed access to the capital.

You do sound a bit harsh about this, does this reflect your own parents' attitude? I take it the other parent(s) is (are) not involved?

My main concern no about my parents' capital though is that they have it there for elderly care. I would not want to be in the situation of having had money from them, that they then needed to pay to get a carer to come in and wipe their bums. That would leave us all in a difficult situation I think.

MintyBojingles · 07/02/2016 08:33

I don't think help stops at 18, but your money your choice. It is jolly hard to get on the property ladder without parental help these days though.

Did your parents help you?

Pooka · 07/02/2016 08:33

The responsibility ends when they are an adult in that they are not entitled to help. But in my experience and how I would expect to Be when the children are older (particularly since IMO our children will have a harder time getting on the property ladder than we did) it's natural to want to continue helping children as much as possible for as long as it is needed.

My mother helped me and my brothers. Most saving I do now is so that at some point in the future I will be able to help my children. I would rather they were financially secure for their futures. When your rental properties start bringing in an income, with your existing income as a retiree with no mortgage, I would have thought you would still be able to go on cruises even if you helped them financially at least a bit.

chillycurtains · 07/02/2016 08:33

Yes, you are not financially responsible. The gifts that are given to children for house deposits, etc are gifts of love and parents showing generosity. This is not an obligation. It is worth considering that you did manage to buy a house in an easier financial time regarding house purchasing. I don't mean you had lots of money but that the process were easier. The bar has been moved with purchasing a first home now and it can be very difficult without help and support.

yankeecandle4 · 07/02/2016 08:34

Entirely up to you. Of course your children would like their own homes, but that would be an incredibly generous gift, not a given.

My Mother recently retired and is still paying into life insurance policies so that when she dies I will be looked after.....I'm nearly 40 fgs! I keep telling her i would much rather she enjoyed her money while she is in good health, unlike her parents who were not able to travel due to sickness etc.

Eastpoint · 07/02/2016 08:34

Why don't you just live a little and see how your finances work out? You might find that you save more than you currently anticipate and can afford to give them £20k in 5 years. You can always say to them you were wrong & that you'd like to give them some money if you change your mind.

lilydaisyrose · 07/02/2016 08:35

I think you should consider it. I'm 36 and not ashamed to say that my folks still help me out - they didn't help with a house deposit (we didn't need one with a 125% suicide loan Blush in 2005) but have helped so much over the years as have DH's parents. We are very grateful. I will help my kids out forever and can't imagine cutting them off at 18. It's so much harder now to get started and things are so out of reach for lots of young people.

I understand that your fortunate position is due to you being very careful and sensible, and you need to look towards your own future and protect yourself - however, would you consider gifting them one of your btls each once the mortgage is paid off, which they could sell for a deposit contribution?

I don't think you should be expected to help but I am surprised you don't want to.

nutbrownhare15 · 07/02/2016 08:35

It's totally up to you, your money, you earned it. Saying that, you may want to consider that it was likely far easier to get onto the housing ladder when you were their age. Is there a halfway house here where you can give a little bit of help to children who are already saving hard but your help would help them buy a bit sooner/before prices go up even more? With your income I don't see why you couldn't enjoy your retirement and selectively help your kids, if you choose to do so.

Trickydecision · 07/02/2016 08:36

I am not sure that "all help ends at 18". Our DSs are considerably older than that and over the years we have given them large sums of money for houses and doing them up, and paid for holidays etc, because we want to.

However, there is no way we would be doing that if it interfered with our own enjoyment of retirement after long years of hard work.

Enjoy your well deserved new life and please yourself.

bb888 · 07/02/2016 08:37

I think this is totally up to you. Maybe see how you feel in a few years once you know how your own finances are working, it seems like right now you don't have a clear enough idea of it to be comfortably able to give a large amount away.

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 08:38

Finally I have a reasonable income

What was your income like when you were working?

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 07/02/2016 08:39

It's up to you but I personally don't feel my responsibilities end when my children turn 18 or get a job. Not even that really, I would just want to help them and I would feel guilty having luxuries and btl properties when my children were struggling/had no chance of owning even their own home.

You of course have worked hard and deserve to enjoy that. As pp said there is no rule, but in all honesty I would feel upset if my parents didn't help when they could (even as a small loan off you to get started out and only if they had disposable income - it sounds as though you could still do some nice things and have enough to offer a little help). Perhaps though that's just because I am one of the generation who cannot afford a house and probably never will and I am hung up on that anyway! (My parents really cannot afford to help so I would never expect it or ask for it from them)

Shakey15000 · 07/02/2016 08:40

Completely your choice.

I think though, it's a completely different ball game trying to get on the property ladder nowadays than when you bought your first property. I assume you had the choice of putting down a 5% deposit as opposed to the usual 20% now. I probably will help DS if he genuinely needs it. Mind you he's only 8 so goodness knows what the situation will be when he's older Grin

Have they asked?

hesterton · 07/02/2016 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mollie123 · 07/02/2016 08:43

you have a £34k income and own a 'few' BTLs Hmm
I know what I would do out of love and generosity (in fact I did help my son from my savings when my income is a third of yours and I have no BTLs Shock )
Out of £34k pa and selling some of your 'few' BTLs you could still have your cruises and the rest - no-one would say you have not earned your money but lots of us have worked for more than 35 years and still find it in our hearts to help our family.

Peppatina · 07/02/2016 08:44

My parents helped me with my deposit but I absolutely didn't think it was an automatic right.

It was a huge favour and therefore optional Smile

riverboat1 · 07/02/2016 08:46

YANBU. My mum recently came into a large, unexpected sum of money and I absolutely did not expect her to give me a sizeable chunk of it for a house deposit. It is the first time in her life she has had proper money like that and I would not feel good appropriating it from her.

We have talked about her possibly lending me some money towards a house, and me paying her back with interest. This could be a good deal for both of us as it would enable her to grow her capital and me to get a hassle-free loan.

My DP similarly borrowed the money to buy his house from his parents, and is effectively mortgaged to them, paying them back over a long term with interest.

This could be a good option to consider if you trust your children and have a bit of capital.

mollie123 · 07/02/2016 08:46

OP - what is CSR - is it a new flash car?

MuggerBe · 07/02/2016 08:46

I think if your parents helped you out then you might be more inclined to help them.

I have inlaws who benefitted from huge inheritance and cheap loans yet claim to have done it all themselves.

It's your money but be aware that if you need care in old age then the government will swallow it up for your care costs and you won't be able to gift it.

DonkeyOaty · 07/02/2016 08:47

No rules or musts. No need to compare self with other parents. Your children will sink or swim.

My parents didn't help us financially but they weren't in a position to anyway.

yankeecandle4 · 07/02/2016 08:47

I don't own my own house (and never will) but I would never resent my parents not giving me a deposit. I am quite shocked at some of the responses here.

I also know at 18 I would not cut the apron strings so to speak, but if they are working I don't think it is my responsibility to pay for their deposit, it would be a generous gift.

Paddletonio · 07/02/2016 08:47

I think you sound very selfish and silly.

You are not obligated to help but surely you do realise you have had it easy due to luck and that's what enabled you to have your own home, large pension and various buy to lets. Working for 35 years also nothing unusual - people have to work much longer now. Assuming you started work at say 21 that would only out you in mid 50s and retired! So a bit Hmm to go on about how you have worked so hard and now deserve your cruises.

Not so easy for the current generation. Some baby boomers really have their head in the clouds.

Swipe left for the next trending thread