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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

338 replies

Mumcouchtotri · 07/02/2016 08:24

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

OP posts:
Wondermoomin · 07/02/2016 09:31

A lot of us are lucky enough to have good assets on the back of the very system which is now disadvantaging our children.

That's true. Almost every family I know is 'spreading the wealth' through the generations by helping children/grandchildren. There's only one family I know that's backed by a lot of assets but not passing significant support on down through the generations (some support, but not a lot - and tbf my knowledge is limited to what I've been told about their set-up).

Sorebigtoes · 07/02/2016 09:32

You might find your children already know your position on the matter! My parents made quite clear to me that I should be independent and so I have been. We have v little hope of owning a house for a long time (if ever) and live in accommodation tied to DH's job. Incidentally, both my brothers have had significant financial help from them. Things are different for them! I do try not to let it bother me but it does a bit. Having said that, we live a long way away now and any future care stuff will have to be dealt with by them... You reap what you sow.

RandomMess · 07/02/2016 09:34

The only caveat is do you realise that it is relatively more expensive to buy a property in the SE now than it was when you were their age??? So they could work as hard as you and earn the same equivalent and still not afford to buy due to the changes in the economy?

I don't think you should feel any obligation to give them anything but it would be wonderful to find a way of helping them in a way that financially doesn't disadvantage you but would help them.

Katenka · 07/02/2016 09:37

I don't think help should stop at 18.

But Yanbu. It's your money and you are under no obligation. It doesn't mean you love them less than others.

Hamishandthefoxes · 07/02/2016 09:39

Your children will not be retiring after a mere 35 years - 55 or do if you started at 20. And an annual pension of 35k is optimistic for 20 year olds nowadays unless they're very high earners. I think you have been very lucky and it is s shame to cut your children off at 18 so before university and any sort of professional training etc because you want to go on cruises.

I'd help my children and fully expect to help adult children when mine reach that stage because I love them and don't see the point in making their lives significantly harder when doing so is only a slight inconvenience to me.

nicecomfymat · 07/02/2016 09:41

The currently retired and retiring did not make money 'by being careful' etc. They mostly made money through access to affordable property which made them massive capital gains. Children from age 0-25 have little hope of achieving the wealth you want to enjoy by simply 'working for 35 years'. As a BTL owner you are basically profiting from the market which is making it much harder for your children to buy a home. Yes your legal responsibilities ended at 18. Morally you should give them back some of the money you've made making the housing market inaccessible to them.

DaisyDando · 07/02/2016 09:43

But what is a CSR though?

bb888 · 07/02/2016 09:43

I assumed it was an autocorrect for car?

SeasonalVag · 07/02/2016 09:44

Your choice, op, but you do know that for many people, having children is out of the question as they cannot afford to live in a house or flat big enough? That's the real tragedy for that generation.

My kids are very small, but I'm already saving for them here and there.

OurBlanche · 07/02/2016 09:46

You are quite right, nicecomfymat.

The currently retired made their money because they were born at the 'right time'.

Maybe those who insist that is unfair could either:
a) round them all up and strip them of all their assets
b) invent a real time machine and go back and buy up all the houses then nip forward and live like kings
c) realise that such changes occur in every generation, you have advantages those ever so comfy boomers didn't have
d) use all that energy to your own benefit rather than miring yourselves in such useless hatred.

Eeeek686 · 07/02/2016 09:49

This ticks so many bloody boxes it's either a wind up or a reverse but I'll take a nibble in so far as to say I'd hope that if I were in as financially fortunate a situation as you Op I'd be more than happy to use some of my (by the sound of it) great wealth by today's standards to give my beloved children a helping hand in life. Just saying....

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 07/02/2016 09:49

Nicecomfymat

Could not agree more. Babyboomers got free higher education, early access to final salary pensions, and made a fortune from unearned, untaxed, profit on housing. They are now moaning about having to pay care home fees for elderly relatives as it eats into what they see as inheritances due to them.

It is time to turn this around before our society breaks under the strain.

JessieMcJessie · 07/02/2016 09:50

Journalist?

Gobbolino6 · 07/02/2016 09:54

Perfectly reasonable. My parents didn't help us with a deposit and we were fine. I do feel a bit cross when they wonder why we don't have a bigger house. They bought a house with just under 3 years' modest salary in the 80s. It's now worth £800,000.

Before you make your choice, bear in mind these are the people who will be choosing your nursing home... Grin

Crazypetlady · 07/02/2016 09:55

I am terrified for my sons future with the current state of the country. If I had ANYWHERE near the money you have then I would be helping him as much as I could to secure a better future.

Oriunda · 07/02/2016 09:56

"All help stops at 18" - that's absolutely fine, but just remember it cuts both ways.

Wait4nothing · 07/02/2016 09:56

My mum and dad have been very generous, they contributed money to our wedding (we had budgeted to do it without their help) and lent us the money for a deposit (still paying back 2 years on - no interest) so we could buy when we needed to relocate rather than rent for a few more years. His parents bought a car outright for us and we pay back monthly. We are so lucky to have this help and it makes life easier. I would look at offering some sort of loan agreement when the time comes.

Gooseysgirl · 07/02/2016 09:59

We will help our kids out post 18 if they need it and we have the means which hopefully we will, in particular we will help them out as long as they are in further education. That comes with an expectation that they will both (if possible) take on some part time employment like myself and DH did as teenagers, to help them learn about the value of money, saving budgeting etc. We would love to have more kids but it's one of the main reasons we stopped at two. We are in our early 40s, earn good salaries and are v lucky to have recently bought our home in the outskirts of London. Our mums are both widows for over 30 years and it is with great reluctance that we have accepted financial help a couple of times but have always paid them back. I think in your position we would probably sell one of the BTLs to help them out if they are still struggling in a couple of years time.

80sMum · 07/02/2016 10:00

It's entirely up to you, OP. I understand how you feel, you want to enjoy life while you're still able.
It sounds as though you have a decent amount of financial security. An annual income of £34k and you own more than one buy to let property, on which you expect to have paid off the mortgages within 5 years.
Once you have been retired for a few years, and can see how your income will work for you and you've paid off the mortgages, you would then be in a good position to consider releasing some of your assets to your children, IF you wanted to.

DH and I are not yet retired. Our children are now well into their 30s and during the past 10 years we have given them a lot of money, to help not only with house purchases but other stuff as well. Some of that was simply money cascading down through the family, as my in-laws had given us some money about 15 years ago to help pay off our mortgage when we were both in a period of unemployment. Giving away some savings has meant that our retirement savings haven't really grown all that much in the past few years and so we are now trying to plough money back in while we are both still working and able to do it.

I found it impossible not to help the children out. I felt guilty that I had savings and they didn't. I found that I couldn't just sit counting all our savings while the children struggled to get started with their adult lives.

Floisme · 07/02/2016 10:02

Your op doesn't make sense. You say you 'finally have a reasonable income' - implying you are actually better off since you retired.

You don't say what job you were in but their pension scheme sounds extraordinary.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 07/02/2016 10:05

I can't imagine not wanting to help my children. DH and I are planning our lives around being able to help our DD's with a house deposit.

WhirlyTwos · 07/02/2016 10:06

OP, how do your BTLs not yet generate income but have only 3 - 5 years left on the mortgage term? Hmm

Finallyonboard · 07/02/2016 10:07

I'm saving for my DD now - she's four. It isn't unreasonable to help a bit if you can. Perhaps not a deposit but part of or even £100 per month?

WhirlyTwos · 07/02/2016 10:08

Floisme

I thought about that too, and was just about to run some calcs. I'm not sure things add up here, literally, and possibly metaphorically too.

LilacAndLovely · 07/02/2016 10:10

how do your BTLs not yet generate income but have only 3 - 5 years left on the mortgage term?

Well why would they generate income? Hmm

The mortgage payment doesn't usually go down just because you're nearing the end of the term! The op could take out a loan with the equity of course but the rent payments are probably still covering the mortgage payments.