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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

338 replies

Mumcouchtotri · 07/02/2016 08:24

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

OP posts:
JizzyStradlin · 07/02/2016 08:49

There isn't a rule, and it's your choice.

However, your children are members of a generation screwed over royally by the property ponzi, and additionally they're highly unlikely to get the opportunity you've had to retire on 34k after only 35 years of work. This is through no fault of their own, but simply because of when they were born. With that in mind, I personally would try to give them at least something. 34k is a very nice income with no housing, childcare and commuting costs. But it's your call.

Chopsychops · 07/02/2016 08:49

Instead of a cash sum, perhaps you could let them rent one of your BTL places at a reasonable or slightly reduced rate?

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 08:49

It is your choice whether you give a house deposit. Thats a huge amount and beyond most parents affordability. But to say all financial help stops at 18 is mean Imo. 18 is still school age, year 13, so is still very young.

To be anle to afford after working for 35 years you must have had some lucky breaks. Free higher education? Cheap houses? What about help towards the cost of a wedding? I bought my first house with a 100% mortgage and made money when sold two years later. Things like this dont exist now. My cousin bought her house by having her dad pay her deposit and act as guarantor, otherwise she would never be able to buy. I have had bank accounts for my children i have SO into since they were born for when they are older. I personally dont believe your children stop Being your responsibility at 18.

HeyYouGetOffMyCloud · 07/02/2016 08:50

We've had no financial help whatsoever from either sets of parents. Dh's parents go on around 12 holidays a year and spend a lot of money on themselves. Mine probably do 6 per year.

We've been okay but many of our friends have had help from parents to say buy a family car or pay towards an extension. I think that's lovely if they can do it. I do find it odd that ours do none of that when they so clearly could. It wouldn't need to be a lot but it would be nice to have that recognition that times are much much harder now.

We are already saving to help our dc.

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 08:50

baby boomers
That didn't take long.
I wondered what a CSR is too. Perhaps the OP will return to enlighten us. Or not.

NeedACleverNN · 07/02/2016 08:51

My parents have never helped me with housing deposits and in fact they still are paying mortgage on their own house.

Your money, your choice

JaWellNoFine · 07/02/2016 08:53

Kids are a bit like puppies. They are for life not for Christmas. Sure we hope that they will not always need us but sometimes they so. Just because you are only legally obliged to care for your kids until they are 18. It doesn't actually mean you stop on their birthday. How bizarre!

I will help my kids as it is much harder today than it was 20 years .. Never mind 35. I will do everything I can to help them have secure futures for them and their families. I have already told them we will put tiny houses in the garden when they need it so the can have their independence as house prices are ridiculous. We just bought and a priority was having a piece of land big enough to do this. (Thank goodness tiny houses are tiny)

It is your choice..

OurBlanche · 07/02/2016 08:54

YANBU at all.

You could reconsider when your btls are paid off, if you want to. But why should you, or anyone, spend a significant percentage of the money you have for your retirement on your kids? They have many years of working and earning ahead of them. You are reliant on whatever it is you currently have in place being enough to pay for X years of retirement, including any health issues you may experience in future years.

£34K sounds great, assuming you have no large outgoings, no nasty surprises. Why don't you try a few years being free of every day work. Try a cruise or two, see if you really like them (I hate the sound of them but would have my own equivalent Smile ) and then, when all of your assets are realised have another think.

N3wYear2016 · 07/02/2016 08:54

I know a few people who have only had a couple of years being retired, then had a sudden illness and sadly passed away

If you still have good health I would definitely book some holidays and do some things you have always wanted to do

Then, if you have some savings left, you can think about giving some money to your children

JizzyStradlin · 07/02/2016 08:56

Yes, I rather suspect OP will me making one post and one only.

MrsAmaretto · 07/02/2016 08:58

It is your choice and your money.

But you must know what it's like to be someone under 40 today? Up to eyeballs in debt from uni, no long term job security, no house security if renting, high rents taking a huge proportion of income, struggling to save for a high deposit. If your children are in that position they may end up resenting you eventually.

If they're in their twenties, I can understand that you don't want them to see you as "the bank of mum & dad". But many friends in their 30s are holding off starting families etc as they have no long term home - how can you plan to have kids if you can be moved on at anytime?

Oh, and £34k a year is a big income, let alone for a pension!!

minifingerz · 07/02/2016 08:58

YANBU.

But if your children are struggling with housing then they might resent you putting frivolous pleasure ahead of helping them.

But that may be something you are willing to tolerate.

scarlets · 07/02/2016 08:58

How about an interest free loan instead?

lighteningirl · 07/02/2016 08:59

My two adult dc have worked saved bad bought in the SE I payed solicitors fees and surveyors searches etc no lump sums from me I want to enjoy my retirement and they are perfectly capable of supporting themselves.

Chrysanthemum5 · 07/02/2016 08:59

I think this is a reverse. What is a CSR anyway?

senua · 07/02/2016 08:59

I nearly got sucked into this. I hate threads where OP drops a bomb and then doesn't come back to follow up. Perhaps Mumcouchtotri thinks that her need for involvement finishes after the thread gets to the 18th post.Grin

Towardsthesun · 07/02/2016 08:59

A lot of young people are still studying at 18 and need financial support at least until they finish their studies. Times have changed. When I left school, many friends went straight In to full-time employment and could earn decent money or studied with a grant.

I also agree with pps about it being more difficult to get on the housing ladder.

It also depends on how much money you have. Are you really going to spend all the money from your investment properties on cruises? Have you planned your finances for the future and know what you are spending it on? Are we talking £10 k for your retirement or tens of thousands?

Melawen · 07/02/2016 09:00

An interesting one - I'm 40+ and never had such large help from my parents although they're generous in other ways. But if I could help my daughter (she's only 4!) without disadvantaging myself then I probably would. (Especially, as a pp said, you can't keep it if you need care.)

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 09:00

Jizzy I agree.

Blu · 07/02/2016 09:00

It's up to you, and no one you'll assume or expect support.

Well done: you have worked, and planned and invested well and deserve a good retirement and time to enjoy it.

But in your shoes, seeing how very hard it is for the new generation, with house prices, with a good income and capital like yours I would consider letting them have one of the BTL between them, if you really do have 'a few'. And making it easier for them now than an inheritance in 30 years time.

Help in families goes back and forth and hopefully they will be ready to help when you are frail, or need a bit of help and company on your cruises!

I'm not saying buy their future support , but when do you think responsibility for an elderly parent stops? Responsibility in families doesn't stop, it is part of the glue that holds it together.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/02/2016 09:00

Working 35 years is nothing

Retiring in your 50/60's is very fortunate

Having a load of properties you've been able to buy is out of reach for your children

You've had loads of advantages they haven't had including property rises which you haven't 'earned'

You're not coming back or this is a reverse so I'm perfectly comfortable in saying you're greedy and avaricious.

Whathaveilost · 07/02/2016 09:01

I have no intention of giving my kids a deposit and nor do they expect one.
They get a lot of help in different ways.

I also don't understand the need to be on a property ladder. Most of my extended family rent and like the flexibility of renting or others are happy to rent until they can afford their own place without relying on bank of mummy and daddy.

BertieBeats · 07/02/2016 09:01

My parents were like this as soon as I started working at 15. I think it helped loads with my attitude to finances later in life , I'm always saving and even though partner and I are on low income with 2 kids I still have a fair bit in my ISA. I know that if we ever stumble across a problem later in life we won't be able to rely on my parents so feel I need savings behind me

However, this was mainly because they didn't have a lot of money themselves , may even if they did they would have helped a bit more. They're brilliant and supportive in other ways. My partners parents have always helped their kids financially but not to the extent that they rely on them , my partner had his own home at 18 as his mum put the mortgage in her name and paid the deposit !

JeanGenie23 · 07/02/2016 09:03

It's up to you what you do with your money! Some parents do help out, if they can, but you shouldn't feel under pressure to do the same.

I would love my mum to spend her money on herself, yes I would also be grateful if she helped me out with a deposit for a house, but I can save for that myself.

SerenityReynolds · 07/02/2016 09:04

I understand why you are torn. It is desperately difficult to get on the property ladder now, especially in the SE. However you're right in that your income is yours to enjoy after a lifetime of working hard.

Technically yes. I would say that your financial responsibilities for your children end when they reach late teens/early twenties, depending if they are working/still in education. That doesn't mean you can't help them out from time to time, but the onus should definitely be on them by that point. How much financial help is given (or not) is a completely individual decision though.

Are your children actively looking to buy property at the moment? A one-off gift to boost their savings might be nice, or as others have suggested, maybe a loan instead. You don't have to fork out the entire deposit for them! And it doesn't have to be now - you could wait until your buy to let mortgages are paid off and you have a better sense of what your income is? YANBU if you don't help out, but I would hope that if you did, it could make a real difference to them.

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