To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

[Mumcouchtotri]

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

"All help stops at 18" - that's absolutely fine, but just remember it cuts both ways.

My thoughts exactly. It's all well and good now they're in their twenties to say 'you're adults now, you're on your own' but do remember you'll need them there for you when you're older and no longer able to care for yourself.

I too would like to know if your parents helped you.

It is up to you but the housing market, as your kids are in the SE, has no doubt changed a lot since you started out. Your kids are likely to be paying over the odds for rent and struggling to raise a deposit. Given you have a £34k pre tax income even before your 'few btls' then personally I'd consider whether selling one when the mortgage is paid off would help them on the housing ladder while not impacting on your income (given you'd no longer have mortgage).

My mum is also recently retired and hasn't helped me or my two siblings with housing but as she is only on the state pension it just isn't an option.

I think it makes financial sense to lend money for a deposit if it's money sitting in the bank earmarked for your 80s 90s +
If you are sixty and lend your kids their deposit on a 20yr term that expires if you die then the money will come back to you for when you need it and work for you and your kids when you don't need it.

In my experience the wealthy families I've known have done a few of these sort of cross-generational business deals. Not out of "responsibility" for the children but out of a kind of family team work.

On another note though, I want to be able to help the dcs start off and can't quite understand a parent that wouldn't want that.

DH and I both come from completely skint families. No property or savings and all our parents are on benefits. We had no help in setting ourselves up with a mortgage etc and it's taken us 10 years to finally be coming to a stage where we're comfortable.

I would love to be able to give the dc the help that we didn't get, with a deposit for a house/travelling/further study. We have a BTL flat with the intention of selling to give both dc a hefty lump sum when they need it.

There's plenty of room to compromise here. For example, a long term loan would be helpful as a deposit.

I don't agree 18 is the cut off, especially if the dc study.

Lilac because if the OP has already held several properties for 20 years (assuming they were all purchased under normal 25 year mortgages), then the original purchase price and outstanding mortgage would be very small compared to their rental value today.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT A CSR IS.

All help stops at 18" - that's absolutely fine, but just remember it cuts both ways

I think this is the best point raised on this thread.

I don't ever want to be a burden to my ds's when dh and I are in our old age. But i'd like to think i'll be able to rely on them to come and change a lightbulb or put stuff in the attic when we're unable (stuff that dh does for my grandmother). I'd be very hurt if they told me all help stopped when they were an adult.

The more I think about it, the more bizarre your situation sounds. If you retired in your fifties then I assume your work pension is heavily reduced and yet you say it's still 34K a year? In that case it must surely have been a very highly paid job so I just don't understand this narrative that you couldn't afford cruises or cars until now.

I'd be interested to see your cals Whirly

My parents had a lot lot less than that and they were able to help me when I was a student, then doing a masters, then buying a house. I also lived with them rent free when I was on a zero hours contract. I really appreciate it. I'd want to help my dc if at all possible. You sound as if you have quite a few assets so it should be possible to enjoy your retirement and help the dc.

My DPs could not afford to help me/us .My DPILS could and did - not massive sums , but very helpful when needed .My MIL also gave each of our two DCs a small allowance for 4 years through Uni.
We have recently given quite big sums to DCs for house purchase. Most of it though is inherited money from DH side (I had the forethought to marry an only child with two maiden aunts and parents who relocated from London 25 years ago !) We (I .DH would give his DCs every last penny) would not have been quite so generous had we not had considerable savings ourselves-we have been very prudent over the years, partly because of an 8 year period of very little money coming in . Plus decent pensions . But we would still have given them what we could .
DC1 rents at an extortionate rate in London Her mortgage will be half the rent . It has enabled DC2 to reduce her hours, as her health is suffering .In our view it's a no- brainer. I want 'better' for my children than I had ( I did buy a house with no financial help before I married but really struggled financially) . And its so much harder to get on the housing ladder now I bought in 1980 with a 98% mortgage nd a 2% insurance policy .No deposit . Though mortgage rate was 18%.
But at the same time I still want to be ble to have a decent holiday every year, work on the house , the odd new item of clothing, meals out occasionally etc . We are not, and never have been, big spenders but I agree with OP, when you have worked hard for what you have it is nice to be able to indulge yourself in retirement . Its a question of balance I guess .Our joint income is about £14,000 more than yours OP and we manage fine and rarely have to draw on savings for treats

I don't really understand why people think you should give your DC the deposit out of 'love and generosity'

My parents didn't give us a house deposit, nor did it cross my mind that they would. In fact I don't know anybody that has been given that amount of help and yet we are all fairly secure in our parents love!

Your financial responsibility to your children ends when they are able to support themselves, and although I'm sure that you would help in financial difficulties, if they really want a deposit for a home (assuming that they're not on the bones of their arse) they can do what plenty of people have done and cut down on socialising etc.

And our first 'family' home was 2 bed. That is plenty of room for two adults and a baby!!!

Up to you, sure
But you brought them into the world

And yes, "all help stops at18" cuts both ways.

If I had been very successful I'd want to help my parents out. (Or children, I don't have any but I save as much as possible for my goddaughter).

You wouldn't, I guess. I'm also a bit mystified by wealthy people who don't want to help out the children they created in the first place, but hey ho.

I don't know if I'd give dd a house deposit but I might match her savings or let her stay at home rent free to save one.

Ultimately though I want it to be her achievement, I don't want to "take it away" from her.

We are stuck renting and in our early 30s. Neither of our parents have been in a position to help us with a deposit up to now although due to some inheritance it is possible that mine will soon. We haven't had the salaries to save for a deposit and pay rent. It is frustrating as I think a mortgage would be about a third less than our rent at present, meaning that as soon as we are on the ladder we could save more.

I don't expect my parents to help us, however it is true that those who have managed to buy so far amongst our friend have mostly had parental help. It is difficult.

My parents have suggested that they may be able to give us a deposit (early inheritance) but my plan if they mention it in a more concrete way is to suggest that they invest it in our home so that they get a return on it. That just seems fairer, after all they worked hard for years and deserve the money they have. Parents are not obligated to help their children but if you could afford to and would like to then perhaps you could do this.

I couldnt imagine not helping my children. The only reason we will be able to help our children out in future is because FIL has helped us (and his other children/grandchildren) immensely. Without his help we would have never owned our own home, and probably wouldn't have been able to afford to retire until we're 80! Let alone help DCs out with houses, uni, etc.
His help was totally unexpected but in his words he would rather we have it now than wait til he's gone.

I would not have been able to get onto the property market without my parents generous help . They've helped me a lot over the years ,& I will do the same for my children . They are now the ones who need help , my mother has dementia & in a care home . They need lots of support & time & practical help . I think that having their support & help over the years has strengthened the bond between us all & I would hope the same goes for my children when I am old & frail . I work in within the elderly setting & there are many lonely old people in either there own homes or care homes whose children have virtually no contact with . I think in life it's all give & take . And if we don't help our children no one else will , and they in turn may not be there to help us .

You are denying yourself of one of the great pleasures of having adult children - being able to help them.

Just that, really.

I think with that income and no mortgage, plus likely more income in a few years time, you will easily be able to helps your children out (even just 5 or 10k will go a long way)

The younger generation have a much harder time that your generation in getting on the housing ladder due to the changes in the financial market.

I am in my early 30s and have been helped out my my husband's parents, we have been able to buy a house that would have been out of our price range. We have just had our first baby and are so happy to have a comfortable house that is big enough for us. Every single time my parents in law come over they make remarks along the lines of 'we are so glad to see you settled and comfortable' and it is clear that it gives them real pleasure. So what I am saying is that your sons are quite young now but in a few years time it might be something really significant for them, so I wouldn't rule it out. You could start putting a couple of thousand away a year for them and see how you get on.

As a baby boomer, I totally disagree that your responsibilities end when your children are 18. I think they end when you die. Times have changed. We are the first generation to be able to control our fertility, and make considered decisions to have children. How can any parent who loves their children fritter money away on inessentials while their children struggle?

How can any parent who loves their children fritter money away on inessentials while their children struggle?

It depends on what you call 'struggle'.

Many of us adult children of baby boomers don't own homes, have huge salaries, rule the world etc. That is life, not necessarily a 'struggle'.

No one, boomer or not, should feel emotionally blackmailed into making the focus of their entire lives saving money for their kids future lives. What a waste that is!

Floisme. I'm no accountant but I've given it a shot. OP states s/he has worked for more than 35 years. I assume that means not more than 40, or it would have been stated as 40.

Assuming 20 as a generous start working age, that puts OP at about age 55 now.

A pension income of 34k pa requires a pension pot of approx 800k, assuming no tax free lump sum is drawn.

To achieve a pension pot of 800k by age 55 would require a 20 year old now to contribute approx 2k per month during their working life.

If OP has never earned as much as 34k before, I don't understand how this level of contribution could have been feasible.

Good lord it's like a different world. I had no idea so many adults had such generous help from their parents.
I was on my own at 18 financially, simply as I moved away to work and my parents had no money to give me. Meant saving to go to college rather than attending university. I'm now finally close to having a degree after studying through the Open University.
A big chunk of my income has gone on supporting my parents and siblings over the last 16 years since I've been earning enough.
My DH's parents are retired and well-off enough to travel long-haul several times a year, and we've never expected a penny from them. They did insist on giving us £1000 when we got married which seemed amazingly generous to me.
I wouldn't dream of thinking that his parents money should be coming our way if we're capable of earning our own.

Its your call, OP. People will give such different opinions, based on their own family values.

Personally, DH and I plan to sell our house when our DC are grown (will be mortgage free by then), downsize to a flat and give them both healthy deposits. That is more important to us than anything else - holidays or a great lifestyle when we are retired

But you have to do what you feel is right.

You might change your mind when you have grandchildren living in cramped unsatisfactory conditions or insecure rentals where they have to move every couple of years. I think it would affect my relationship with my parents if they left me and my children to the hunger games that is the rental market in the SE while making money out of the situation with "a few buy to lets".