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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to do the things I've always wanted to do now I'm retired and not give DC house deposit money

338 replies

Mumcouchtotri · 07/02/2016 08:24

I've worked for over 35 years. I've recently retired and finally I have a reasonable income (34kk - I still have to pay income tax on that and have a few btl that give no income now but should do in 3-5 years when mortgages are paid off) considering I have no mortgage or debt outstanding. I have two DC (23 and 26) who both live in the south east. Iknow theybwould like s house, but I've said I won't be able to help them st all. I think all help ends at 18, now I want to enjoy my life - go on cruises , have a new CSR etc. Just simple stuff like that that I've never done.

It does seem most of their friends are getting help from parents. But surely not all? Your responsibility with a child ends financially once they are an adult working full time?

OP posts:

tatt · 08/02/2016 14:42

I'll repeat we have raised a generation who are spoilt, greedy, wasteful and constantly expecting someone else to provide for them. I don't find it surprising that someone should suggest help ends at 18 if they have one of you as their child.

Renting now is far more regulated and landlords have obligations to their tenants. We lived in rented accommodation when those rights didn't exist. I dont think anyone has claimed that all children lived in slum conditions or in poverty but those who did have no sympathy for people who have to live in a warm and comfortable home and then move to another warm and comfortable home - wow, you have such a hard life! Most of you will have grown up with a far better childhood than your parents had and are not in the least grateful for that. You were also lucky.

1 in 6 pensioners live in poverty, almost the same number live on the edge of poverty. For women about a quarter live in poverty. Some pensioner couples are doing well but those are usually the ones whose children have also been spoilt.

Not everyone votes in their self-interest. I dont and never have. I voted against allowing money laundering investors to push up house prices in London but quite a lot of you voted for this government because you vote for selfishness and greed.

You also choose to live in London or the SE - if you don't like it move, emigrate if you must. My generation didn't whine about our lives, we changed them.

BabyGanoush · 08/02/2016 14:48

Tatt, yes that is modern life: one is owed stuff...

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 14:49

'Serious question. Why is it so important to 'get on the property ladder''

Private letting is awful, particularly when you have a family. Unregulated, very expensive, insecure, having to have your home inspected frequently, short term lets, etc.

Floisme · 08/02/2016 14:52

Stereotyping any generation is stupid. Most of us just do the best we can with whatever cards we've been played.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 08/02/2016 15:38

I'll repeat we have raised a generation who are spoilt, greedy, wasteful and constantly expecting someone else to provide for them.

Yet again, ageism is totally accepted on MN as long as it's not aimed at older people

Sleepingtom · 08/02/2016 15:47

YANBU. Of course you want to enjoy your retirement and that doesn't make you a bad parent. My parents are very supportive but beyond higher education didn't help me out financially. I have never expected them to and would never resent them for not doing. In fact I admire the way they are enjoying their retirement, why not? They deserve it. That said I do agree that the housing situation had changed and is very unaffordable now. But even then I wouldn't be giving them anything extra til they had saved a substantial amount themselves. What if they just fritter it away? speaks as a former fritterer

waitingforsomething · 08/02/2016 15:49

It's your money. Dh and I saved our own deposit by working abroad/ it was the only way.
Dm doesn't have much money spare and she has 4 children but if she did she would have helped us without hesitation.

GingerCuddleMonsterThe2nd · 08/02/2016 16:04

I'm torn on this, we are looking at purchasing our first home, we are very fortunate to have the forces help to buy scheme behind us, I also know family wouldn't gift or loan us a deposit because they physically can't rather than they won't.

Now DP are I are looking at houses that are 40k less than our mortgage promise. Because they are affordable and we don't mind putting some work in to our home.
Friends however are expecting gifted deposits and will only move in to a overpriced new build.

I don't think anyone should expect a gifted or loaned deposit, and I don't think you should feel obliged to give it. However bare in mind long term your children may become your life line in later life so I would be weary of burning bridges.

Can you let them be tenants on your buy to let property under the agreement that once the mortgage is finished the house is theirs?

Headofthehive55 · 08/02/2016 16:05

I used to go to my grans for a bath in the 1970s as we didn't have one. There was frost on the inside if the windows in the winter. I recognise a lot of the poverty in the pictures. I think one was taken near to where I grew up!

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 16:10

'Renting now is far more regulated and landlords have obligations to their tenants. We lived in rented accommodation when those rights didn't exist.'

Ah, the good ol' race to the bottom! 'I had it rough, so you should, too!' Renting in the UK sucks, it's insecure, you are never more than 2-4 months from being told to find another place to live, it costs a fortune due to agent's fees and agents being unregulated.

Hihohoho1 · 08/02/2016 16:10

Oh don't be so ridiculous! tatt you may have raised selfish greedy children but we didn't!

I am 52 and grew up in a very working class council estate. Some people were nice and hardworking others lazy nasty bastards.

Each and every generation has entitled/lazy/hardworking/greedy/
Nice people in them.

Generalisations like yours are stupid.

Zazedonia · 08/02/2016 16:13

Have people not registered that the OP not only has a good pension (£35K per year, £10K per year more than the median full time wage), and no mortgage on her own home, she also owns several buy to let houses, which will soon be mortgage free.
This is not a case of a hard working retired person wanting to enjoy spending their bit of hard earned savings having a nice retirement. This is a case of a very wealthy woman who wants to keep every penny of her wealth for herself.
If she was giving to charity, then fine. But she is simply behaving like Scrooge did - hoarding for the sake of it.

Floisme · 08/02/2016 16:14

I agree with you Hiho.

Jeez this is one depressing thread. If we can't talk about this without parents turning on their children - and vice versa - then the human race is well and truly fucked.

Iggi999 · 08/02/2016 16:24

The OP could easily help out her dcs while still enjoying a good lifestyle on that kind of money. It's not either/or.

Hihohoho1 · 08/02/2016 16:29

Yes sorry op I couldn't possibly live in the style you do knowing my kids were struggling.

Where's your joy coming from?

Our greatest joy is seeing our kids and gc happy and thriving. And if we can help financially or just by being there we will. They wouldn't expect it but it makes us happy.

NadiaWadia · 08/02/2016 16:39

I also think that, whilst the OP can do as she likes of course, she is being rather mean towards her own DCs. Does she not realise how hard it is nowadays for young people to get on the 'housing ladder'? Surely any decent person would want to help their adult children out, IF they can afford to do so, and she certainly can. And I am much closer to her age than to her DCs'.

Headofthehive55 · 08/02/2016 16:44

It is a big of an arms race though. In some ways we have contributed to the rise in house prices. There has been a huge societal shift in women's work patterns. When I graduated in the eighties, nurseries were only just starting to exist, childcare was much harder to come by. (Unless your mum was willing) people would ask if you were returning to work. Nowadays people assume you will be, and women do. That meant household income rose and affordability increased, until economics caught up. Now you need two salaries to afford what one could. I'm not against working women by the way. Giving gifts to children only further increases the threshold for your grandchildren.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 08/02/2016 16:52

Why do people keep making living in the south east out to be a luxurious lifestyle choice? Yes you could buy a house for £100k oop north, but could you earn £100k living there? Not likely! Everything is relative. If you want to be successful you need to invest the high housing costs to get there. You might be able to buy a cheap house up north but still need to fund a deposit and repayments on what is likely to be a much lower salary.

yankeecandle4 · 08/02/2016 16:53

Ah, the good ol' race to the bottom! 'I had it rough, so you should, too!' Renting in the UK sucks, it's insecure, you are never more than 2-4 months from being told to find another place to live, it costs a fortune due to agent's fees and agents being unregulated.

A house isn't yours until you have fully paid the mortgage. Many people have lost their homes after two missed payments. 26 years of wondering if "my" home is mine is enough to put me off.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 08/02/2016 17:18

But yankeecandle, if your mortgage repayments are lower than rental costs you may still be better off at the end of the day even if you did lose the asset. And I imagine most people would sell up before it came to repossession

goldensquirrel · 08/02/2016 17:52

tatt, I don't know how old you are but you're deluded if you think that you are the only generation that has worked hard all their lives? What about your parents that had to live through and often 'fight in' a world war. Was the 'shitshow' they were handed down to their laziness? No, of course not! Attlee's commitment to the Beveridge report agenda was the main reason the Boomers on the whole experienced greater prosperity- nothing at all to do with some uniquely strong work ethic, introduced by an amazing generation of people!

redstrawberry10 · 08/02/2016 17:58

I'll repeat we have raised a generation who are spoilt, greedy, wasteful and constantly expecting someone else to provide for them.

this generation has to stump up 9k in tuition per year at university. Unless you are in finance (yes doctors, you won't be making enough!), you have a snowballs chance in hell at owning in the capital (in previous generations, teachers could by something). They will get pensions paid in peanuts, if they are lucky enough to get anything at all.

I am not in that generation, and I am glad. They are getting screwed.

Floisme · 08/02/2016 18:01

I agree that my parents' generation were the unsung heroes: fighting WW2 and then trying to make the world a better place.

redstrawberry10 · 08/02/2016 18:05

But I think we are taking our eyes off the ball here.

This detour into the actual merits of religion has shown one thing - they are far from universally accepted. In fact, the faith school system outnumbers people who claim faith. It's turned into a giant racket - either people genuinely using the discriminatory (only acceptable in our society in this narrow instance) faith criteria, or providing loopholes for people to game the system.

I am lucky in that I got a good (possibly really good) local community school. People like Jassy are screwed in a way that would be completely unacceptable in any other part of British life.

redstrawberry10 · 08/02/2016 18:06

oops. Wrong thread...

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