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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to quit his job?

182 replies

PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:41

I've got a couple of threads going, right now, but they're on different topics. Just before people point that out!

Twins were born 2 weeks ago and DS1 (9) has got AML and is constantly in and out of hospital - I seriously dislike him being there alone at times, but it's impossible to be there full time with him when I have newborn twins - my family live in Australia it's very small... DH grew up in care, so doesn't have anyone to help support us... We are looking into charities, so that will help. However, I'm finding it impossible to sort DS1 out and the twins and everything else - DH works many hours a day and I need him home - we have savings, but yes, they're savings for the future, but would IBU to use them now? I just can't do it alone, but I don't want to come across... I don't know! But they are mostly his savings and it seems really rude to decide when he decides to use them, when he hasn't mentioned it. Thank you.

OP posts:
BlueMoonRising · 31/01/2016 14:43

I think YABU - what happens when the money runs out he has no job?

Can you consider other options - an unpaid leave of absence, or maybe paying someone to come and help instead?

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2016 14:43

Sod his savings /your savings this is his family and he needs to be pulling our all the stops to help.
This is awful. Do you have friends who can help? Is your ds 1 your dh's? How often is he in hospital and how much longer does he have left of his treatment?

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2016 14:44

Ah I misunderstood? Are you in the UK? Contact home start?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 31/01/2016 14:45

Yes. Completely unreasonable and bonkers. What if he can't get another job?

I understand it's very, very hard. I have 3 under 3. The youngest is 10 weeks and my DH works a minimum of 6 days a week. However, he'll be working 7 days a week until the end of March so I'm kind of left to do everything myself.

What you should do is use some if your savings to get in a mothrt's help and a cleaner. Would your parents come across from Australia to help? Maybe if you paid their fare?

jay55 · 31/01/2016 14:46

Can he ask for flexible working or take parental leave?

Headmelt · 31/01/2016 14:46

I don't think your dh quitting his job will help. Ye may cut through his savings very quickly and then he may struggle to get new work. I suggest you ask your dh for his opinion before making a plan.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:46

Stealth - no, very little friends, as most of my friends have come from pregnancy groups and they are now busy with their twins. Yes, he is DH's son and he has 4 months left of this round of chemo, but he will need more as they are considering a stem cell transplant.

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TeaT1me · 31/01/2016 14:47

Home start is worth contacting.

Also think about paying someone to help at home a few hours each day for a few weeks or a postnatal doula. I'd rather use savings to buy some help than lose source of income!

sooperdooper · 31/01/2016 14:47

Yabu, him being out of work wont help in the long run!

Use the savings to pay for childcare/a nanny?
Ask his work for some extended leave? (Paid or unpaid?)

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:47

Ah, okay, I thought I may have been unfair. Fair enough...

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Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:50

DH is a nurse, so it is possible for him to go on Bank, but there just won't be much time for him to do that, if he is helping out, so he most likely will be able to get a job when we are all ready for that, but I know I can't just expect him to get one, so I understand. Thank you

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theycallmemellojello · 31/01/2016 14:50

Is paternity leave not an option at his workplace? Or a negotiated leave of absence? Is his job secure? Is he likely to be able to get another job pretty easily? It does sound very difficult. I don't think it's U to expect him to use his savings if this is the best thing to do.

DinosaursRoar · 31/01/2016 14:50

Op- nicest possible way at 2 weeks post birth, you probably aren't able to think of anything other than immediate survival.

If your DH could go part time, or pay towards help for you, that would be better long term.

The twins will get easier to manage and take with you to hospital, after 3 months, I'd be more tempted to spend some of those savings on part time nursery places for the twins so you are able to spend more time with dc1.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 31/01/2016 14:51

puffles - this sounds really hard Flowers

One option I forgot to mention in my last post is to contact local colleges, childcare students are often looking for experience/a little bit of cash

OzzieFem · 31/01/2016 14:52

Rather than your husband giving up his job and reducing your savings, perhaps try a part time nanny or nurse? If you have the room perhaps even an au pair?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 31/01/2016 14:53

Also - have you seen the Cook website? You can get nice home cooked meals (frozen) delivered so you hopefully all eat OK with minimum effort. Worth chucking some money at. Plus I do practically all shopping on the Internet and get it delivered

LIZS · 31/01/2016 14:56

Ask your HV if they have suggestions. They may be able to find childcare for your twins so you can attend appointments for example. Home start is also good if it operates in your area , Macmillan and your local children's centre may be able to signpost you. I don't think dh leaving work would be a positive move fir you all in the long run and may well become another source of stress.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:58

DH took a few days off when I came home, due to C-section, but DS1 was still stuck at the hospital alone and I feel horrendous, he needs his mum or dad there :( his shift is very busy, he's in A+E and it is just ridiculous... He says he likes going too (had really bad stress after first birth and needed counselling and everything, so likes to stay away, but this birth went well, so...) I may have to look at childcare. I just feel bad because they need lots of cuddles from their mummy at this age and I did with DS1 :(

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Littlef00t · 31/01/2016 15:03

Could you use the savings for a nanny for the twins?

DrSeussRevived · 31/01/2016 15:04

Use savings to buy help

DH is entitled to parental leave - has he applied for this? You need to book at least a week at a time and it's usually unpaid but again, could help.

Or negotiate a leave of absence/part time to get through at least the next month of chemo while you find your feet with the twins

ipswichwitch · 31/01/2016 15:05

Can he take some unpaid leave - if his job is guaranteed at the end of it? (Can be done if he's NHS).

DrSeussRevived · 31/01/2016 15:06

And it's not rude to talk about using "his" savings for the children; it might be rude to suggest you spent them on a fur coat and tea at the ritz!

Hairyfairy01 · 31/01/2016 15:08

If I was your dh I would be going the the GP and get signed off with stress or something. I don't think you can be expected to cope with it all on your own. Does your dh work 12 hour shifts? Does he help out on his days off?

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 15:08

Yes, he is NHS! Just wondering how long he could get off as leave, he never suggested it before Hmm? Nanny is possible, but I always thought they were just as expensive as his wages might be...

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Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 15:10

Hairyfairy - I wish he would, tbh and on his days off, he tries to get bank shifts (at a different hospital), which does slightly annoy me, as he really doesn't need to! But when it's his day off, he will sit with DS at hospital, but if DS is home, he will help with the twins, while I do something fun with DS, so he is good

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