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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to quit his job?

182 replies

PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:41

I've got a couple of threads going, right now, but they're on different topics. Just before people point that out!

Twins were born 2 weeks ago and DS1 (9) has got AML and is constantly in and out of hospital - I seriously dislike him being there alone at times, but it's impossible to be there full time with him when I have newborn twins - my family live in Australia it's very small... DH grew up in care, so doesn't have anyone to help support us... We are looking into charities, so that will help. However, I'm finding it impossible to sort DS1 out and the twins and everything else - DH works many hours a day and I need him home - we have savings, but yes, they're savings for the future, but would IBU to use them now? I just can't do it alone, but I don't want to come across... I don't know! But they are mostly his savings and it seems really rude to decide when he decides to use them, when he hasn't mentioned it. Thank you.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 31/01/2016 17:00

If parental leave is the short term idea, would asking for flexible working/reduced hours be a helpful compromise in the medium term? They aren't obliged to give flexible working, but decent A&E nurses are in demand, and if they thought it was reduced hours or him quitting...well, even the average NHS manager ought to be able to see which of those is better. Probably.

In a different thread you mentioned that you did think it was partly that he was working as a way to cope. Problems in the parent (depression, anxiety, PTSD...) are pretty common when a child has gone through a really major health issue. Does he need help/counselling etc? Some of the big paeds oncology services have access to that sort of thing for parents, so may be worth asking. (I'd suggest asking your POONS nurse)

The other aspect...forgive me for asking, but hopefully your relationship is holding up under the strain? Because with everything that's happening, it's very easy to totally lose and you and DH together time, and many relationships get strained (though, of course, some become closer than ever). Don't be embarassed to look for relationship help, if you think that's a factor.

I think you're pretty awesome. Fingers crossed for your son's treatment.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2016 17:03

Op does not have a mortgage. Finance not the issue here.
Does dh work in the hospital where ds is being treated?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 31/01/2016 17:06

Savings won't last long and can't be added to if neither of you are working.

He is right to keep working, he has three children and two adults to support.

How did you envisage it working when planning to add to the family? Has that changed?

shinynewusername · 31/01/2016 17:07

"It sounds as if he wants to be at work
You want him to be at home
So perhaps the best solution is somewhere inbetween"

This.

I can totally understand you needing him around more, OP, but you will put your relationship under huge pressure if you force him to give up work, when work is his coping mechanism. He needs to pull his weight at home by taking unpaid leave or reducing his hours. He doesn't need to give up his job completely.

Lightbulbon · 31/01/2016 17:08

If you are mortgage free and dp has a job he can walk back into then it does sound viable to quit work.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2016 17:08

Presumably in two years the situation will have improved and the dh can go back to work. So can the op, assuming she doesn't already work?
Savings are for a rainy day. This is a very rainy day.

QueryQuery · 31/01/2016 17:08

I know you don't have a mortgage, but do you have any critical illness cover? If you do they often have child cover built in which would give an additional financial cushion.

I hope you are able to sort something out. Thinking of you and al the best to your son.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2016 17:09

Work may be the dhs coping mechanism but it sounds like having her dh round is the ops coping mechanism

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 17:12

Our relationship is holding up very good, we talk a lot at around 1 am, when the first feed happens. We were already TTC when we found out DS had cancer and then we stopped TTC, but it had already happened. But if his job is a way of coping, why can't he access support, is it really healthy do have a job that is your way of coping? Yes, he works at the same hospital where DS gets his normal chemo, but not where he has check-ups and more intense stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 17:14

I run a small business from home and have done for a while, it's working out good, but yes, I can go to work once everything is sorted out and I will do, if DH stops working now.

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 31/01/2016 17:19

He'll lose his registration if he doesn't work as a nurse for a year, which wouldn't be great long term. He'll get 6 months full pay if off sick with stress etc. I really don't get why he's doing bank shifts if you don't need the money, sounds like he's trying to escape the reality of your life's. Without being horrible I think he needs to put his family first for a few months. You really can't be expected to deal with this all on your own.

Gattabianca · 31/01/2016 17:35

As others have said taking parental leave makes much more sense than quitting his job. Situations like this are what parental leave exists for.
It may also be a good idea if he contacts the occupational health department at his trust to arrange some support for him to cope with the stress he is under. It will be totally confidential - his manager will not be informed.

Rebecca2014 · 31/01/2016 17:41

If you haven't got a mortgage and got savings then no I don't get why he can't spend 3 months at home with you. He is a nurse and it wouldn't be hard to find a new job...

I think like another Anon said, he is using work as his escape. Which is unfortunate for you but your husband needs to step up.

Ponymagic · 31/01/2016 17:45

I read your thread last night Puffles and my heart goes out to you. Congratulations on your new babies. I have twins so know how full on caring for them is. You've lots of great advice here and I do hope your DH will listen to how he is needed by his family. Your 9 year old is so young, too young to be left in hospital by himself and, it's only my opinion, but it's your DH a who will need to try to make some adjustments to spend inpatient time with him, so he is not alone. Perhaps his employer would consider leave for when your son is having treatment letting DH work between times? You can't be with newborns and in hospital, that's impossible, although I am sure it breaks your heart if your child is alone. I hope you can find an answer.

jacks11 · 31/01/2016 18:11

I am sorry that you're going through a difficult time and I hope your son's treatment goes well.

However, I think YABU. It makes more sense, even taking into account your savings, for your DH to keep his job. I agree with other posters, parental leave, plus unpaid carers/compassionate leave or flexible working/reduced hours would be far more sensible in the long-term.

If he leaves and does nurse bank then he gets none of the leave, or the protections and benefits that being an employee gets. I think it would be very unwise move to leave right now.

I would suggest that you use some of your savings to get help with housework/ cooking etc so that you don't have to worry about these on top of everything else.

Bear in mind if he doesn't work for a long period (think it is more than a year, I could be wrong), there may be implications for registration/going back to work. And it may not be easy for him to just "walk back into a job" if he wants to in the future. I'm afraid it doesn't always work that way after a long period out of the job- even if the reason for the career gap was understandable and he had a good record previously.

Finally I would say this- you clearly would like him to give up work but what does he want? His feelings on this matter are just as important as yours. He may enjoy his work and it may help him to cope. That does not necessarily mean it is unhealthy. I don't think it is fair to demand he give up work. It is reasonable to say "I'm not coping on my own, I need more help. Can we look at you taking leave/reduced hours or more flexible working".

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 31/01/2016 18:11

Firstly - wow! Newborn twins, a very sick older child, a husband working lots and you are still standing. You are amazing. Flowers

Secondly - you are absolutely right about your savings. Savings are "rainy day money" and right now it is fucking pouring down for you! Now is the time to use that money somehow to make life easier.

But like everyone else I'm not sure that your Dh leaving his job is the best thing to do straight away. I'd start with all the leave options. I'd then look at something like a "mother's help" type person - someone who can look after the kids with you meaning that you can take the babies to the hospital. (Assuming it is allowed - I don't know much about AML.)

So alng the lines of you, her and the babies drive to the hospital. Babies asleep in the car so she stays in the car with them (surfing on her phone Grin ) while you go up and see your ds. When babies wake up she brings them up and the two of you feed them whilst chatting to your ds. She then stays and plays pictionary (or whatever) with your son whilst you take the babies off to roll around the day room / get some fresh air / have a coffee and a cuddle. Babies fall asleep so you go back and she takes them for a walk (to the cafe and gets herself a coffee!) etc. It would need to be someone you really liked but I think you could find someone like that.

DrSeussRevived · 31/01/2016 18:25

Can he stop the bank work right now? Even if DS wasn't ill, optional overtime with newborn twins puts too much on you.

DrSeussRevived · 31/01/2016 18:55

He still needs to look into the leave but yhr bank stuff is immediate.

MrsDeVere · 31/01/2016 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OzzieFem · 31/01/2016 19:06

A nanny may be just as expensive as his wages (no idea) but you would not be reducing your savings at the same time.

HappyAsASandboy · 31/01/2016 19:25

I would definitely not ask him to quit his job. It will leave you vulnerable as a family if you or he can't find another job when the savings run out. I am not certain, but I doubt you'd qualify for benefits if he has quit his job.

Use the savings to employ help. Find a good mothers help who is willing to either look after the twins for a few hours or to sit and entertain your older son. A university student or even a sixth former may be able to do it if they're the right person.

Your DH could explore a leave of absence? Or reduced hours? Parental leave could be good if he's Beene it's his employer more than a year - he could talks 4 weeks per year per child, getting you 12 weeks. It's unpaid, so will eat the savings, but at least he'll still have a job.

HappyAsASandboy · 31/01/2016 19:25

I would definitely not ask him to quit his job. It will leave you vulnerable as a family if you or he can't find another job when the savings run out. I am not certain, but I doubt you'd qualify for benefits if he has quit his job.

Use the savings to employ help. Find a good mothers help who is willing to either look after the twins for a few hours or to sit and entertain your older son. A university student or even a sixth former may be able to do it if they're the right person.

Your DH could explore a leave of absence? Or reduced hours? Parental leave could be good if he's Beene it's his employer more than a year - he could talks 4 weeks per year per child, getting you 12 weeks. It's unpaid, so will eat the savings, but at least he'll still have a job.

lougle · 31/01/2016 19:33

Just to clear up the registration rules, a nurse must have 450 hours of practice (equivalent to 60 normal 7.5hr shifts or 38 long 12hr shifts) over the previous 3 years. For a full time nurse that's 12 weeks of work over 3 years. Some nurses live abroad and just come to the UK for a month per year to work so their registration is maintained.

I do agree with others, though, that giving up work is not likely to be the best solution.

m0therofdragons · 31/01/2016 19:38

I had a 3 yo and twins and then had an op which meant I couldn't lift dtds. They had just started crawling and dh couldn't take more leave as he'd used it up when dtds were born and in scbu. I called my hv in tears completely lost as to what to do. They organised 4 weeks of childcare for free (2 half days a week).
Another option would be to contact TAMBA as they're a charity for parents with multiples and may be able to help.
My twins are now 4 but feel free to pm me if you want to speak to another twin mum. I was really worried dtds didn't get the cuddles and attention dd1 got but they are so loving now I must have done something right.

millymae · 31/01/2016 20:55

I'm going to be really blunt here OP, and what I say may not be popular with some but your OH needs to go to see his GP a.s.a.p The N H S has an excellent sickness policy and if your OH has been working long enough to to qualify for sick pay then he should take full advantage.

All this talk of giving up his job is ludicrous at this stage. To do so would affect his pension etc. He has a very poorly son, new born twins and no family support but you - what can be more stressful that having a child with AML, 2 new babies and a job that is extremely stressful in itself. Taking some sick leave in circumstances like this would not be unreasonable or badly thought of.

I am not sure why your OH hasn't already gone down this route, but sometimes loyalty to the job and colleagues whilst very commendable can be misplaced. We work to live, not live for work and in my view nothing is more important than family.