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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to quit his job?

182 replies

PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:41

I've got a couple of threads going, right now, but they're on different topics. Just before people point that out!

Twins were born 2 weeks ago and DS1 (9) has got AML and is constantly in and out of hospital - I seriously dislike him being there alone at times, but it's impossible to be there full time with him when I have newborn twins - my family live in Australia it's very small... DH grew up in care, so doesn't have anyone to help support us... We are looking into charities, so that will help. However, I'm finding it impossible to sort DS1 out and the twins and everything else - DH works many hours a day and I need him home - we have savings, but yes, they're savings for the future, but would IBU to use them now? I just can't do it alone, but I don't want to come across... I don't know! But they are mostly his savings and it seems really rude to decide when he decides to use them, when he hasn't mentioned it. Thank you.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2016 20:58

As you'll see on other threads I tale a dim view of sick leave :) but I totally agree. I don't think he will though which is the problem.

irretating · 31/01/2016 21:04

If DH is a nurse then he should be able to find a job very quickly if he did quit. I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable. In my time on the children's oncology ward (as a parent) I've met numerous other parents who've had to give up work because it's really difficult to hold down a job when you're up at hospital twice a week not to mention the midnight dashes because your DC has a temperature of over 38.5. Some employers are brilliant and couldn't be more supportive, others are absolute shits and don't care.

I am wondering why your DH hasn't gone on the sick instead of leaving you to struggle with new born twins and a seriously ill son. If you son has a stem-cell transplant then he'll be in isolation for a minimum of 6 weeks, you won't be able to take your twins in to the ward at all. Does your DH have a plan for that or is he assuming that you'll manage somehow?

My DH has taken sick leave, I think I'd have gone demented if he hadn't. He also works for the NHS. I thin he can get up to 6 months on full pay.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/01/2016 21:10

My job is my way of coping with life. It keeps me going. It's the stable thing, the thing that I'm usually good at and can predict. In times of crisis, I turn to work as my relief.

It sounds like it may be the same for your DH. In that case, you need to find a way that he is supporting you but also can keep his own coping mechanism, because otherwise, he won't be able to help you cope. You need him around, but presumably you need him strong and functional.

Perhaps ask about leave, and sick pay, and keep him losing his job as the last resort?

lougle · 31/01/2016 23:06

I can see how his job can be his stability. I work in critical care and it's almost like I leave my life (wife, daughter, mother of 3 children, school governor) behind as I step through the doors of work, then when I surface 13.5 hours later, I become all of those things again, so work gets left behind. It's a healthy compartmentalisation process.

However, that's only going to work if you also have the support you need -that's the problem here. He may be getting the support he needs at your expense. There must be a way of balancing it.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 01/02/2016 00:30

I know if we got a nanny, we wouldn't be losing income, but they also would be bonding with a nanny and not their mummy or daddy!

OP posts:
lougle · 01/02/2016 07:39

I'm pretty sure that their bond with the Nanny would be a positive thing, not negative, though. It wouldn't replace you. In fact, if you found the right nanny, you could arrange to take it in turns with her to sit with your son in hospital or look after the twins?

Littletabbyocelot · 01/02/2016 08:21

I struggled enough with just newborn twins and occasional hospital trips for one. In your shoes, I would also have wanted my husband to quit work (or go part time, which would be a viable option). With your financial set up I'd say whatever it takes to get you all through your sons illness and give him as much support as possible.

However, it doesn't sound like your dh can handle this. So I just want to add we had two childcare students help us during my twins first year. We now have two life long family friends. We don't have huge families (frail parents) and they are part of our own family that we are creating for the boys. So the right nanny could be a positive thing for you all.

Norland nannies support tambas helping hands programme and they may be able to suggest someone who's willing to work for a reduced rate.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 01/02/2016 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheSparkles · 01/02/2016 11:35

If your do were to quit work for a couple of years, it would have huge repercussions on his pension in the future

Jibberjabberjooo · 01/02/2016 11:45

As he's NHS there are ways round things but quitting isn't a good idea. You can't just leave the register and expect to pick up again where you've left off. You have to prove you've been working to maintain your registration, especially as that's all changed with revalidation. You can take career breaks and unpaid leave but don't just quit. You're dh needs to talk to his manager and occ health and hr.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 01/02/2016 14:04

Thank you all for the advice, I haven't spoken to him yet, no, DS goes back to hospital tomorrow and it has all been a bit hectic.

I just want to say, our son is incredible sick, I really can't be worrying about if DH will still have a good pension, etc.

OP posts:
shutupandshop · 01/02/2016 16:29

ust want to say, our son is incredible sick, I really can't be worrying about if DH will still have a good pension, etc.

Oh love I really do feel for you. Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 01/02/2016 17:42

Op you sound so stressed. Understandably. Whatever you need todo to get through this, imo

Littletabbyocelot · 01/02/2016 17:49

On a different note, I spent a decade working in NHS management / hr roles. Every trust I ever worked in would have found a way to support you. He just needs to ask.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:07

Absolutely disgusting, totally agree with this lady, 100% he should give up work and stay off, until you have no savings left and then I could understand he would then have to go back to work. Where is the support for this poor mum trying to do everything on her own? I think you are an inspiration to society, to cope with all this on your own, which obviously you are!!! If it was my grandchildren, even if I had to be sedated, I'd get on that plane and be there, my heart goes out to you! Keep up all you're doing. Thank goodness the children have you to rely on.

MrsDeVere · 01/02/2016 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:12

That he is putting work before his ill son, when he has enough money that he doesn't need to.

MrsDeVere · 01/02/2016 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrSeussRevived · 01/02/2016 21:36

Iceyard, looks like you only joined MN tonight.

This family is in a horrible situation. Please think carefully before you make it worse,

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/02/2016 21:37

He's not being "disgusting". He's terrified and is controlling the one thing he can control (family finances). Yes - he needs to do better but he needs help and support to do better - not shaming.

MrsDeVere · 01/02/2016 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:39

Yes I do have experience, I have a very close friend nursing her child with a brain tumour- I see how important it has been to her and her child to have the fathers input, this is this lady's husband and his children and he should support them before anything else, I also have worked in a child's hospital ward and see the difference in recovery of children when they have a family member with them all the time - I'm interested into what experience in you have to judge my opinion?

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:40

I thought on this site you were allowed to have your opinion, this is my opinion. I think here we are forgetting this poor lady is left to deal with it all alone

IoraRua · 01/02/2016 21:43

Yes you are allowed to have your opinion, and others are allowed to pull you up on it.

OP I do feel for you but I don't think giving up his job is the answer. I would definitely look into a nanny/him going on sick leave if at all possible.

Iceyard · 01/02/2016 21:45

I respect your opinion, but that wouldn't be mine.

I totally agree to bring the nanny over from Australia, she needs to see her grandkids, what is she doing to help? That would be a wonderful support for the family.