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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to quit his job?

182 replies

PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 14:41

I've got a couple of threads going, right now, but they're on different topics. Just before people point that out!

Twins were born 2 weeks ago and DS1 (9) has got AML and is constantly in and out of hospital - I seriously dislike him being there alone at times, but it's impossible to be there full time with him when I have newborn twins - my family live in Australia it's very small... DH grew up in care, so doesn't have anyone to help support us... We are looking into charities, so that will help. However, I'm finding it impossible to sort DS1 out and the twins and everything else - DH works many hours a day and I need him home - we have savings, but yes, they're savings for the future, but would IBU to use them now? I just can't do it alone, but I don't want to come across... I don't know! But they are mostly his savings and it seems really rude to decide when he decides to use them, when he hasn't mentioned it. Thank you.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 31/01/2016 16:14

there's enough for 3 kids to go to university, as that was our goal... But I never expected such barriers.

that's only a years salary to some people... its not a huge amount of money really. get a nanny for a year you help you - get her to do the mundane day to day stuff and leave you to do the bits you want do to.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 31/01/2016 16:16

There are few advantages to working in the NHS but this is one of them. There is a parental leave which is completely separate from paternity/maternity leave. It's usually unpaid but is up to 18 WEEKS for each child up to their 18th birthday. Many people don't even know about it.

Considering the circumstances, it would be a pretty brave employer to refuse it.

Your DH needs to have a chat with his employer and ask what options they're willing to give him, involving unions if need be.

Use the savings for a mothers help while waiting and look into the benefits you're entitled to you.

So sorry you're going through this. Every bit of luck to your DS.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:16

I think that's quite a lot of money... It would last us 2 years...

OP posts:
Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:18

At least

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 31/01/2016 16:18

I think if the OP can afford it, then do it. Or at least use that money to buy a nanny. These are extra-ordinary circumstances, and DH has a job that he can easily pick up again (probably more easy for him to leave than to get unpaid leave) or get agency work. A nurse friend of mine had a life limiting illness, for a few years she still wanted to work so left the NHS and then could pick and choose agency work that she was able to do, regular hours etc., ended up being a clinic nurse just mornings at local private hospital.

Just because having both parents at home wouldn't be an option for many on here, doesn't mean it isn't a really good option for the OP. Getting by when you could be getting on doesn't give you the moral high ground, its not character building. Obviously DH has to agree; someone earlier talked about it being his "escape" to go to work (in A+E?!) but what about the OP's means of escape?

TheTigerIsOut · 31/01/2016 16:22

I didn't take it like that at all. I think however that if you are a SAHM and he is a nurse it may be extremely difficult to rebuild that level of savings if you spend the money, that is why it is so important that you keep his salary coming in. (And that goes before considering that he may need his job to cope, emotionally, with the current situation).

I do think that is important to build up a fund to send the children to uni, but that is better to use that money to support your children so they can grow up as individuals and become good students so they can have the option to go.

At this time your oldest child is the one that needs you the most, not the twins. So freeing some of your time by getting help to care for the twins so you can spend time with your 9 year old might be the best thing to do.

DinosaursRoar · 31/01/2016 16:23

A childminder who you trust would be best use of the money to get some help to have the twins so you can go to hospital, can you not take them with you now? At only a couple of weeks they should be pretty portable. A childminder is more likely to fit round your DH's shifts - particuarly if you don't need a full day to go to hospital (so could drop the twins after the childminder is back from the school run, pick up before they go out again, stopping them being over their numbers on days they would otherwise not be able to have any more mindees). I'd think that was a better use of your savings, even if it ends up costing the same as his wage, you aren't losing those years of pension contributions and experience, and he keeps his job for later years.

whois · 31/01/2016 16:24

Upaid leave of absence.
Use savings to pay for nanny to look after twins so you can be with DS in hospital. Doesn't matter if DH wage = nanny for the moment, long term you'll be better off with him keeping his job.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:26

He can always find another job, with NHS jobs, it isn't too difficult, but I get it.

I could bring them to the hospital, but I suppose for the time I would have to be there for it wouldn't be practical + 2 babies crying in a ward full of really ill children just isn't fair.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 31/01/2016 16:27

"It will last us for 2 years"

That is not a huge amount of money, it is not unusual for people to take a year to find a steady job, especially if they want to stay in the same area. You may also need that money for future expenses.

Is there any chance your DH can reduce his hours? (Anything but leaving the job)

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:28

Or more, close to 3 years really... Because of his job position, he can't reduce hours, but he can stop bank

OP posts:
Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:29

We don't have a mortgage either, so we don't have that to pay off, so we do have the money from the house

OP posts:
AlwaysHopeful1 · 31/01/2016 16:30

Op I'm so sorry Thanksit sounds really tough and I hope your little boy is doing well. Congratulations on your newborns as well.
I completely understand why you feel you need your Dh, the situation is overwhelming.
Would it be possible to use some savings for Part time help/ nanny? And can he reduce a day at work? I hope that you find a solution, it sounds so hard.

AndNowItsSeven · 31/01/2016 16:33

Contact Tamba they may pay for a nanny. Will find the details.

AndNowItsSeven · 31/01/2016 16:34

It's called helping hands op
www.tamba.org.uk/helpinghands

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:35

Thanks all, I can pay for a nanny, but I would rather DH here, I think it's important for children to grow up with the family, esp because DH didn't and I know what he went through and I know it's different, but I wouldn't like. If it's our last resort then maybe we'll have to.

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 31/01/2016 16:37

Sorry just noticed you have a lot of savings Tamba would pay for a nanny then but they could still offer help. Have you applied for dla for your ds could you use that to pay for a few hours childcare for the twins, of use savings to pay for a nanny.

MrsDeVere · 31/01/2016 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gobbolino6 · 31/01/2016 16:40

Big unmumsnetty hugs. I found life with my newborn twins very difficult, and I don't have all the other stuff going on you do.

I had very severe PPD, and my DH took a leave of absence from his job for 3 months. It wasn't ideal, but it was OK in the end.

Caring for the twins will get easier. I promise.

Original poster
PufflesMC · 31/01/2016 16:42

MrsDe - he spends a lot of time on the ward still now, but that's locally. He spend 2 months at GOSH when he was first diagnosed and that was before the twins were here, so DH went to work and I was with him full time

Gobbolino - thank you x

OP posts:
AvaLeStrange · 31/01/2016 16:43

Legally, he can take up to 18 weeks per child unpaid leave between the ages of 0-18, and you could use some of the savings to keep you afloat during this time. The suggestion from a PP about asking for a mortgage holiday is a good one and may be finding out if you can get any other financial help re bills etc.

If he applied for this in relation to the twins care for now, it would see you through the next 4 months of your elder son's treatment and he would still have a further 18 weeks entitlement in relation to DS1 if he needs further treatment at a later date.

I think this would be a better option than just jacking in his job entirely at the moment, although I can understand why you might want him to.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how tough it must be, but congratulations on your twins and all the best to your DS1 Flowers.

mayhew · 31/01/2016 16:51

I have worked in the NHS both clinically and managerially. It has some of the best arrangements for supporting staff in family emergencies/ sickness situations.

There will be policies for this and HR are very strict at making managers adhere but if staff don't come forward and ask, the manager won't know what to offer. Occupational health are often useful because their brief involves mental as well as physical health.
Things we have done for staff
: temporarily reduced hours
:fixed days for a period
:change hours pattern eg shorter or longer days, nights/no nights
: paid parental/compassionate leave
:unpaid leave
: career break/sabbatical
: replanning annual leave

I would be very surprised if a person did not take full paternity leave.

Lavri · 31/01/2016 16:52

Hi Puffles, really sorry to read this. I totally understand where you're coming from. DS2 finished his cancer treatment before Christmas. He was 11 months when diagnosed and I really couldn't leave him at all. I was struck by your comment that he may need a transplant. If he does then you really will need some further support. During DS' transplant he was in isolation for 9 weeks and only 3 named adults were allowed to be with him - no siblings allowed in the unit. DH worked during his treatment but needed to spend nights there and took a lot of time off /worked from hospital especially during transplant. We needed a lot of support to mind DS1 and it was very intense. My heart goes out to you.

Looking back I do realise that DH really needed to escape to work occasionally and it helped him cope. But in general he was torn between needing to work and needing to be in hospital. However, if we had enough savings and he was willing I would have jumped at the opportunity to have him there all the time and I think he would have to. Think you're pretty amazing to be managing this and newborn twins...both such intense experiences! There will be plenty of time to build up savings but right now IMHO you need to be together. Wishing you all the best, x

AndNowItsSeven · 31/01/2016 16:55

You can only take four weeks per child per year so 12 weeks.

Lavri · 31/01/2016 16:55

Btw I work in health service too (not UK) and I took 1.5 years carers leave after his diagnosis. Meant my job was kept for me so wasn't worried about finding another one.

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