AIBU to ask DH to quit his job?

[PufflesMC]

I've got a couple of threads going, right now, but they're on different topics. Just before people point that out!

Twins were born 2 weeks ago and DS1 (9) has got AML and is constantly in and out of hospital - I seriously dislike him being there alone at times, but it's impossible to be there full time with him when I have newborn twins - my family live in Australia it's very small... DH grew up in care, so doesn't have anyone to help support us... We are looking into charities, so that will help. However, I'm finding it impossible to sort DS1 out and the twins and everything else - DH works many hours a day and I need him home - we have savings, but yes, they're savings for the future, but would IBU to use them now? I just can't do it alone, but I don't want to come across... I don't know! But they are mostly his savings and it seems really rude to decide when he decides to use them, when he hasn't mentioned it. Thank you.

You poor thing this sounds so awful for you. You must feel like you are being torn in two/three.

I agree with PP that it would be a mistake for DH to actually give up his job, but there is a very good chance he would be accommodated if he asked for paternity or parental leave.

I assume he is a union member? Get them to help him arrange this, they will be experienced and know the procedures.

I don't often give out hugs but you and your DC definitely deserve some. I hope things improve soon.

Imperial - they moved out there and don't work right now, so yes, they could come and I have asked a few times, but not a lot of planning... My mum isn't a keen flyer, so I think that's the issue :(

No, he didn't take all his leave and yes, I'm going to speak to him about doing that :)

God OP. Your DH should take a leave of absence. My DH could take up to a years sabbatical in this situation - I am sure the NHS allow this too.

I can understand why the suggestions of buying in help won't work. Your newborns need you, not a nanny (and you could do with extra help just for the twins) and your very ill boy needs a parent with him at all times while he is undergoing chemo in what must be a scary and stressful time for him.

I can't understand why he would not say 'screw the savings, we'll claim benefits if we need to'. Expecting you to deal with all this while he works extra hours, when it is not necessary, is despicable quite frankly. I assume he is coping by burying his head in the sand - well he needs a kick up the arse and quick. He sounds like my DH unfortunately.

TheTiger - please don't take this like I'm bragging/being rude, because I'm seriously not, but we do have a rather lot of savings.

Tiger I doubt any nursery would take on 2 week olds .

Bear in min The NHS are very generous with sick leave and I imagine you and your husband are under a great deal of stress right now I was entitled to six months full pay sick leave and six months half pay .

Of course I'm going to look at leave first now, so thanks :)

NeedAScarf - there's enough for 3 kids to go to university, as that was our goal... But I never expected such barriers.

Can you temporarily freeze your mortgage and use the money to hire some help? Was you assigned a social worker through the hospital? I'm sorry you're going through this

CLIC sargeant... That charity rings a bell from when I was having treatment as a teenager for Osteosarcoma. I'm sure they look after the families? Have you spoken to them?! X

Yes the newborns need parents but ultimately someone else could take on a lot of the routine changing bathing and even some of the feeding and cuddling. Not to mention walks in the fresh air and handling them getting to sleep.

University is a long way off, even for your eldest. I'd say you need the money now

I'm sure you'd look into ways that your husband could be present more before hiring help in, however there are plenty of newly qualified maternity nurses/nannies who would happily help out for a heavily discounted rate (or even just covering expenses) in order to gain experience of multiples and a glowing reference. If you're in London feel free to pm me.

They may not even want to go to uni

I'm in Essex :(

I have worked with families in similar situations and the parent has been signed off on long term sick leave with stress as it is an incredibly stressful situation to be in. Would DH be able to be signed off for a while?

Forget about using the savings for university down the track, this is one of those situations which can be made a little more manageable by throwing money at it. You'll never regret it when you look back later on.

I'm sorry your parents aren't great travellers; my mother has come over twice purely to help me, once when my daughter was seriously ill, and again a few years later when our youngest started school, my husband had a long commute and I was trying to finish a research degree and not coping. If you can afford to offer to pay for tickets then seriously consider giving them a date (whether that be next week or next month or whatever) and being totally upfront about "we need you here can you come in 2 weeks, I'll transfer you some money for the tickets". Of course I have heard of people whose parents are less help and more work unfortunately, so this may not be your solution.

Hope things are better one your husband takes some leave; I suspect that he should be planning to take leave until your son's current chemo is finished, then work again for a bit, then take leave for the subsequent course. Alternatively, that he should take enough leave to be working only 1 or 2 shifts a week.

Very best wishes for the coming months, and everyone's health and sanity!

Sorry you are in this situation. It must be really hard. It makes no sense for dh to quit his job. First stop find out if he cab get paid or unpaid leave, sabbitical even?

If not you need a nanny or childminder. Your ds needs you more than your dts right now.
Good luck.

I can recommend an excellent nursery in Essex, they are wonderful. They will carry little babies around in slings. Pm if you want details.