AIBU to ask DH to quit his job?

[PufflesMC]

I've got a couple of threads going, right now, but they're on different topics. Just before people point that out!

Twins were born 2 weeks ago and DS1 (9) has got AML and is constantly in and out of hospital - I seriously dislike him being there alone at times, but it's impossible to be there full time with him when I have newborn twins - my family live in Australia it's very small... DH grew up in care, so doesn't have anyone to help support us... We are looking into charities, so that will help. However, I'm finding it impossible to sort DS1 out and the twins and everything else - DH works many hours a day and I need him home - we have savings, but yes, they're savings for the future, but would IBU to use them now? I just can't do it alone, but I don't want to come across... I don't know! But they are mostly his savings and it seems really rude to decide when he decides to use them, when he hasn't mentioned it. Thank you.

I think unpaid parental leave sounds like the best option in the sort term. How stressful for you all!

Do you have a social worker? We were given one automatically when DD had ALL. They must be able to find you some support: they have home help volunteers. We had someone that the social worker organised.

There will be someone, somewhere who will help you without your DH having to give up work.

Sending you love as it sounds really, really tough. My DS was 2 when she was sick, and that was hard enough.

The NHS are generally a supportive employer in circumstances like yours. Your DH should be entitled to 4 weeks paid parental leave per child to be taken between birth and age 14.
Most nurses I know have used it when their children are older but given your circumstances maybe he could use some of it now. Carers leave is another possible option although this is usually unpaid.
He needs to speak to his manager imo, do they know what's going on in his home life? A temporary reduction in hours may also be possible.
Hope you manage to get some help, it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate

I would absolutely be looking into paid parental leave/compassionate leave for him too.

I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel. He certainly shouldn't be doing bank work at a time like this. You need his support or your just not going to cope, nobody would. Have you got a good Hv you can chat to? I hope he sees sense soon. Do you think it's a case of he would rather be in work with his head stuck in the sand rather than face the reality of your situation.

I agree with others that it would be very risky for Dh to give up his job. Much more sensible to spend some money on childcare. Childminder would be cheaper than nanny and they often accept short or irregular hours.

This sounds like a tough situation and there's no quick solution.

Congratulations on your twins btw!

It would be a mad idea for him to leave his job. Pay for somebody to come in and clean and help you in the house. I agree with getting an appropriate charity involved.

Yes parental and paternity leave for 6 months surely and then the twins could go into nursery for three days a week??

YANBU in as much you cannot be in two places at once.
However, he is entitled to various forms of leave, that he hasn't taken up. It will be more expensive to buy help in, rather than have him do it.

I know you mentioned charity support, but I thought I'd just mention these:

www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertypes/Childrenscancers/Typesofchildrenscancers/Acutemyeloidleukaemia.aspx#DynamicJumpMenuManager_6_Anchor_13

Children's Cancer and Leukaemia Group (CCLG)
CCLG coordinates research and care for children and their parents. There are 21 CCLG specialist centres for the treatment of childhood cancer and leukaemia, covering all areas of the UK and Ireland (there's a map of the centres on the website). The website also has information about the CCLG, childhood cancer and leukaemia.

CLIC Sargent
CLIC Sargent offers practical support to children and young people with cancer or leukaemia, and to their families.

Leukaemia CARE
Leukaemia CARE is a national charity that provides care and support to patients, their families and carers, through the diagnosis and treatment of leukaemia or an allied blood disorder.

www.christianlewistrust.org/

I only had one child by CS. DH took off over 3 weeks, and I was still terrified when he went back to work.
How you are managing with twins, and a child with leukaemia is beyond me.
Do ask for help, from your neighbours, parents of friends of your older child, etc.

I hope you didn't mind me asking that, it was just the comment about his savings that made me think you maybe hadn't been a family for long.

as others have pointed out use the money to buy in help instead of DH giving up his job, that wouldn't make any sense in your situation.

Thank you :) yes, but I really would hate for my twins, at 6 months, to go into nursery for 3 days a week... I'm going to try and avoid that, but I'll be talking to DH about all this leave, thank you

Yes neighbours!! I'm not a babysitting type bit in this situation of happily take your twins for a day every so often

One reason why he would be mad to change to bank work is that he would probably lose his right to paid parental leave, sick leave compassionate leave etc and effectively be self-employed.

He has the right to ask for flexible working and many - though admittedly not all - hospital trusts can be very supportive in circumstances like yours.

I don't think him quitting his job makes no sense, maybe it's just me, but I think it makes a lot of sense...

Puffles, just because he hasn't suggested something doesn't mean he's thought of it and rejected it. The twins are very new and no doubt you are both stretched and not thinking straight x

He should also get two weeks paternity. I second getting someone to come and look after the twins at least a couple of times in the week for a few hours whilst you go in to hospital - it will get easier as you get a better routine with the twins

OK, I think there's more going on here than just the seriousness illness of ds1 and the birth of twins and the pressures that puts a family under. I think the OP has/is/will be brilliant by the way and take my hat off to her. I also take my hat off to her dh because so many people who come out of the care system don't end up with functional lives, loving wives, savings, homes and good jobs. Well Done.

However, I suspect DH has big bits missing in his psyche that the rest of us learn and take for granted and needs external support/counselling to deal with this awful situation because he never had the domestic framework to teach him about responses/reactions to this stuff.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to give up work because it might well be his psychological lifeline at the best of times. However, I do think that he could for the next month negotiate an adjusted working pattern possibly with a "fit note" that suggests adjusted hours due to non work related stress. He needs to be completely up front with his line management and HR. After that, it might be possible to take a period of parental leave possibly unpaid but without an impact on his continuity of service (bear in mind if NHS is privatised by stealth there might be all sorts of tupe type arrangements going on over the next five years and service might count).

Once you are over the next four to six weeks and DH is back at work, then I think you should use some of the savings towards child care to get you all through this very bad patch.

I hope too you get support from charities, etc.. With love and blessings.

PS: I think Louis and Elliot work well

Thanks a lot Beau :)

If it were me i would be talking to him about a mixture of buying in help in probably in some sort of housekeeper/mothers help/cleaner/delivered meals form and him taking some time off work as opposed to leaving completely.

A nanny might cost more than his salary long term but short term, dipping into savings or getting some part time support might help.

Does DS1 need company or specifically parental support? Ignore if incompatible with infection regimes etc but could there be a few friends from school or cubs or whatever to arrange to visit him sometimes?

I didn't realise from your other thread that he's a nurse. It does sound as though he's working to shut out what's happening in the family. It's so hard on you and so unfair. Even if your little boy was healthy and in school it would be hard for you having new born twins. Having a little boy in hospital and so poorly must be driving you demented.

Do your mum and dad work in Australia? If they've retired, could they come to help you? You must feel absolutely torn in half.

Did your husband take his full paternity leave? Could he speak to HR about what's happening at home and ask for their advice?

can he go off sick with stress? would he get sick pay where you live? i think it would be reasonable given the circumstances.

If he is NHS is it possible he could ask for a career break ?the NHS were not great with me when I requested flexible working hours due to caring for my disabled son but different trusts might be more understanding ? Plus I was a RMN so mental health is under a great deal of upheaval at the moment anyway I did end up resigning but it's obviously not ideal.

No, it doesn't make sense at all. He quits and the whole family struggle financially, do you want to get to the point where you have the time but not enough money to afford food or visit the hospital? It is totally bonkers, honest.

He can ask for unpaid parental leave, I doubt he will have problems getting some time off given the situation.

I think however, that given the circumstances you think it is a better idea for your husband to stop working than for the twins to spend a few hours a week in nursery. Risking the family's financial stability makes no sense, in the short or the long term.