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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 14/12/2015 14:50

So if you don't have your mum will she be on her own?

bonzo77 · 14/12/2015 14:50

Can't your dm come with to your in-laws? Surely they'd understand. Will she be in her own otherwise? It's rather late notice.

FairyFluffbum · 14/12/2015 14:51

Sounds like my family. We went to my dads mum every year when we were growing up. One year we went to my mums mum and my God was there an up roar. My dads mum really sulked and constantly burst in to tears coming up to Christmas as she felt we were punishing her. She still had my aunt, her daughter, going there for dinner and we was going to be there for tea but it wasn't good enough. It was awful.

Good luck telling your mum though and I hope it goes better

ghnocci · 14/12/2015 14:52

It's a bit late now, less than a fortnight to go and not much opportunity to make other plans. That's pretty crap on your DM.

Pheobe1 · 14/12/2015 14:53

Dsis and I take turns hosting Christmas, we always invite each other's in laws. I couldn't leave anyone alone at Christmas.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/12/2015 14:53

Can't she come to the in-laws with you?

Its Christmas. Sad In my family, in-laws would always invite people from the other side, if they'd otherwise be alone.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/12/2015 14:54

Blimey, it's very short notice to be telling her she's no longer welcome Shock

I'd imagine most people have finalised their Christmas plans and ordered turkeys etc so she might struggle to find someone else to go along to Sad

Can't you ask the ILs if your mum can come too? If they say no then I really think that you'll have to have her visit this year and then make plans in plenty of time next year for you to go to ILs instead.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/12/2015 14:54

Oops. cross post gnocci

Original poster
Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:56

Yes, my Mum will be on her own.

DM would be welcome at DH's family, but I know (without even asking) that she wouldn't want to come and I understand and respect why. I know it's late notice, really wanted the extra hours at work if they were going as need money - we haven't actually invited DM as it's just something we all assume will happen. DH's family knows why we haven't given them a decision and are relaxed about it.

If it's going to cause a problem, DH will accept we have DM, but don't feel that's fair on him.

OP posts:
IrianofWay · 14/12/2015 14:56

Agree with the whatthefreak

iPaid · 14/12/2015 14:58

Of course, it will be fair on your DH - he won't be alone on Xmas Day. You can't dump your DM - I'm sure your ILs will understand.

FourFlapjacksPlease · 14/12/2015 14:58

I don't think anyone should be alone on christmas day! We've just invited 2 people we knew were going to be on their own. I deffo couldn't enjoy the day if I thought my mum was sitting on her own while I was surrounded by people.

I don't think you should do this unless you give plenty of notice for her to make other plans.

Does she want to come round mine? Grin

KinkyAfro · 14/12/2015 14:58

I couldn't enjoy Christmas knowing my mum was on her own. Could you host everyone?

Zame · 14/12/2015 14:58

I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving my mum on her own on Christmas Day.
That feeling would far outweigh the feeling that it's not fair on your husband.
Invite both sets of in laws to. You could ask them to bring a dish each?

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 14/12/2015 14:59

Rather than let my own DM be on her own, I would have preferred if I'd gone to her and DH had gone to his parents.

It's very late notice unless you know for sure she can make other plans.

RNBrie · 14/12/2015 14:59

Tell her she can come to us - no one should be abandoned 10 days before Christmas without good reason. Pretty surprised anyone would do this to their mum unless their mum had done something unforgivable....

KoalaDownUnder · 14/12/2015 15:00

I think you probably should have told her earlier that you were waiting to find out about your work hours, then.

I do think you've left it s bit late to spring it on her this year.

Are her reasons for not wanting to go to your in-laws valid, or petty?

Enjolrass · 14/12/2015 15:02

It's really late notice.

I couldn't do it. It does seem unfair to always spend it with your mum. But leaving her alone is unfair too.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2015 15:02

Ok, why is the reason that she does not want to go to inlaws? Does she not get on with them. It is short notice for her, really horrid if she was looking forward to company on Christmas day, do it this year, but tell her next year, you will be going to inlaws. REally op, you should have thought about this before, not at the last minute.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 15:04

I think YABU at this late stage tbh. Is there a way of seeing both sets of GPs on the same day maybe? If not, I think it's really too late now to tell your mum she can't spend Xmas with you.

Original poster
Madmog · 14/12/2015 15:06

My Mum does know we were invited and that we hadn't made a decision until we knew what hours I'd be working over Xmas (confirmed yesterday). We have no other family nearby and her best friend is away, so there was never a chance of her making plans to see anyone else.

It's just we've spent every xmas with her and not with DH's family. DH's Mum will be there, she's mentally deteriorating and I'm aware it might be the last one he can celebrate a proper xmas with her. I'm actually trying to be fair to my DH has he will accept if we have to see my DM even though he doesn't relish it (she can be difficult).

There's no way she'll go to DH's family, that's not an option, I know she'd choose to be on her own in that event.

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/12/2015 15:10

So you admit yourself your mother has no one else, and are still considering it?! Hmm

I'm sorry to hear MIL is ill, but there is nothing stopping your DH going to his parents, and you going to your mums.

You could join him later in the afternoon/evening.

theredjellybean · 14/12/2015 15:11

If your mum hs option of coming with you and you and Dh having families with them on the day and SHE chooses not to , i would say that is her look out !

Really selfish of her to refuse to go and say she would opt to be on her own knowing you must be so torn, especially as it seems you have always put her first before Dh family.

I think she could accept a day with his family....its one day after all !

MaxPepsi · 14/12/2015 15:13

Sorry, but if your mum is welcome to go to IL's and she chooses not to, that is her lookout.

Go and spend what is potentially your last meaningful Xmas with your MIL.

My own FIL is mentally deteriorating and I'd bend over backwards to accommodate my DH at the expense of my own family for one year!

MrsJayy · 14/12/2015 15:13

That sounds difficult could you have the Ils to you as well as ypur mum or have mum for dinner then go see them when mil was alive she wouldnt have gone to my mums either even though she was invited we used to alternate if but go to mils late morning and then go straight to mums for dinner

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