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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 15/12/2015 00:58

Why not just 'do' Christmas Day on Boxing Day instead?
We had Christmas Day (i.e. the rituals and the full -on meal)on Boxing Day last year and will have it on Christmas Eve this year. DD2 is a midwife and is working .
Surely once your DCs get 'attached' you get used to having Christmas with them on alternate years anyway?

Postchildrenpregranny · 15/12/2015 01:06

And lots of older people are alone quite a lot of the time (not accusing you OP). So why is such a fuss made about Christmas ?
We used to have an elderly neighbour (join us)for Christmas lunch. She was good company and it was no big deal .But I sometimes wondered why I never invited her for 'normal' Sunday lunch (though she often came for coffee/drinks) An Old Person is for Life ....(I hate the John Lewis ad on this account)
I think if I were in the OP's DM's situation (and I am older though not a widow)I would be quite happy to spend Christmas Day alone and just enjoy a family 'do' on Boxing Day . (but havent read ft)

iamanintrovert · 15/12/2015 01:26

You should go to your in-laws

Bellyrub1980 · 15/12/2015 01:58

Options:

  1. Christmas morning and lunch with your mum. Then... Christmas afternoon and tea with your inlaws. Your mum can eat when it suits her, and she could even come with you to the inlaws and politely decline the later meal.

  2. Be completely honest with your mum about your dilemma. Tell her you want to please everybody but don't know how to do it. She may come up with the perfect solution.

  3. Don't tell her. Just let her come to yours as usual, and then say 'right! lets get in the car' and drive to your in laws so she doesn't have the choice or time to over think it. (terrible idea, but may work well for some personality types)

  4. You (or maybe one of your children?) stay with your mum while the rest go and spend some/most/all of the day with the in laws.

  5. Skype throughout the entire Christmas Day

  6. Spend Christmas with both sides of the family but in a neutral location, like a restaurant. Prices and last minute. Thinking way out of the box here.

In our family we take turns hosting the event but luckily my parents get on well with all the inlaws and would never let anyone spend it alone. It kind of sound like your mum isn't really a 'the more the merrier - invite people in off the street' type of person so maybe she wouldn't be all that bothered anyway. But I could never ever ever let my mum (or any friend/family) spend Christmas Day alone. If anything happened to her before the next Christmas I would never forgive myself.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/12/2015 07:00

I wonder if OP ever made that call yesterday.

shinynewusername · 15/12/2015 07:26

Lots of posters seem to care only about the OP's mum. What about her poor DP who has never had the chance to spend Christmas with his own family and who may be about to miss out on a last proper Christmas with his mum? If the situations were reversed, and it was a MNetter who had never been able to spend Christmas with her family because of a MIL who lived alone, the responses would be very different.

You should absolutely go to your ILs, OP. But offer your DM the chance to come with you, even though you know she'll refuse. As a PP said, making the choice to be alone on Xmas is very different from having no option.

Also, would there be any chance of just going to your ILs for the day and having your DM to stay with you? That way she has breakfast with you on Xmas Day, sees your DD open her stocking and isn't alone on Xmas night.

tobysmum77 · 15/12/2015 07:33

I don't know there is a lot of melodrama on this thread. See her boxing day presumably she'd have been on her own that day otherwise. Christmas isn't just one day.

People are so possessive over Christmas, I'm just grateful that my in laws and parents aren't. I was listening to a couple of people at work last week 'all the children and their partners always come to us' and I was like Shock cripes I thought you were normal but obviously I was wrong.

While my children are small I won't take to other people's houses on Christmas day anyway. We aren't spending 3 hours in the car driving them to in laws so for fairness we don't go to my parents either. In laws welcome to come to us or we go on Boxing day.

Iwonderwhy123 · 15/12/2015 07:49

I know some people may not agree but I think if you've given your DM the option to go to in laws with you and she chooses to stay home alone then you shouldn't feel bad.
My DM made me feel incredibly guilty the first time I chose to not travel 400 miles to be there on Christmas Day as I had a tiny baby. We invited her to come to in laws but she wouldn't.
I think people need to recognise that it's only fair to do alternate Christmas.
Do you have any siblings, aunts, cousins she might go to instead?

CheesyWeez · 15/12/2015 08:03

Bellyrub 5) Skype throughout the entire Christmas Day Grin made me larf.

I think OP had an idea she wanted to make a change this year (the title says "To tell DM we can't have her, wish me luck")

Some good ideas on here. Have her to stay over on Xmas eve, and leave her in front of telly at yours Xmas afternoon if she won't come to DH's parents.

Or tell her everything and see what she suggests.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2015 08:29

I don't and never have seen the big deal about fucking Christmas. It's one day. I haven't lived at home since 1989 and have spent many Xmases on my own, at work, or doing something besides having a roast dinner with family. I survived.

YANBU.

Habari · 15/12/2015 08:53

I see what people mean about going to your in-laws but for me, if I'd done the same thing every year and got ditched two weeks before Christmas it would hurt. It wouldn't be about being by myself it would be the lack of notice. I'm by myself this year, through choice as I didn't fancy what the rest of my family are doing - but we discussed it quite some time ago.

I don't agree she should be grateful to be invited to the inlaws either - you are doing something you know she wouldn't like so it's a bit of an odd alternative "Hey Mum, do you fancy a)doing something you will hate or b)being alone on Christmas Day? OK Merry Christmas then - you'd best get food shopping hadn't you!"

It's all in the timing for me and I think it's a little cruel by this point.

OneMoreCasualty · 15/12/2015 08:57

You'd still think it was cruel if it was explained to you that the other grandmother was ill and that the visit with you would happen Boxing Day instead or you were welcome at the ILs?

That sounds pretty unreasonable TBH

expatinscotland · 15/12/2015 08:58

There's plenty of time to make other plans in two weeks?

Really do not understand all the big deal about Christmas.

It's one day.

Savagebeauty · 15/12/2015 09:48

I agree expat
The angst it generates on here.

tiggytape · 15/12/2015 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 10:20

Why do people keep banging on about how it's too late and everyone's ordered their food by now. Confused

I'm doing dinner for 10 people and haven't ordered a thing yet. I never do. Every year, I walk up to my local M&S at about 3pm and get a turkey crown and a ham on Christmas Eve. If I end up with a few people more, or less, on the day, even if they change their mind at the last minute, it's really no big deal. My plans aren't that rigid.

I just don't get it.

OneMoreCasualty · 15/12/2015 10:22

There is no perfect solution though, Tiggy.

  • DM comes and brings own food for medication ,
  • DM stays at home,
  • DM sees only OP for Xmas, or
  • DH and DD (and OP) miss out on possibly his DM's last lucid Xmas because they don't go to ILs.

It's not like OP is proposing a last minute switch to drink champagne in a hot tub - she's balancing conflicting pulls on her family. Ideally it might have been sorted sooner but they have been dealing with ill health and uncertainty about work.

Nobody's perfect but one of you above must be selected. To me, the least bad is giving DM the choice of the first two.

OneMoreCasualty · 15/12/2015 10:22

One of THE above, I mean!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 15/12/2015 10:34

DrGoogle your lucky, my M&S would have very little left! When I picked my order up last year the place looked like it had been ransacked!

Shutthatdoor · 15/12/2015 10:37

No chance of doing that here Google. There would be nothing left.

itsmine · 15/12/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 11:05

It's not too late at all, yet, for most people to accommodate, or not, an extra person, it just depends on how much of a martyr you want to be about it.

I was in Morrisons yesterday and there were stacks and stacks of turkey crowns, lamb and beef joints, etc. It's not like the shops are empty from now until Christmas Day.

It's not to late for the mum to go out and buy herself some nice food if she chooses to spend the day alone.

I feel really sorry for the DH in all of this.

According to some people on here he should never get to spend a Christmas day together with his wife, children and his own parents (unless his MIL dies first, then it'll be ok Hmm).

Original poster
Madmog · 15/12/2015 11:07

No, I didn't make the call. Asked DH if he really wanted to go to his family and he realized how I was feeling. The guilt of leaving her on her own outweighed the guilt of letting DH's family down and him enjoying being with his mum whose mental health is deteriorating. DH is so stressed and tired, I don't think he can cope with any hassle so will go with the flow. Older DC is disappointed not to be going to family though.

DH phoned his family and explained the position, all is fine there. Then phoned my Mum, told her we'd be at home for xmas and she was more than welcome as usual, to which she responded she might like to be on her own for a change, but will think about it and let me know in a day or two. She thinks we need time to ourselves after recent events, but tried to reassure her we'd be more relaxed at home and would be good for all of us to spend time with her.

Will have time to discuss with DH tomorrow night, but if DM doesn't come and we don't see DH's family, that's fine. We've had one whole day together since August. Only problem is we have to fit in five families on DH's side as well as my Mum over Xmas between me working.

Thanks for all your replies and trying to offer support.

OP posts:
itsmine · 15/12/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anotherusername1 · 15/12/2015 11:19

There's plenty of time to make other plans in two weeks?

I agree. I am meant to be going to my mum's for Christmas. But if that changed, and I ended up hosting it would not be an issue at all. Why on earth would it?

As for the OP's mum - she has an invitation to go to the in-laws. She can either go, or she can not go - if she doesn't want to be alone, she has an option, it's up to her whether to take it or not. I once took my dad to my in-laws at Christmas. I was very grateful to my MIL for including him and I think he quite enjoyed it.