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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 16:16

DM doesn't like or hate them, but has always said they're DH's family not hers and she finds it very hard to eat later (which they'll be doing) as it make certains symptons worse which are controlled by medication, food is normally luke warm by the time it's served there etc. She can be argumentative so better that just happens with us than his family too. going to DH's family are petty but I personally understand them.

Oh so sorry OP, just noticed you wrote this! Hmmmmm this sounds like the kind of stuff my late mum would have enjoyed saying about ILs but not really meant them "oh they do that at Xmas? I could never do that". If that's all it is I still would act like you think she is coming along as if it's the natural thing to do. If she still says definitely not then that's her call I guess.

If it's a case that you're secretly relieved she doesn't want to come as you are worried about her being argumentative and showing you up that's different. She may have picked up on that and will not come to spare you the awkwardness and stress. I've got relatives who can be a little feisty and I can imagine this happening in our family. I just invite them everywhere anyway. I'm not responsible for their dinner conversation. So long as they don't say anything really bad at least.

mmmuffins · 14/12/2015 16:19

YANBU. You shouldn't have to continually spend Christmas solely with your mother because she doesn't want to go anywhere else.

You have other family you want to spend it with, and if your mother does not want to join in that is up to her.

potoftea · 14/12/2015 16:22

I feel very sorry for your in-laws, who seemingly will only get to spend Christmas with you if they outlive your mother.
It seems to me that she has a choice of being alone or with you at your in-laws, so you should accept their invite.

Headofthehive55 · 14/12/2015 16:23

to be fair I think it's the in laws turn.
Have Christmas Day another day with your mum.
We have several Christmas days. Not possible to ever have us all in one place!
Sometimes people work, it's a movable feast here.

Likeaninjanow · 14/12/2015 16:23

We have both sets of parents to ours at Christmas. Easiest all round - no one left on their own, and they're all at home in our house. My parents wouldn't be comfortable at in laws & vice versa.

Is there a reason that's not possible in your circumstances?

itsmine · 14/12/2015 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 14/12/2015 16:28

I don't think it'll be the end of the world for your mum to spend one Christmas alone, if she chooses not to go to inlaws thats up to her

OneSteakBake · 14/12/2015 16:31

"There's no way she'll go to DH's family, that's not an option, I know she'd choose to be on her own in that event."

At least give her the option to choose. It is much easier to be alone at Christmas if you choose not to join other people, than if you were not invited at all.

Just tell her. It wouldn't be fair on her to be on her own, it is not as if she would be a nuisance at your ILs, is it?

Jesabel · 14/12/2015 16:34

You absolutely can't just dump her 10 days before Christmas.

However, if you invite her to come to the inlaws and she chooses not to, that's up to her.

If she has a medical issue that means she needs to eat earlier couldn't she/you take some food for her?

ouryve · 14/12/2015 16:37

Under these circumstances, it is fair on your DH to allow him what could be a last meaningful Christmas with his own mother. Even if your own mum wouldn't want to stay for dinner, do you think she would be up to visiting for elevenses, if it's not too long a round trip? Or pop round o hers for a cuppa, with a plate of mince pies (or whatever) before carrying on to your ILs? Obviously I don't know what the travelling distances involved are.

DixieNormas · 14/12/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lennonj · 14/12/2015 16:40

I think you should go to your in laws, agree with the poster who said you'll never get to go there unless they outlive your mum. I think we should remember it is just one day and if you don't live near both of your families it is often impossible to see everyone on this day. Your daughter wants to go to in laws too? Why should your mums wishes over ride everyone else's?
We often feel torn at Christmas over where to go, I don't enjoy it anymore as it doesn't seem to be about what we'd like to do or what our children want to do- more about pleasing aging parents, who probably aren't that bothered anyway!

itsmine · 14/12/2015 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/12/2015 16:41

My DMiL is on her own, it means that every Christmas we tiptoe around her and my BiL and his family trying to make sure that she has a lovely day.
This year we are going to my parents (very rare wider family reunion this Christmas Day)... DMiL made it very clear that she would not be coming to my parents house. My parents have always tried to make her feel welcome (they've known her for nearly 30 years) and TBH I feel this is a real snub to my family. Once she made that decision, I lost all interest in trying to smooth her Christmas and left it up to DH and BiL to decide what to do with her.

InternalMonologue · 14/12/2015 16:44

I'd give your mum the option to come to your inlaws. If she refuses, that's her issue. Otherwise, the OP and her DH - who already get hardly any time together - still don't get time together as a family on bloody Christmas because he's would (rightfully) spend a Christmas with his own DM before she deteriorates with their DD, while OP is stuck at home with her DM who's being stubborn.

It's all well and good to say that the OP could host, but we don't know how many people are going to the ILs - it sounds like there could be other family going. Are they meant to drop everything too?

No one has expectations, the OP has said that everyone knows that she doesn't find out what she's working until this close to Christmas, her mum knows they're invited to the ILs, the ILs will also know the score. Your mum will also have plenty of chance to see you all over the surrounding days.

metellaestinatrio · 14/12/2015 16:50

OP I sympathise as I have a widowed FIL who is similar...my (nice, normal, no back story) parents would happily have him over at Christmas and have invited him on several occasions, but although he lives fairly close by he never wants to come (for what seem to me to be very minor reasons), which means that DH and I have always spent Christmas separately, each with our own parent(s). That will have to change in future as we are now expecting our first baby, but I suspect the solution will be that we end up hosting everyone.

In your situation I agree with PP that given MIL's health issues the fairest thing would be to spend Christmas with the ILs, but to make it very clear to your DM that she has been invited, is very welcome, they are looking forward to seeing her etc. and to try to come up with some solutions to her concerns in advance e.g. ensuring she has some food (snack/canapés/mince pies and coffee etc.) at the time she needs so that she feels as comfortable as possible. If your DM still prefers not to come along, she has not been abandoned; she has chosen to be alone.

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/12/2015 16:51

Gosh, my dd is 14, I'm a lone parent with no other family to spend the fday with, and am already accepting of the fact that she'll make plans away from me at some point.
In fact this year, other than the day itself I have said she can come and go as she pleases with her friends, or they can come here and I'll cater around her/them.

RictusGrimace · 14/12/2015 16:52

Op what do you want to do?

StoptheRavelry · 14/12/2015 16:53

How do you think she would feel about being on her own, and seeing you on Boxing Day?

I ask because she might actually not mind - you haven't really indicated how she would feel (sorry if I have missed that bit!)

I don't like Christmas being so busy and would prefer to be on my own - I tend to feel more lonely in the company of my family if I'm honest.

Obviously I like having my children here, as usual, but if I didn't have them, and someone kind invited me to theirs 'because I'd be on my own' I'd have no hesitation in declining politely.

It really depends on what sort of person she is.

Funinthesun15 · 14/12/2015 16:54

I'm hosting Christmas and I haven't done anything yet to prepare! You've just sent me into a panic thinking I should be doing something but surely all food is perfectly purchasable a few days before?

Of course you have. We haven't started on the food bit yet either.

RictusGrimace · 14/12/2015 16:55

Rereading the thread your dmum isn't helping herself. She's had you every year but if she won't spend one year with inlaw s then I think she's being difficult.
You, your dh and dh s family all matter too. Do what you think is going to make you happy.

RictusGrimace · 14/12/2015 16:58

I had to spend one Xmas alone. I volunteered at a crisis centre, then popped to see an elderly neighbour who was mostly alone.
Then I met friends at the pub, followed by a film.
Was great. Barring the ones with the dc was by far my best Xmas.
The point is people have to help themselves to have a happy Christmas.

blindsider · 14/12/2015 16:59

Why can't the DM got to DH's DP's?? Unless there are reasons other than, doesn't want to if you have been with her every Christmas it sounds like it is your DH's turn to be with his parents.

pilates · 14/12/2015 17:00

Op, as others have said could you host for your mum and in-laws?

Sandbrook · 14/12/2015 17:03

I would agree with others, your DH comes first this year as he never has before.
Very nice of ILs to invite your mother & her choice not to go.
I would be with my husband on what may be their last Christmas together.

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