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Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
Stimpack · 14/12/2015 17:08

To be fair I think it is your DH's turn to see his parents at Christmas, if your mum doesn't want to join you it's not your problem.

florentina1 · 14/12/2015 17:09

I am at a loss to understand why an adult cannot be on their own on Christmas Day. I think it is totally selfish to assume that you can go to the same person ever year without a thought for other people.

I have relatives who spend the day alone, it is logistically impossible to provide company for ever family member.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2015 17:12

"Maybe we should have thought about it before, but have been trying to cope with supporting my DH through a rough time, not overloading him and trying to work more. We're really like passing ships in the night at mo and I'm trying to juggle everything."
All the more reason your DH should be the priority this year. You need some time together, and with DH's family. Your mum has been invited, if she doesn't come, that is her choice.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 14/12/2015 17:19

As both my parents and Dh's parents live relatively close by we have always divided our Christmas day between the two.

Christmas dinner at one house, present opening, then over to the other house, buffet food (they had their Christmas dinner whilst we were having ours) presents.

It means we see both families on Christmas day. We have done this for years.

Would this be possible for you? Divide your day?

scarlets · 14/12/2015 17:26

DH should be the priority this year. It's a sad time for him. Tell your mum that she's very welcome to join you all and that you'll do your best to accommodate her needs (although if she's likely to get feisty, as you imply, your unwell PiL could probably do without her presence tbh). As a pp said, most decent people would be mortified at the idea of their son-in-law missing his mum or dad's likely final Christmas on their account. I would! You can always visit on Boxing Day.

Witchend · 14/12/2015 17:30

Just from a child's point of view in this situation, only it was df's dm who was alone.

It actually effected our relationship wth her. We resented that we had to be with her every year, in a tiny house we were squashed into for a week and got most of our presents when we got home, so had to wait for them.
Felt like Christmas was all about her, and what she wanted. She was very set in her ways.

Whereas the other grandparents had all fm's siblings and our cousins and we could have done it easily in a day.

You also may need to consider if it's fil's last Christmas then mil might be on her own some years so you will need to give them equal consideration.

I think from our side, even if we'd done 3 at dgm to one at the other side we wouldn't have found it so hard.

Dipankrispaneven · 14/12/2015 17:36

Can you not host the whole thing at yours, or if that's not possible book a restaurant for everyone?

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 17:42

I wish someone would suggest that OP hosts everyone at her house. I can't believe that hasn't happened yet.

diddl · 14/12/2015 17:48

Even if OP hosted her mother might not want to be with OPs ILs all day!

So yourdaughter would like a change as well this year?

seven201 · 14/12/2015 17:52

I'm in the minority here but I think you should go to your in-laws. She knew it was a possibility. It's 'fair' to see his family this year as he usually doesn't spend xmas with them. His mum is ill. Your mum been offered to go too and I think you should re-iterate that she can go and then she shouldn't be annoyed. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face.

My husband and I spend xmas with our own families but we don't have children yet. We've got one on the way though so I am dreading the whole where to go for xmas next year planning.

XiCi · 14/12/2015 17:53

Could you do both? Spend morning / early afternoon with your mum and late afternoon / evening with your PIL?

There is no way I would even consider leaving my mum alone on Xmas day, and pretty awful to tell her with less than 2 weeks to go

Kaytee1987 · 14/12/2015 17:54

Surely your in laws could squeeze one more person in? I'm having two more on Christmas day than I can comfortably fit at dining table but we will make do so no one is left alone.

diddl · 14/12/2015 17:57

Is anyone reading the thread??

OP has said that her mum would be welcome at her ILs.

Kaytee1987 · 14/12/2015 18:00

Sorry for some reason my phone was only showing one page until I refreshed Hmm
As others have suggested make sure she knows she's invited, try to host everyone at yours or if possible maybe split the day down the middle to see both?

Snoopadoop · 14/12/2015 18:00

Is anyone reading the thread??

Exactly what I was thinking!!!

AndNowItsSeven · 14/12/2015 18:01

Yes diddl but the op hadn't invited her mum to her in laws.

FluffyNinja · 14/12/2015 18:02

Honestly, just go to the in-laws for Christmas day. It's only one day and you've hosted your mum for years. It sounds like your DH would appreciate visiting them for a change.
Your mum has the option of coming too and if she's not keen, fine, she can stay at home and you can see her a different day.
It wouldn't bother me being on my own on Christmas Day occasionally. You'd get to do what you want, eat what you like and do sweet FA without anyone interfering. Sounds blissful to me!

diddl · 14/12/2015 18:07

No OP hasn't invited her mum, but posters were putting "can't she just come to the ILs?" as if that wasn't a possibility when OP has already said that it is.

I do agree with a previous poster that if an adult chooses to spend Christmas Day alone then so be it.

CFSsucks · 14/12/2015 18:09

YANBU. Your mum can't have it her way every year, she is welcome to join you at ILs but chooses not to that's that is her issue. Carry on with what you want to do (ultimately it's what you, your DH and your DD want) so she will ha e to accept it's Going Day this year. It's only a day later ffs.

Clobbered · 14/12/2015 18:09

There's nothing particularly special about Christmas or birthdays round here. The point is to get together and spend some quality time, and that can happen on any day. Emotional blackmail and foot-stamping are unacceptable from adults, even elderly ones. Your Mum is the one who is being unreasonable here. Go to your PILs for Christmas Day and tell your mother to get over herself and come along.

CFSsucks · 14/12/2015 18:10

boxing day not going day ffs.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 14/12/2015 18:22

I'm trying to put myself in your mum's position of either spending the day by myself or going to spend it in the company of people I'd just. rather not be around. And I would rather be by myself!

You're in a tricky position I don't envy you x

ravenAK · 14/12/2015 18:50

Can't you just put it to her as your dilemma, with which you could really do with her support?

'Mum, you know ILs have invited us? Well, obviously we'd feel crap about mucking you about - but...' .

You can certainly make it clear that you are only considering it as you think it's the decent thing to do, because poor old MIL, & not at all because you don't want Xmas with your own mum.

Suggest slap up Boxing Day with your mum instead, & leave it totally up to her whether she'd rather come with to ILs or have a peaceful day.

If it were me I'd cheerfully wave you off, polish my 'understanding mum' brownie points & kick back in front of the telly, tbh.

TigerLily666 · 14/12/2015 18:51

I maybe see things a little differently. I think you and your husband need to decide what is right for your family this year and stick with that decision. It is not horrible or selfish to put yourself first for once. We have juggled Xmas for years trying to please everyone and actually pleasing no one (least of all our little family). And for those who think it is late to be deciding - you are very lucky - some of us only find out late in the day if we can be off work.

cheesetoastiesrule · 14/12/2015 18:53

Of course you should go to your ILs. I don't understand pp saying you are being selfish?! Your DM is being unvbelievably selfish if she can't see that you might want to sometimes spend christmas with your ILs, especially if your MILs health is poor. Why should she get to dictate christmas jut because she would rather not go to ILs, is she an adult or a toddler?!?

As for pp saying they couldn't leave DM alone...SHE will be the one deciding to be alone if she turns down an offer of going to the ILs.