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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 14/12/2015 15:37

Love the calls of ",host Xmas" ten days before the event.

Well the OP is agreeing to go to I just days before.........

Lightbulbon · 14/12/2015 15:37

My mil has been to my dms for Xmas. It never crossed my mind that there was anything odd about that.

She should go to theirs and they should accommodate any medical requirements she has.

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2015 15:38

I have children in their late twenties/early thirties, they happen not to have families, but I wouldn't expect them to spend every Christmas with me - I wouldn't mind being on my own for that one day either. It's only one day, presumably you can see her on Christmas Eve and Boxing day and you can phone her on the day.

Imagine eating what and when you want and watching what you want on TV? Bliss!!

yamayamayama · 14/12/2015 15:39

Why can't you enjoy the day with your mum then go to join your DH and his family on Boxing Day? I couldn't leave one of my parents alone on Christmas day. Sorry to say, but you never know when it'll be their last one Sad

LovelyBranches · 14/12/2015 15:44

Funinthesun
I'm hosting Christmas and I haven't done anything yet to prepare! You've just sent me into a panic thinking I should be doing something but surely all food is perfectly purchasable a few days before?

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/12/2015 15:46

Yes but on the other hand it can get ridiculous yamayamayama. FIL and step-MIL always spend Christmas with her parents because 'it may be their last' and have done so for the past 20 years. The net result is that FIL has never seen his GC on Christmas day, because they're all just that bit too far away and step-MIL's parents take priority. Of course, with every passing year the likelihood that it will indeed be their last one increases and so the situation gets further entrenched.

Surely it would be better to firmly insist that everyone has their turn and to be able to look back on a series of happy Christmases on both sides of the family?

Leviticus · 14/12/2015 15:46

Agree with everyone here.

I couldn't do it. Your ILs aren't alone and will be fine seeing you Boxing Day. Your mum will not be fine (probably) sitting alone on Christmas Day.

Or send your mum round here and we'll have her.

LaurieLemons · 14/12/2015 15:48

I agree with maxpepsi, if you are welcoming her to spend the day with all of you then she's choosing to be on her own. I would hate to be on my own for Christmas but everyone is different. I would try and entertain the idea that she's more than welcome and you would love for her to come, even if you're pretty sure she'll refuse you never know.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2015 15:52

I think under the circumstances that your DH's mother is in very poor health and deteriorating it would be OK to go there this year and explain everything to your Mum. I see she is welcome to go to your inlaws so she is choosing to be on her own. So it would be theright thing to go there this year.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 14/12/2015 15:54

I think it depends why your mum won't go to inlaws. Is it just a clash of personalities or is there more history? Unless there's been a massive falling out, I think it would be a bit unreasonable of her not to join you there. But obviously I don't know her reasons, and appreciate you not wanting to share them.

I am spending Christmas on my own by choice this year, but I still think it would be harsh to leave her on her own. But then you're not really, as she's welcome to join you at inlaws! So it comes back to why she won't, and whether you agree with her reasoning or not.

shutupandshop · 14/12/2015 15:57

Invite your mum to pil if thats ok with them. Its up to her then.

AndNowItsSeven · 14/12/2015 15:58

I am really shocked and saddened when I read threads like this . I wish they would troll threads but sadly not. Leaving your mum alone at Christmas unless she has been abusive is a really selfish thing to do.
Your dh can see his mum there is nothing to stop him. Like pp has me mentioned our family have invited others that would be alone at Christmas that weren't even family. Not because I am a lovely person but because it can be a very lonely time of year.

reni2 · 14/12/2015 15:59

Agree with pps, I couldn't do it with not even two weeks' notice and knowing she'll be alone whilst the IL will not. You say DD wants to go to the IL for more company, is she aware your DM will be alone?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2015 15:59

If your mum is welcome with the inlaws then invite her along, if she choses not to then that's up to her. I'd come back to see her on Boxing Day (so shift Christmas Day along one) or do Christmas with her on Christmas Eve.

Your mum's an adult and able to chose what to do. Christmas Day is just that, one day of the whole year. I think it's unfair on your DH and his family to never see you at Christmas.

yorkshapudding · 14/12/2015 16:01

Are both sets of parents fairly local to you? If so then could you not spend the day with your IL's and then have your Mum over in the evening or vice versa? I think there's a big difference between DM spending part of Christmas day by herself (she may appreciate a few hours peace and quiet) and literally not seeing another soul all day.

Sameshitdiffname · 14/12/2015 16:01

She can come here, I hate the thought of anyone being alone especially over Christmas!

titchy · 14/12/2015 16:02

Either have them all to you - not sure what the cries of 'but it's only 10 days notice to host' - I mean you haven't bought your Christmas food now surely?

Or if everyone's close enough do your mum, then your in laws in the afternoon.

Or make it clear you'd love your mum to go to in laws, and up to her i she declines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2015 16:05

But she can't come if their schedule will affect her health. That's not her being difficult, that's important. So it's really not a choice. Unless the ILs will be flexible with the food.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2015 16:07

I'd also say that I think that those people most lonely at Christmas are those who have no family, who face a considerable amount of time alone and/or who face every Christmas alone, not just the day itself but the whole holiday season. It seems like that isn't the case for your mum and she can enjoy seeing you around the holiday, and come to your ILs if she wishes.

If she needs to eat earlier at the ILs can you help sort out a snack for her to take her meds with? She might feel awkward doing it but you could take the lead. I know my ILs would have no problem with me heating up some soup or making a sandwich for my mum to take meds with.

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2015 16:08

I think it is too late to change plans now. I'd feel like I'd been dumped for a better offer. Not nice.

LeaLeander · 14/12/2015 16:08

Can you not host?

I do think if your mother is given the option of joining the larger party and refuses for what sound like picky reasons then she is opting to sit at home alone. For example, if she has to eat at a certain time, can you not explain that to DH's family and arrange for some substantial appetizers or what have you to be out at that time? She doesn't need a full-on meal to take medication. If she can't partake of much of the later meal then at least she has the festivity and companionship. If keeping to her own routine is more important to her than deviating from it on one day of the year, then so be it. You tried.

I will say that due to family circumstances and geographic locations I have spent more than one Christmas Day alone (I'm not elderly) and in preference to hauling out and sitting at the home of relatives who do things far differently than I am accustomed to. Jeans, sweatshirts and Budweiser do not for me a Christmas make; I'd rather have velvet and champagne and classical music at home before the fire than do that again. So it's not a tragedy if she is home watching a holiday film or whatever - as long as she was given some sort of choice in the matter.

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 16:09

how far away is your DM from PILs? Could she come for part of the day if she doesnt like the way they do things? Could you pop in to see her then go to theirs?

If she's welcome to come along and doesn't want to, and knows that you going to them was a very real possibilty, then I think sadly this year you might have to bite the bullet and tell her you are going to PIL. She might surprise you and agree to come along.

For next year, I'd suggest you host everyone to avoid this.

Atenco · 14/12/2015 16:11

I have children in their late twenties/early thirties, they happen not to have families, but I wouldn't expect them to spend every Christmas with me- I wouldn't mind being on my own for that one day either

I wouldn't mind either, but I would feel hurt by a last minute cancellation. My dd's grandparents did that to me one year. I had assumed that it would be rude of me to make plans elsewhere, then it turned out that because of my ex's latest gf, they couldn't invite me. Fine but it was very last minute

maybebabybee · 14/12/2015 16:11

Sorry but unless there is some massive backstory here I think it would be very mean to leave your DM on her own on christmas day with such short notice.

I have told DP I will be going to my mum's for christmas until the day I die Grin

eddiemairswife · 14/12/2015 16:13

She might really, really be looking forward to Christmas Day on her own for a change! Everyone seems to assume that nobody should ever be alone for Christmas.