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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 14/12/2015 19:07

I've only read page one (interested to read what reasons there could be that you're being unreasonable!) but I think you are doing the right thing. Come off it, she is rejecting an invite so that she can keep you all to herself! I find it hard to feel sorry for her, we have never had anyone with us for Christmases, births or any celebrations neither have the children had cards on their birthdays from anyone but us. We would jump at the chance to be involved in someone else's fun at Christmas, so if she is too selfish to share you then i say leave her to it. I'm sure she will have learned her lesson by next year

Shutthatdoor · 14/12/2015 19:20

Your Mum is the one who is being unreasonable here.

Errrrr how. She doesn't even know yet!

RoseWithoutAThorn · 14/12/2015 19:29

I'm sure she will have learned her lesson by next year

Yes OP, leave your mum on her own on Christmas Day, that'll learn her Confused I think you've left it a bit late to tell your mum tbh and I also think that's a very unfair thing to do to her. Personally, I couldn't enjoy Christmas Day knowing either of our parents were alone.

MySordidCakeSecret · 14/12/2015 19:33

oh no Sad don't leave her alone on christmas.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 14/12/2015 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 14/12/2015 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M48294Y · 14/12/2015 19:47

As someone whose Mum has been single for 42 years, I have every sympathy with you Op! I have spent perhaps 8 Christmas days not in my Mum's company and I am 53.

I also feel sorry for my dh and my inlaws that our Christmasses are not more evenly split (we live in the middle of inlaws 100 miles in one direction, my Mum 70 miles in the opposite direction) and it is my absolute promise to my children that if I am widowed or alone when they are adults, I will spend some of my Christmasses with friends, on holiday, in a hotel, or bloody well on my own if it gives them a break from being obliged to have me every single year!

riverboat1 · 14/12/2015 20:05

Sorry, but if your mum is welcome to go to IL's and she chooses not to, that is her lookout.

Ultimately, I agree with this.

DP and I are both only children, and though they are not that similar and don't even speak the same language, our parents spend every other Xmas or so together and it's fine.

I was speaking to my mum recently, she pointed out she had never spent an Xmas with her own family (parents/sisters) in 35 years because she always had to go to or host my dad's mum, who was a widow with no other family. I had never thought about it before, but it did seem very unfair when I really considered it!

lurkerspeaks · 14/12/2015 20:08

I've spent several christmas's on my own.

It isn't that bad. Latterly I've actually been on my own through choice - as I'd rather be on my own than tag along to another families weird (to me) celebrations.

So in a way she is choosing this too as you say she would be invited to your ILs.

Greydog · 14/12/2015 20:24

My Mum always insisted we went to hers on Christmas. She wouldn't ever come to my house, and reluctantly went to my brothers for lunch a couple of times. But it all had to be done her way. If it wasn't done her way it wasn't good enough. I've nothing but sympathy with you OP. She sounds as selfish as my mother was. It ruined Christmas for everyone.

OneMoreCasualty · 14/12/2015 20:28

It sounds like there are more than just the two PILs on DP's side as OP is talking about DD having more company etc.

I would explain the illness situation to your mum and host her Boxing Day instead - maybe a second turkey or your fave luxury alternative (venison? Beef?) - if she doesn't want to come to ILs.

If i had Xmas day alone, I'd eat salmon mousse, drink prosecco and watch films. Sounds bloody lovely!

ScreamingNotWaving · 14/12/2015 20:52

It's difficult, we're in a similar position with my DM. I asked my brother very gently if he could host her next Christmas so we could go to my friends' wedding in Australia and he laughed and said that's the price we pay for having a babysitter on hand (they don't have DC and we ask for babysitting a couple of times a year). I couldn't leave her on her own but I've being doing Christmas for everyone (including my DB) since I was 21. Xmas Angry

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 14/12/2015 20:52

It's lousy being alone when the rest of the world is having group get togethers. I feel bad enough for our children so I don't want to think about old people entirely isolated at Christmas. I don't think your mum falls into this category though as she is going to turn down an invitation. I think your mum just has a preference of having you to herself because she knows you will give her that option.

RufusTheReindeer · 14/12/2015 21:04

Even hosting yourself sometimes doesnt change matters

It wouldnt occur to my ILs to ivite my dad to their house over christmas

ILs wouldnt come here if i host

So we take it in turns, not sure what will happen next year when it is ILs 'turn'

Nottodaythankyouorever · 14/12/2015 21:05

She sounds as selfish as my mother was.

How can the OPs mum be selfish. She hasn't even been told a thing yet.

revealall · 14/12/2015 21:09

It's only a day. It'll be fine. As others had said it can be quite relaxing.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 21:35

She hasn't even been told a thing yet.

^^this.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 21:39

Quote fail. Blush

How can the OPs mum be selfish. She hasn't even been told a thing yet.

I mean ^^this.

Spilose · 14/12/2015 21:41

I think if our mum is also welcome to your Inlaws and she chooses not to get then that is her problem. I'd go to your Inlaws.

diddl · 14/12/2015 21:54

I think if you can see her Boxing Day then surely that's OK?

Brioche201 · 14/12/2015 22:17

You should still invite her to the pils even if you think she will say no.does she have good reason for not wanting to go there?

CandlesAreBurning · 14/12/2015 22:25

OP, if your mum knew you going to the in-laws was on the cards then its fair enough to go.
Your DH needs to feel his family will be valued as well. You can offer for her to go with you, and if she says no, then its her choice.
Don't feel bad about her being on her own. Your daughter will also appreciate seeing other family members and having fun, not feeling she's stuck with the same Christmas no-one is quite enjoying

Morecheesegrommet · 14/12/2015 22:56

You are not leaving her on her own. She is choosing to be on her own by declining the invite to the ILs.
Sounds like you need to be at the ILs this year - so go and stop worrying about your mum. She is an adult who has chosen not to to go with you.

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 15/12/2015 00:26

Can't you invite them all to yours?

BooOzMoo · 15/12/2015 00:32

I couldn't leave DM alone!
My DM died last year!!!!! Every second counts... Especially the AMAZING days !!!!