To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

[Madmog]

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

Please don't leave her on her own!

DM doesn't celebrate Christmas and since dad died I always invite her to inlaws if thats where we are going. She doesn't really know them and does it more for my conscience.

If a woman posted on here about how she never gets to spend Christmas with her family including her mother with because they host her husband's widowed mum every single year this thread would have been entirely different. I feel sorry for the DH and the kids, who wanted to spend the holiday differently.

It sounds as though the OPs Mum is handing her a get out clause, but it's the OP that is insisting on nothing changing.

Why it's acceptable for the OP not to consider her worn out DH and her DD before her Mother, who "will get back to her in a couple of days", I don't know.

It may be the DHs last Christmas with his Mum (and also the DDs with her Nan), that should take priority.

I see you have made your decision.

Now, this is different, but similar. My DS married last year and both us an DiLs parents live fairly close to them. I did not want to put them in a position of trying to make that decision, so we had two Christmas days in our house last year

We had the most amazing Christmas celebration with all children and partners on Christmas Eve - the full works, then hosted our parents on Christmas day.

DiL and son went to her parents on Christmas Day - everyone happy.

This year, they are having Christmas at home, just the three of them........my most beautiful granddaughter was born yesterday.

But, to get back to the point, it is just a date, the celebrations can be early or late, just have two!

Sorry OP - you have got this one sooooo wrong.
You are doing what you want, not what the rest of your family wants. Your DH has agreed to your plan because he sounds to low to stand up to you.
You should accept his family comes first this year and go to theirs.
Your are not being at all fair here.

Good grief, all these 'I can't leave DM alone' threads. I sincerely hope my DD never feels guilt tripped into inviting me just so I'm not on my own. Academic at the moment as I have a DH, but if I didn't I would happily spend the day on my own, in fact I'd relish the peace and quiet and the chance to spoil myself rotten and do exactly as I pleased.

Do all these well-meaning daughters ever ask their mothers what they'd like to do on Christmas Day? Perhaps they'd like the opportunity to volunteer at Crisis at Christmas, or just sit around in their pj's eating chocolate and drinking champagne, with no-one judging them.

I wouldn't leave my mum alone. She would hate it.

I know my mum well enough to know that.

But it sounds like the OPs mum would actually like to be alone.

OP why do you have to fit 5 of dhs family in?

Surely you can discuss this with your mother. Explain about MIL and that this may be the last chance for him to spend the day with her then let her make up her mind.

How far away do you all live? My parents are in Lancashire and my brother in Cornwall so Xmas has to be at one place but if you are closer you can do breakfast and presents at one and lunch or dinner at the other?

OP, your mum has given you permission to go. Your DH needs to spend this Christmas with his mum, you will regret not spending it with her if next year she doesn't know who is who, you don't want to build resentment either. Your DD wants this too. You are choosing to keep it the same.

Agree if you had posted as your husband everyone would be saying spend it with your family, you don't want to miss out on a possible last family gathering, and your MIL has had you every year and will cope.

Trust me, your DD will remember feeling "stuck" and missing out on family time with her other grandma.

Your husband is going to be quite royally fucked off if your mum doesn't come to you after all of this.

She is grown woman with the option to spend the day with your family and your DH's family. It doesn't sound like she will have to drive anywhere or stay in a hotel or do anything other than make herself presentable, watch her mouth for the day and be delivered back home to her own bed.

It is her choice if she wants to spend the day by herself and either she actually fancies the idea of it, or is now being a martyr about the whole thing. No-one is forcing her to be by herself for the day.

I honestly think you should call her up and tell her you have reconsidered and will be going to DH's family, and this year you need to put both him and his mum first. Then tell her what the logistics will be so she knows what the plan is and can decide accordingly.

The eating late is awkward though. Bit tricky to request it is brought forward a little.

So your husband doesn't want to see his family?

What about what your daughter would like?

What about if his parents would like to see you both & their GC?

I hope that if yourmother says she would like to be alone that you take her at her word.

I really feel for your husband, he is putting your needs first. It's a shame you can't do the same for him. You seem to care more about your own perceived sense of guilt if you leave your mother alone. I imagine she copes the other 364 days of the year.

How will your husband cope with the guilt if this is the last year his mother can have a functional involvement with her family? Oh wait - you weighed it all up and it would be fine! For your sake I hope you are right otherwise it is going to create strain in your marriage and resentment.

Agree with the last few PPs. Your DM is giving you permission to go to your ILs, you should take the opportunity.

Yes, you love your mum but your DH loves his mum too. It is unkind to deprive DH and his DM of a last proper Christmas together and he may resent you for it in the future.

Your DH has given in to you because he is too exhausted to deal with the conflict
Your DCs are disappointed.
Your DM isn't that bothered about spending Christmas with you anyway.

Just remind me why you are insisting on your current course of action?

Wow the Op got a gazillion "don't leave your mum alone" posts (which I don;t agree with really) and now she is basically ruining Christmas for everyone!¬

Your DH needs to spend this one with his family, at their house. You can see your mum early or late. Its only one day.

Maybe DH and OP actually quite fancy the day to themselves and DC? If the OP's mum is fine with not coming and DH is too tired and stressed to really mind, which I completely understand, then maybe they could all use the break rather than a big Xmas with extended family. I'm not the nuclear-family-only-at-Xmas type, but maybe this year is different.

Obviously check what DH actually wants but it wouldn't surprise me if he genuinely doesn't mind at all if he's tired out and stressed out. Spending one last Xmas with his DM may mean less to him than people are assuming on here - I don't mean that she means less, just that the fact it's Xmas may mean less to him when he's potentially going to lose his DM. Maybe he would prefer to spend time with her on a day which doesn't end up as manic and a bit fraught as Xmas can, especially when there are other pressures on the family. Emotions are heightened and it can get a bit much. I speak from experience.

I wouldn't be 'fitting in' 5 families before Xmas either tbh OP if it's at all avoidable. It sounds like you are all having a tough time.

Thanks again to all of you who're being supportive. DH is being great (don't think he's got the energy to battle anything out) and I felt I was stuck in the middle of both sides. Either way, I've let someone down. We've just had so much going on over the last few months and not focussed on Xmas, hardly seeing eachother with DH working away and me trying to work more hours which are available for a short time, reduction in disposable income and counting every penny, DH has his own problems and BIL has been in and out of hospital six times over last six weeks (whose on his own) and it was DH who kept visiting, taking things in and collecting him. DC is having operation on 29 Dec. I've done all the xmas shopping and not being able to use the car so much for main shops so having to carry what I can back on foot.

Anyway, looks like things are sorted. DM just phoned, she's coming xmas day. Spoke to MIL and provided everything is okay with DC, she's coming New Years Eve and staying over (I'm working part of New Years Day, but at least I can do lunch and tea for her. DH is part of a large family, so will need to see everyone else at some point but we all tend to arrange it last minute, ie are you free tomorrow? Will suggest to DH we spend some decent time with the family who invited us in the New Year when things are quieter.

and - well done for finally getting that all sorted. Christmas negotiations would test the skills of the UN.