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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM we can't have her xmas day - wish me luck

193 replies

Madmog · 14/12/2015 14:49

I'm sat here putting off phoning my mum. She's on her own and has spent every Xmas Day but one with us since we got together.

DH's family have invited us, he said no immediately as can't leave my DM on her own, but I half feel we should go as he's always been with my Mum every xmas day, not his. DD wants to go as she'll have more company.

DH said to phone and see what reaction I get. My Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision as didn't know if I'd have to work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day - if I did then we'd certainly have stayed at home. As I'm around Boxing Day, we can know go to DH's family and have DM Boxing Day, but I've got to tell her!!

OP posts:
chanelfreak · 14/12/2015 15:13

Sorry OP, but i think YABU purely given the fact that Christmas is less than two weeks away. I would have your DM over this year, instead of leaving her on her own and maybe next year try to have your ILs and your DM over at yours so that your DH can spend Christmas with his DPs as well.

whatsoever · 14/12/2015 15:14

If she's invited to your DH's parents but chooses not to come, that would be her decision, not yours to leave her alone. (Unless there is a reason she CANT go to theirs like she's terrified of dogs and they have 6 Rottweilers?)

whatsoever · 14/12/2015 15:16

Having said that, it is very close to Christmas to be changing plans now. I am heavily pregnant and grumpy and knew I a) didn't want to go anywhere for Christmas and b) didn't want to host, so we let both sets of parents know this in early November to avoid any misunderstandings.

heavens2betsy · 14/12/2015 15:16

Why don't you invite your Mum and the inlaws to your house and then you get to see everyone?
Or if MIL is really not up to it then can your DH pop round for a few hours after dinner or for tea or something.
Or spend Boxing Day with MIL
Lots of options - but leaving your DM alone on Christmas day shouldn't be one of them.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 15:16

You said earlier that you respect your mum's reasons for not wanting to spend Xmas with ILs but you haven't said what the reasons are... Can you explain? That might help.

If the reason is something petty I suspect you wouldn't 'respect' it, but if it is, then I would phone your mum to invite her to ILs rather than to tell her she's uninvited to yours iyswim.

That, or see both sets separately on the same day OR host them both.

Drew64 · 14/12/2015 15:18

When this sort of instance occurs my inlaws always make a point of personally inviting my Dad.
I don't know the reasons for your Mum not wanting to go but it seems a bit off if she is going to be on her own.

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/12/2015 15:18

How is your mum usually with this sort of issue, op?

As I see it, your options are:

a) You and DH and DD go to his mum's

b) DH goes to his mum's, you and DD host your mum

c) DH goes to his mum's with DD, you host your mum alone

d) You all stay home and host your mum.

If I were your mum I'd be horrified that my son-in-law would miss a potential last Christmas with his mother because of me. I'd also feel terrible that his mother had never had a Christmas with our mutual grandchild, tbh. And I'd feel guilty for keeping my child from having Christmas with her husband and daughter.

Basically if I were your mum I'd be doing the honorable thing and saying I didn't mind having a quiet day on Xmas but would appreciate company on Boxing Day. Is it at all likely that she might accept that as a back-up option?

Asteria36 · 14/12/2015 15:19

Either host everyone yourself at your house or give her the choice of coming with you ( if your IL's are ok with that). If she declines then at least you have tried to include her.
It is unfair to sacrifice your mil's possible last Christmas.
I get a bit depressed by all the family emotional blackmail that flies around at this time of year. DH and I are dragging the children hundreds of miles to keep everyone happy this year. They can all bugger off next year!

NewLife4Me · 14/12/2015 15:21

Your only option is to have them all at yours. you can't leave your mum on her own.
I know you said you needed the money from the extra shifts but sometimes you have to make arrangements and stick to them. Christmas is one of these arrangements and you aren't even getting the extra money now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2015 15:23

"It's just we've spent every xmas with her and not with DH's family. DH's Mum will be there, she's mentally deteriorating and I'm aware it might be the last one he can celebrate a proper xmas with her. "

My initial thoughts were that it was too short notice; BUT the above really really makes a difference.

PLUS - "Mum knows we've been invited but we've been delaying on a decision". So she knows that you have not said 'no', that it was possible that you would say 'yes'. So the 'notice period' is far longer than just from when you pick up that phone.

I think in the circumstances, you should accept your PIL's invitation and stress to your mum that she is also invited. You say she won't come for reasons you understand and respect - well I think she should return the compliment of understanding and respecting your reasons for going there this year.

It's a hard one, but I think you should go to your PILs for Christmas this year.

MrsJayy · 14/12/2015 15:23

I think you should say we (meaning her too) are going to Ils this year you are welcome to come its 1 dinner /day

Shutthatdoor · 14/12/2015 15:24

10 days before Christmas YABVU.

Host them all at yours.

itsmine · 14/12/2015 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VulcanWoman · 14/12/2015 15:25

Yeah, I think if your mother is welcome at inlaws but decides not to take offer up then she can't expect you to go to her every year.

Original poster
Madmog · 14/12/2015 15:28

She does know I was waiting to hear about my hours. DM doesn't like or hate them, but has always said they're DH's family not hers and she finds it very hard to eat later (which they'll be doing) as it make certains symptons worse which are controlled by medication, food is normally luke warm by the time it's served there etc. She can be argumentative so better that just happens with us than his family too. going to DH's family are petty but I personally understand them.

Maybe we should have thought about it before, but have been trying to cope with supporting my DH through a rough time, not overloading him and trying to work more. We're really like passing ships in the night at mo and I'm trying to juggle everything. Xmas just isn't a priority to us, but to everyone else.

OP posts:
MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 15:29

Agree with MrsJayy, when you phone can you act like you assume she is joining you? Some people feel awkward accepting invites to people's homes if they don't know them very well, especially at Xmas. If you say "we are all going@ that removes the awkward part iyswim.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/12/2015 15:29

Tough one, but I tend to think that you are in the right of it to tell your Mum that you are going to your ILs this year. If she doesn't want to come, that's up to her - it's kind of them to invite her too anyway, so she has the choice not to be alone. You'll be seeing her on Boxing Day afterwards anyway, won't you, so it's not like you won't see her at all.

LovelyBranches · 14/12/2015 15:29

I understand your predicament because my DM is widowed and I wont let her be on her own at christmas. I feel guilty that DH has to choose whether he spends Christmas at home with us and our DS or with his parents. My mother would also never agree to spending Christmas with in laws. It's a really difficult situation. The only way I can see is to host it yourself and invite everyone?

itsmine · 14/12/2015 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovelyBranches · 14/12/2015 15:31

Madmog, your mother sounds very very similar to mine

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 14/12/2015 15:32

Why doesn't DM want to go to ILs op?

Savagebeauty · 14/12/2015 15:32

Love the calls of ",host Xmas" ten days before the event.
If she has been invited and refuses, that's her choice. Go to your PiLs.

hotdog74 · 14/12/2015 15:33

I think that so whatever happens you can have a clear conscience you should put some real effort into persuading your Mum to go the your In Laws for the day. I would be honest and explain how difficult it makes things for you if she refuses and how DH has not seen his Mum on Christmas day for X number of years. You really want to spend the day with her, but this year that needs to be at your In Laws house (and they genuinely would like to see her there). If she still refuses after that and chooses to spend the day on her own, then I think that you can do your own plans and see her Boxing Day.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 14/12/2015 15:35

I think on this occasion you should go to your in laws. Tell your mum she is welcome to come too (presuming she is), and if she decides not to, then it's her choice to spend Christmas Day alone.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 14/12/2015 15:37

I would be with my Mum and let DH be with his parents.

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