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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 05/12/2015 06:13

I think I'd be worried rather than furious.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:16

That has also crossed my mind, but as he's done this previously I'm leaning more towards he's just had one too many and stayed out. I think his colleagues would have been in touch also if something had happened as I know a couple of them

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 05/12/2015 06:17

presuming you have tried ringing and texting and there has been no reply are there any friends you could try?
i'd be torn between worried and furious at this point.

toopeoply · 05/12/2015 06:17

Has he ever done this before. I'd be really worried something had happened. If he just decided to get drunk and stay on the hotel well then he bloody should have let you know. Xmas Confused

ajandjjmum · 05/12/2015 06:17

Totally inconsiderate, particularly as you're pregnant.

afreshstartplease · 05/12/2015 06:18

I'd be pissed off

He has form

It's not okay

This is part of the reason I split from the dcs dad

It started when the middle one was born and I put up with it for five bloody years!

ArmchairTraveller · 05/12/2015 06:18

I think it's very unreasonable for him not to have contacted you and said he was staying. Not being in contact is a big issue in my extended family, we all ring in and say where we are and what our plans are if they've changed.
That needs to change permanantly, if he plans on being a responsible adult.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:24

I haven't tried calling as in the past that's what I have done and when he's finally answered he's made me out to be unreasonable. I've text a couple of times though, all been unanswered but have delivered.

I do have one of his work friends number that I could message but didn't know if that would make me look a bit crazy...

He has done this several times previously, latest he has come home I think is around 7 ish. But he's usually responded during that time (usually to tell me to chill out)

I half expected it but since I got pregnant he has been completely different that I thought maybe this time he wouldn't.

Not really sure what to do as I refuse to put up with this kind of behaviour with a baby... It was different when it was just the two of us.

I do love him and don't want to just walk away but if he's still doing it now I can't imagine him changing

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 05/12/2015 06:25

As he's done it before then he clearly doesn't think he needs to tell you.

I wouldn't be impressed to put it mildly.

HackerFucker22 · 05/12/2015 06:26

Absolutely not ok and I'd be livid.

Even if you weren't 30 weeks pregnant it is still completely unacceptable and if it's happened before then I would be very, very annoyed.

To me it's not the drinking or staying out overnight it's the non communication. I imagine if he'd said he was going to party and drinking and said he'd get a room to save coming home there would have been no issue?

Have you tried to call him OP?

HackerFucker22 · 05/12/2015 06:28

How often would you say this happens?

GreatFuckability · 05/12/2015 06:30

do not let him make this into you being unreasonable. you are not. its absolutely not on to just not come home and not let you know whats going on. pregnant or not, its just not how reasonable human beings behave. i'd ring him. and then ring his friend. it doesn't make you look crazy, it makes you look concerned.

Aussiemum78 · 05/12/2015 06:30

It might be childish but maybe you should pack a bag and go stay somewhere else for a few days. Let him wonder where you went.

No excuse for not even texting. Rude, inconsiderate and tbh Id be wondering if he was cheating.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:35

No I wouldn't have had an issue if it was preplanned. It's the lack of consideration that's pissed me off more than anything... In my mind he doesn't see me as important enough to keep in touch. To be completely honest I'd probably be pissed off still if he text at 3am saying he had decided to stay out and crash with one of the lads and would drive back tomorrow... But mostly because I also hate plans being changed. Suffered with anxiety previously and I'm a bit of a planner now. But for him to not get in touch at all makes me feel like he doesn't care, or care enough

Haven't tried to call... When I have done in the past and he finally answered he would tell me I need to chill out and ridicule me a little saying I overthink etc. and he will be home when he's home. So I haven't bothered tonight

Erm I would say it happens maybe a couple of times a year?

OP posts:
Pensfriends · 05/12/2015 06:35

My ex used to do this. I thought he would change when we had children. He absolutely didn't and he saw nothing wrong with what he was doing. It was always me being unreasonable by worrying where he was. A few times I'd even ring round the hospitals to see if he'd had an accident. It was a very draining way to live. I hope he appears soon OP.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:37

Aussie I've thought about that myself... Otherwise he will think that he can continue to do it and then just come home, have a bit of a row and then all will be forgotten

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 05/12/2015 06:39

My dad was apparently like this when he first got married, because he'd never had anyone actually give a shit about where he was and if he was OK.
My mum wanted to stay in the relationship and so she educated him as to why it mattered, and because he loved her, he lstned and adapted to being in a relationship.
They're still together.

PennyHasNoSurname · 05/12/2015 06:42

A couple of times a year is not rare for this sort of thing. Its a habit.

He either (1) doesnt care enough about you to keep you informed - at what point do you assume him "missing" if he hasnt has the courtesy to inform you? (2) has issues with alcohol - firstly No Drinking, then One Drink, then Not Home (3) hr hooked up.

Id not be happy with any of these tbh.

Blu · 05/12/2015 07:01

The whole point about crashing out is that it you just crash out: you don't think 'ooh, I will just text my partner to say I am about to collapse drink and insensible', so I wouldn't take that aspect personally.

But I would be fed up that he got that far and that out of control .

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 07:03

That's it... Because I've got used to it and his usual response part of me started to think that maybe I was overreacting a little. And that I just had to put up with feeling shitty because that was my issue to deal with and overcome... But anything could have happened to him and I wouldn't think to act on it until after whatever is usual for him.

And I definitely agree with the alcohol issue... When he's out he just does not stop drinking once he has started, often not even being able to remember the night before fully. And that's when I've been with him so I dread to think of what state he has gotten himself into.

I can't believe it's 7am and I still haven't heard from him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 07:06

In his mind it's just a night out with his friends, so no matter what the original plan was its fine because plans change, he's just out with friends and the time he comes home doesn't matter. So to him he hasn't ever done anything wrong

And any issue I've got with that is my problem and not his, he hasn't done anything wrong, I've just overreacted.

That's how he sees it

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 05/12/2015 07:11

You definitely need to be not in when he gets home. Makes sure you don't go back until at least two meal times have passed and I'd try and stay away until he actually called you. Make this the absolute last time he doesn't think about you.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 05/12/2015 07:11

Get ringing OP. It's not good for you and the baby to be this stressed! Ring his mobile over and over. Or ring the place they are all staying. He told you he'd be home and isn't there. Technically he's missing so nobody will think you're unreasonable to be worried and searching for him!

PennyHasNoSurname · 05/12/2015 07:13

How would he react if you did the same OP?

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 05/12/2015 07:13

Good point penny

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