Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Liv87 · 05/12/2015 08:49

I'm actually quite livid on your behalf OP, mainly because I've been in your position and it really is shit. What if something had happened to the baby? What if you had gone into labour? He's ignoring messages from his heavily pregnant wife! I'd consider making alternative plans for the birth to make sure you have someone who you can rely on. Tell him this and make it clear that he has lost your trust and will have to work. Very hard to get it back.

Lweji · 05/12/2015 08:49

Apart from the lack of consideration is the distinct possibility that he ended up shagging someone and slept in their room.
I'd be asking him exactly where he spent the night.

Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 08:50

That is so disrespectful. I bet you're fuming. Get up, out and don't come back until YOU want to.

Bunbaker · 05/12/2015 08:50

I'm staggered that some people think that th OP is over reacting.
This kind of behaviour would be a deal breaker for both OH and me. Neither of us have ever done this to each other.

You could wait for him to come home and tell him you are going shopping and then go out until tomorrow.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:51

The OP is 30 weeks pregnant. If she went into labour the location of her Husband would be the least of her worries. Honestly, let's not go there. Pregnancy is a special and worrying time but you can't expect perfect baby friendly behaviour for 9 months. People still make mistakes.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 05/12/2015 08:52

Go out OP. Have you any mates in RL you could spend some time with today?

HackerFucker22 · 05/12/2015 08:52

Message him and tell him to book another night where he is.

Why should OP go out all day in this shit weather and end up in a crappy hotel or someone's spare room so this useless fucker can come home and have his hangover in peace?

Liv87 · 05/12/2015 08:53

After I left my husband for this sort of behaviour I discovered he'd cheated multiple times whilst on his 'nights out' - the real reason he didn't pick up the phone or answer my texts was because he was fucking someone else.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:53

Poor OP.

I'd stay off the thread for the time being, apart from your dh being a twat you are being asked if he has a drink problem and that there's the chance he may have shagged another woman.

This isn't doing you any good, worry wise.

RogueV · 05/12/2015 08:53

My DH was like this.

Would plan on getting home at 11pm but then he'd get smashed and would stay out all night. I'd ring and text but not answer. I'm pretty sure I've posted on AIBU about this before!

The last time he did this I was 27 weeks pregnant - boy I kicked off when he got home. Thing is he genuinely doesn't realise when drunk what he's doing. I've told him many s time I don't mind him staying out just let me know!

We have a 6 month old DS now so he rarely if ever goes out but will see what happens!

Is he home yet?

TheoriginalLEM · 05/12/2015 08:54

utter bastard

witsender · 05/12/2015 08:54

Not cool. I would be texting to say I was locking the door and not to come back until he was ready to apologise and talk about it like adults.

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 05/12/2015 08:54

Wow. What a selfish prick.

Although I agree with the whole 'teaching him a lesson' thing - maybe OP doesn't want to go out for the day and night! I hate sleeping away from my bed, and I would have hated it even more if I was 30 weeks pregnant!

The fact that he's on Whatsapp and hasn't responded to your texts or missed calls though... He is a cunt, make no mistake.

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2015 08:55

My husband and I both enjoy nights out and have been very drunk many times when out with friends. We always manage to get back to where we're supposed to and let each other know when we'll be late. It is not fair to not tell you where he is.

I'd be hugely worried that he'll do this when the baby arrives and he will opt out of parenting this way. I am pretty chilled about most things but this would not be on for me.

donajimena · 05/12/2015 08:57

Oh I just love the 'he's an individual ' blah blah blah. Yes he is an individual in a partnership. I'm in a partnership and while I am still an individual I have manners and I know that if I stayed out all night without communication I would cause my partner no end of upset so I wouldn't do it.
Its called respect. Also in my single days the only reason I wouldn't find my way home is if I met someone.
Although I do live in a small city where getting home is easy.

ChristmasHousewife · 05/12/2015 08:58

OP, your 'D' P sounds just like my ex. My ex did this regularly when I was pregnant with our child - not only would he come home covered in blood frequently, it was usually after being punched by the partner of whichever woman he'd slept with that time.

Trust me, they don't change. If he's this selfish when you're pregnant he'll continue to be when the baby is born.

As this isn't the first time, I wouldn't be "going out for the day/night" to play his game. I'd LTB. I wish I'd done it sooner myself!

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:59

The point is you can force an individual into a partnership.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:59

Sorry, you can't force an individual into a partnership

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 09:01

Thanks for your support everyone, really helps to be able to get it off my chest at the very least.

I'm assuming he hasn't replied as he cba with an argument so he's delaying it in his mind... Or he's wasted and doesn't give a shit right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 09:04

Just received this:

'Everything's fine. Nothing happened. Leaving soon so won't be long. Xxx'

ive put the key in the back of the door and got back in bed. I'm exhausted!

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 09:06

That text reads like there's no problem at all as far as he's concerned.

Utter fucking arse.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 09:07

Talking to him about this isn't going to make it better. It happens twice a year. You've told him before that it makes you unhappy but he just accuses you of over-reacting. This isn't about you and him having different personalities. It's about you acting as a responsible, respectful grown up and him treating you like shit.

I think you should go away for a few days. Not to teach him a lesson or give him a taste of his own medicine - both of those would be petty. But because you genuinely have to decide if you want a life where you are lying awake worried because he can't be arsed to show you some consideration and respect. If you want a life where your emergency contact and your baby's emergency contact may be too busy on WhatsApp to answer an emergency call about you both. A life where you need to remind your DP to act like a grown up and be responsible. And a life where your DP rather than taking your concerns seriously acts like you're UR. Think hard about the implications of it op because that is not an easy life and it's a horrible one for a DC to be stuck in the middle of.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 09:08

Yep and that's waht I said back, anything could have happened to either one of us and to be completely uncontactable whilst I'm heavily pregnant is unacceptable, the fact that you haven't even apologised for that speaks volumes.

So then I got this:

Fml obv am sorry. But tbh it should be ok for me to have a night out with people from work.

OP posts:
HannahHobbins · 05/12/2015 09:09

I would text this back - 'things are pretty fucking far from fine'. But that's just me. I feel really angry on your behalf.

ShatterResistant · 05/12/2015 09:10

A friend of mine's DH does this. He always has done, and they now have 2 children. Right up until they were married, and beyond, it used to REALLY bother her. But when she realised HE wasn't going to change, she decided she would accept it, and stop caring and worrying about it. The rule is that when he gets home, he takes over responsibility for the children, no complaining or making excuses about how tired/hungover he is. In all other aspects of their lives, he's a great husband and father, so when he does this one annoying thing occasionally, she just lets it go. She's much happier now. I think whether you could consider this depends on 2 things: how able you would be to rise above it (I really admire her, and I'm not sure I could; and whether this is the ONLY shitty thing he does. If it's one of a whole list of inconsiderate and irresponsible behaviours, that's different.

Swipe left for the next trending thread