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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 05/12/2015 08:21

He needs to know it's not acceptable to do this, especially when the baby arrives. I would be calling by now.

frillybiscuits · 05/12/2015 08:24

Yanbu

I'm 30 weeks pg and the father of the baby (I don't want to call him my OH really) is out God knows where still. I told him before he went out that it's not very fair because I could need to go to the hospital and he'd be out somewhere getting pissed. I'm thinking of telling him to piss off and just let his lovely parents be involved.

Hope things go okay for you, I know how it feelsFlowers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:25

Pippa your dh is treating you like a doormat, sorry.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 08:26

Nope not home and not heard anything at all.

Sharoncatastrophe - I don't want to be in the relationship if he is going to continue to do this forever. So I don't want to use scare tactics on him, but I also need him to realise that I will leave if it continues.

Problem is if I tell him that he will probably say sorry t won't happen again... And then next time it happens we have the exact same discussion

OP posts:
var123 · 05/12/2015 08:27

If I were you OP, I'd send him a text that could be misinterpreted as there's an emergency. Something like "Tried to call you. Not sure if I can use my phone. Don't worry". Then leave.

Then wait to see what happens. He'll probably be back in the next couple of hours, or by 12 at the latest (check out time is 11?).

If that text doesn't root him out then nothing will. You can just pretend that you'd decided to go shopping and the signal was dodgy but you didn't want him worrying.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:27

What an unkind thing to say stillstaying. You have no idea whether that's the case.

ProjectPerfect · 05/12/2015 08:29

aposey great advice. If it was the first occasion.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:30

I suspect his battery is dead

Julius02 · 05/12/2015 08:31

I agree with Aposey. What he has done is not at all ok and he needs to understand that. When you hear from him make it clear how upset you are, shout and scream if you need to, and then have a serious discussion about why it is not ok and why it can't happen again. Don't pack bags, change locks and make dramatic gestures - keep the moral high ground - and definitely don't think about saying you're in labour!

It's a horrible situation and I've been in it - the worry and stress is crippling. I hope you hear from him soon.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:32

From reading her post I'd say that's exactly the case Sharon, she's said she's anxious, her dh does as he pleases and ignores her worries. He is treating her that way.

Dipankrispaneven · 05/12/2015 08:32

Problem is if I tell him that he will probably say sorry t won't happen again... And then next time it happens we have the exact same discussion

So you need to ask him precisely what he is going to do to ensure it won't happen again. It probably means that he has to agree he isn't going to drink at these functions, and that is he says he'll be back by 10 then he's back by 10, otherwise you're out of the door.

shebird · 05/12/2015 08:32

His behaviour is inconsiderate and shows total lack of respect for you. He knows that you will worry and that you are pregnant and yet he chooses to disregard that and put himself first.

If this was a one-off I'd be fuming but probably get over it but to treat you like this on a regular basis is a bit worrying for your long term relationship.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 08:33

So latest update is he's safe (or alive at least) as he's been online on whatsapp.... Hasn't bothered responding though!

OP posts:
SeldomAthleticFC · 05/12/2015 08:33

I suspect he has a drink problem. My exH was like this. He would even divert my calls (but not other people's) so I couldn't get hold of him. Every time he didn't come home, I'd be imagining him bleeding in a gutter somewhere even though I knew he was just getting pissed. It's bloody awful.
After 7 years and 2 kids, I got out and now have a lovely DP who always let's me know where he is and always comes home.
It's normal to treat your partner with respect. It's not OK to do what the fuck you like and to hell with your OH's feelings.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:33

She said he hasn't text "home" in various occasions when he's staying away from the house on a lads night. I probably wouldn't either. DH isn't a doormat

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 05/12/2015 08:34

I like the idea of stripping the bed, pouring the milk away, switching the wifi and heating off and going out for the day to visit your parents or friends or go shopping and to the cinema. Breeze home in the evening cool and collected. Be reasonable and calm. Ensure he knows it's not the staying out all night it's the no contact that is the problem.

I understand you are probably panicking that something has happened to him and will be worried sick all day. But if 'something' had happened somebody would have been in touch by now surely?

My husband has never done this once in our 11 year relationship. If he had it would be the last time!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:34

He's been online yet not responded to his Wife?

Hmm

Twat.

var123 · 05/12/2015 08:35

Lbee123 - unfortunately, it is very unlikely that he will step up when the baby arrives. Selfish people don't suddenly become unselfish parents.

shebird · 05/12/2015 08:35

Well now you know he's ok go out and enjoy your day.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:36

I suspect he has a drink problem.

Jesus Christ Shock that really is an overreaction

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/12/2015 08:36

It's fine to stay out all night esp after a work Xmas party - but not fine to not let you know - tbh once he texted at 9 saying he was having a drink I would have replied along the lines - have a few and stay the night there and see you before noon

A text at 10/12 to say he as drinking /staying would have been nice but possibly passed out by then

Ring hotel to see if stayed

And hate to say it :( but any chance he could have gone home with female colleague and been unfaithful :(

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 05/12/2015 08:37

So he's safe, great. But he's ignoring you - outrageous. What kind of behaviour is that? How old is he?! Being a father is going to be a bit of a shock!

Is it beyond the realms that he got it together with someone else last night?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/12/2015 08:38

And he's been online but hasn't replied to your texts???? Shock Hmm

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 08:39

So latest update is he's safe (or alive at least) as he's been online on whatsapp.... Hasn't bothered responding though!

You have the rest of you life ahead of you but its still no reason to waste even the rest of today, let alone a few more years, on this sorry excuse for a man.

And is it really fair to bring a child into a relationship in the hope it will teach his/her dad to come home after a night out?

Liv87 · 05/12/2015 08:39

Mine did this constantly throughout my pregnancy and after the baby arrived. Take it from me, they don't change.

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