Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
SeldomAthleticFC · 05/12/2015 08:40

Sharon if it was a one-off, it would indeed be an over-reaction. As it's happened several times, not so much. I am only speaking from my personal experience. My exH was an alcoholic.

chocadd1ct · 05/12/2015 08:41

I would go out for the day. He hasn't done this for the first time and if something had happened, you would have probably been informed.I very much would assume henis safe!

PenelopePitstops · 05/12/2015 08:41

Leave now!

Stay somewhere else until Monday if you can. Give yourself space and let him realise what a dick he is being.

Flowers
harshbuttrue1980 · 05/12/2015 08:41

I agree that it's terrible that he didn't let you know that he was staying out all night. However, I do see his perspective a little. It seems from what you've said that you wouldn't have liked it even if he had texted you to say he wasn't coming home. In his drunken state, he probably wanted to avoid an argument last night. If I were you, I would totally relax on whether he comes home or not, as he is an individual and has the right to act spontaneously and enjoy time with his friends. However, I would make it clear that, if you agree not to nag and get angry, that his side of the bargain is that he texts to say he won't be home. If he feels able to just text and that it won't cause a row, he will be more likely to do it

Oomph · 05/12/2015 08:42

You need him to get the message. Pack and go, and wait at least a day before you'll contemplate discussing things. The saying something and not doing it is usually a way to get you to shut up while they go about doing what they want. It also shows an incredible lack of respect. I wouldn't be able to live with it. Do you think he may be able to understand your point and change?

prettywhiteguitar · 05/12/2015 08:42

My ex used to do this to me, it started when I was pregnant....

I am now married to an adult and ex has his son every other weekend. He is single again after his last girlfriend left him after 4 years.

They never change, it's about respect, nothing else. He just doesn't respect you and you deserve better.

shebird · 05/12/2015 08:42

He's probably gathering his excuses and arguments together in his mind before speaking to the OP and making out she's being U.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 05/12/2015 08:42

LEAVE THE HOUSE, go somewhere for the day and even the night if you can.

Do not inform him of this, and whoever you stay with stays silent too, even if contacted by him.

Do not be waiting in for him.

It is a total lack of respect for you. And this is what it boils down to, respect. He just knows you will be waiting home. Don't be waiting at home.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/12/2015 08:42

So latest update is he's safe (or alive at least) as he's been online on whatsapp.... Hasn't bothered responding though!

That's really very little love, isn't it?

Stayed out all night without telling you, happily chatting away to somebody, hasn't bothered to get in touch with his pregnant wife.

Go out and go incommunicado for at least 24 hours.

Either it will scare the shit out of him and he will realise what a cock he has been, or it won't and you will know there is no future with him.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 08:43

I would be exceptionally surprised if he was unfaithful whilst sober, drunk on the other hand is a different story and I'm not sure I can say with certainty that I don't think it's a possibility.

He's 28..

And yep... He's online right this second and of course still hasn't been in touch!

OP posts:
Sansoora · 05/12/2015 08:43

I agree that it's terrible that he didn't let you know that he was staying out all night. However, I do see his perspective a little. It seems from what you've said that you wouldn't have liked it even if he had texted you to say he wasn't coming home. In his drunken state, he probably wanted to avoid an argument last night. If I were you, I would totally relax on whether he comes home or not, as he is an individual and has the right to act spontaneously and enjoy time with his friends. However, I would make it clear that, if you agree not to nag and get angry, that his side of the bargain is that he texts to say he won't be home. If he feels able to just text and that it won't cause a row, he will be more likely to do it

OP Assuming you think staying out all night on a bender is acceptable?

And you know what? You don't have to think it is.

Liv87 · 05/12/2015 08:43

I think the ouster who are suggesting a drink problem could be correct. The main issue is him going out and saying he'll be back at a certain time then getting carried away once he gets the drink in him. Starting to drink and not being able to stop (desire very good reasons for going home) is a sign of a drink problem.

One of two things will happen OP either you'll have it out with him and this will be the last of it or he will carry on doing it until it drives you up the wall (and away from him).

Be prepared to walk away if he won't give you the respect you deserve.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/12/2015 08:44

It is almost 9, call the people you know to fond out if he is ok (the fact that he was connected to WhatsApp doesn't necessarily mean he is ok).

If he is sleeping through the hangover, pack a bag, go and stay somewhere else and do not even consider communicating with him for a while. Because if you do, he will just assume that he cab do whatever as long as he is prepared to put up with a nagging fight afterwards, and you need such behaviour to stop NOW and FOREVER now that he is going to be father.

Simply put, you don't need a manchild to take care of, they are far more hardwork than babies, with the difference that unlike childrem they don't grow up (they actually get worse with time as they continue to handover their responsibilities to you)

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 08:44

So latest update is he's safe (or alive at least) as he's been online on whatsapp.... Hasn't bothered responding though!

not being funny, but you know someone has been on line.

Obviously he could be just being a dick. But it's not conclusive that he is ok.

Liv87 · 05/12/2015 08:45

Posters not ouster Blush

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:45

Does he know you can view him online?

I don't know about whatsapp?

TheTigerIsOut · 05/12/2015 08:46

Find out, not fond out!

steppemum · 05/12/2015 08:46

sorry op, but most men do not behave this way, for the simple reason that they have consideration for the other people in their life.

I would not expect anyone in my life to go off without letting me know where they are. It is simple courtesy, so that the person at home knows that you are safe rather than in hospital etc. A text to say he has decided to stay over is not rocket science.

When you are pregnant this is especially important as you could need to contact him at any time.

If he really does not understand this, then I would have some serious questions about how he respects and relates to you altogether. When you love someone, you don't leave them hanging.

At some point in your life you have to grow up and realise you have responsibilities towards other people. Your Dp hasn't done that yet.

And to have posted on Whatsapp and not contact you is actually a spit in your face.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 08:46

And honestly if I was of and thought he was being a dick. I would be going out and staying away overnight.

I wouldn't sit at home waiting for him to come home.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:46

Going out getting battered a few times doesn't indicate a drink problem. Honestly.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 08:47

Still, yes, he will have done it via settings.

Wigglebummunch31 · 05/12/2015 08:47

If my DH did this I would be furious. Not because of the staying out but the no contact. If pack a bag and go away for a few days. See how he likes it.

HighwayDragon1 · 05/12/2015 08:48

Dp did this to me once, phone died and he missed the last train home so he slept on his friends floor I was furious and worried. He accepted it though and was extremely apologetic, because it was an accident and he understood my reaction, because he's not a twat.

Your 'd'p on the other hand deserves a boot up the arse out the door.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/12/2015 08:48

he is an individual and has the right to act spontaneously and enjoy time with his friends.

He's about to become a parent with joint 24/7 responsibility for a completely dependent being.

His days of spontaneously deciding to stay out all night on this piss are over for now.

When you have a baby you can only do that if you think it's OK to dump your partner with all the responsibility without asking first.

And nobody wants to be the mug married to the "spontaneous individual" in that case, because that makes you their skivvy and means you completely lose your ability to ever be an individual or be spontaneous.

AgathaF · 05/12/2015 08:48

So latest update is he's safe (or alive at least) as he's been online on whatsapp.... Hasn't bothered responding though! What a tosser. I hope you're going to find something interesting to do away from the house for at least the whole of today. Whilst obviously not telling him where you are or when you'll be back.