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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 05/12/2015 07:14

What's good for the goose then?

If he's done nothing wrong, he can't complain when you do the same. Tonight. Don't leave a note or call.

Seriously. This is your last chance before baby to make or break this issue. I didn't and suffered years of that kind of crap. It wasn't until I was leaving that I stayed out all night once....he was livid. How could I let him worry? Didn't I know he thought I was with another guy! My response, just like you do to me all the time?

It's probably childish but he won't see how ridiculous he's being until he experiences it.

ProjectPerfect · 05/12/2015 07:15

As someone else said twice a year is a habit and one that he clearly doesn't feel necessary to change - I'd be reconsidering my relationship if I was you.

Minibelle · 05/12/2015 07:16

I would be fuming, it's just totally unacceptable. Aside from the fact that it's inconsoderate and rude you're heaviky pregnant, what if you needed to get in touch with him asap?

HannahHobbins · 05/12/2015 07:18

Yes pack and go, he will be no doubt preparing himself for a bollocking so shock him and let him worry about you. Then don't text him all day.
Fucker.
Sorry you are dealing with this, it must feel horrible Flowers

Strangertides1 · 05/12/2015 07:22

My first thought was the same as penny. Pack a bag and go out for the night, how would he react? However....its a dangerous game if he's not bothered then that's a massive red flag that's he's not arsed about the relationship.

Cinnamon2013 · 05/12/2015 07:25

Completely out of order to put this stress on you when you are pregnant. It's very selfish behaviour.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/12/2015 07:25

But better she gets out now than gives her life to a twat, Stranger.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 07:28

He would probably hate it if I did the same, I wouldn't ever get into such a state that I just passed out drunk never mind stopped caring enough to let him know if I was going to be out later than planned.

I don't want to be here when he gets back, but I also want to know he's okay. Just tried calling but no answer. Now I'm more annoyed.... If he was reading my texts but ignoring me that's one thing, but to ignore a call when something could be wrong is even worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 07:30

If he wasn't arsed then though stranger at least I'd know I was fighting a losing battle for definite...

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 07:33

He isn't arsed. And he's avoiding you now to delay the argument.

100% you go out, have a nice breakfast and relax today. Don't let his actions stress you or the baby. I would be so hurt- I really hope you manage a nice weekend.

ToffeeForEveryone · 05/12/2015 07:35

I'd be calling every 5 minutes. And I would call the hotel. And I would call every one of his work colleagues and explain the situation and ask if they have seen him. I fully expect none of them would think it reasonable that he hasn't let his pregnant partner know where he is all night.

It is absolutely not okay for him to do this.

Lweji · 05/12/2015 07:38

At this point I'd send him a text saying I was having contractions and being rushed to hospital and thanking him for having been at home and in contact.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 07:41

I doubt the Husband would be bothered if the OP stayed out tonight or any other night because it would be so obvious why she was doing it.

As for how to sort things so he doesn't do it again - why would a person want to bother sorting it?

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 07:42

Lbee, this is it in a nutshell.

But for him to not get in touch at all makes me feel like he doesn't care, or care enough

evelynj · 05/12/2015 07:44

Try not to worry too much or get too stressed as it won't help if you are raging when you need to talk to him and he won't be communicative or level if he's desperately hungover. Number 1 you need to know he's ok.

Tbh before dc I would have done this occasionally just because I love the drink & got carried away. I think taking yourself away for the day once you know he's safe is a good idea, mostly to give you time to calm & him to recover before you talk & try to take on board what armchair said & explain to him that you're a team now & if he wants to be in he has obligations. Hope you get it resolved

cece · 05/12/2015 07:45

If I were you I would pack an overnight bag and head out for the day.

If necessary I would then stay out for the night too.

Maybe reappear tomorrow at some point.

Aposey · 05/12/2015 07:45

Im going to suggest something different to most here and will probably get it in the neck for it. I am definitely not saying you are being unreasonable to be upset about this, but I would say you would be unreasonable to be very upset about it.

Yes he should have called or texted or something, but he isn't your child, he is a grown man and should be quite capable of looking after himself overnight. You seem worried that something would have happened to him, but really that is fairly unlikely- he is probably just snoozing on the floor of one of his drinking buddy's hotel room. I'm not saying yabu for worrying about it, but if you let that worry really upset you that wbu.
If it happens twice a year that is not regularly!
I actually think that trying to make this a huge deal and being so manipulative as to now pack and go out for a night yourself with zero contact as others are suggesting I would say would be showing controlling and a bit childish behaviour on your part. Isn't that just saying that you can be as inconsiderate as he can be? Is that really the message you want to send right now?

When he gets back and is less hungover, have a conversation with him about how much it upsets you and what you think the solution is- maybe for him to text you updates so you aren't worried and know where he is.
He probably sees tonight as his one last chance to go out all night as he will know that very soon his responsibilities in this relationship are going to completely change!

It has happened to me a number of times over the years, luckily my husband now seems to have grown out of it, but it certainly did not make me reconsider our relationship. It did make me arsey with him for a day and we worked out some ways to make me less worried, but overall he is a lovely, wonderful caring man, just a bit less considerate when he has had a few drinks.

Lweji · 05/12/2015 07:45

Two things
One is to warn him that a repeat and he'll find his bags by the door.
The other is to text now telling him to reply or said bags will be by the door.
Then explain why it's important to you, particularly as you are a family and a baby is part of it.

Natalieday1 · 05/12/2015 07:46

Aw I feel for u Hun :(
U shouldn't have the stress of this when u r so far pregnant..Seen my friend go through the same thing and it didn't get any better, no one can tell u what to do but do u really want ur baby growing up with this happening?
Hope ur ok and u hear from him soon

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 07:46

Is he likely to be still hammered and not able to hear the phone?

He's a dick anyway for getting so twatted if that's the case.

Do try to stay calm.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 07:48

Well said Lweji.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/12/2015 07:48

Go out and let him worry for the weekend.

MumCodes · 05/12/2015 07:48

My DH would very occasionally do this before we had kids. Once he gets enough drink inside him he thinks he's 19 again, strangely worse with work colleagues. Never done it since we had kids though.

(Though the one time I thought i might have to ltb he turned up looking very sorry for himself and covered in blood after being floored by some little shit testing out his new knuckle duster.)

But yes, a wake up call that this is unacceptable wouldn't be a bad idea. If you do go out for the day (overnight might be feeding the drama a bit much) make sure you put all the bed linen in the wash so he can't just crawl into bed to sleep it off. In fact, it's a lovely windy day, maybe time to air the duvet... (And perhaps accidentally unplug the WiFi, drink all the milk etc.)

Lweji · 05/12/2015 07:49

Aposey

The problem is not so much that he can take care of himself, as the op was happy for him to arrange to stay out, but the saying he'd be home and then not only not going home but not even warning the op. And not bothering to know how the op is. For all he knows she could be having pregnancy related problems.

fucketbanny · 05/12/2015 07:53

Op my stbxh did this with increasing regularity.I thought he would change once we were married,once I was pg,once baby arrived. Unfortunately it was really the first red flag of many to reveal his lack of respect for me and the relationship. If this is the only thing he has been doing that is out of line then I think I would be doing what the others are suggesting and going away for a few days. Childish, yes - slightly, but he is hardly acting in a very adult fashion either and it should give him a major wake up call. If you are honest and look at the relationship as a whole, is this the only issue? If there are other problems then I think you should consider what it means for the future of your relationship. You don't need a manchild to look after/worry about on top of a baby.