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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
XiCi · 06/12/2015 10:22

How can you be with someone who cares so little for you? You sound like a lovely, intelligent woman. Is your self-esteem so low that you will let someone treat you like shit and then have the absolute gall to tell you it was worth it and he'd do it again

It's so fucking sad what people will put up with

clam · 06/12/2015 10:30

Hang on, so he read your texts, knew you were worried and IGNORED THEM ANYWAY????

OP, think seriously about this. And if you choose to sweep it away under the carpet and excuse him, then be aware of what lies ahead for you.

TwoSmellyDogs · 06/12/2015 10:44

Blimey Sopranos - that's such a sad story. What an utter fuckwit he sounds but well done for ditching him. Flowers

BeyondThirty · 06/12/2015 10:47

"it was worth it and he had fun so would do it again in the same situation"

So, odds are the next time you will be randomly left alone overnight with your child then, having no idea if he is dead? Nice man. Very thoughtful.

qazxc · 06/12/2015 10:53

I think you should tell him to find somewhere else to stay for the next week while you work out whether or not you want to stay in the relationship.
He's been thoroughly inconsiderate, worried you all night, lied on the texts (he must have known he wasn't coming back and didn't even have the courtesy to let you know). He's not sorry, is acting like a petulant teenager and says he will do it again.
Are you happy being in relationship where you are treated like this?

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 06/12/2015 11:25

Well, OP, he's told you exactly how much he respects you, exactly how much he cares about your opinions, exactly how upsetting you makes him feel and exactly how your needs (and your baby's) rate compared to his. He isn't going to change. You need to decide whether you can cope with him disappearing whenever he feels like it over the next 30 years.

SuckingEggs · 06/12/2015 11:38

Tell him you're going to think about your future, given his attitude and complete inability to see your point of view.

Don't argue. Be factual.

When you have a baby, your life is going to be hard as hell if this carries on.

AgathaF · 06/12/2015 11:39

Did he have any kind of explanation for why he didn't just text you earlier in the evening to say he had changed his plans, would be out all night, would stop over in someone's room, etc etc? Just that small courtesy would have made all the difference and I just can't see why he wouldn't have done that.

SuckingEggs · 06/12/2015 11:44

He's a control freak.

He didn't want to (in his eyes) do what he was being "told" to do.

He's pathetic.

Jux · 06/12/2015 12:27

Tell him that he knows perfectly well what the problem is, and that you are not going to waste your energy on his silly little games. When he is prepared to behave like a grown up and discuss things sensibly he can let you know. Meanwhile you're going to think about the future and whether you want to be a mother of two, one of which is over 21.

Can you send him to stay with his mum for a week or so?

Jux · 06/12/2015 12:31

Actually, can you talk to his mum? In a "have you any ideas how to get through to him?" sort of way. She may be very helpful indeed.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 06/12/2015 12:38

I've packed a bag and come to stay with my parents. He still doesn't get where I'm coming from and any apology I get doesn't mean anything as it is followed by a but...

I don't want it to be the end, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life just waiting for the next time I'm going to spend the whole night worrying because he will do it again.

I do really love him, but I'll always feel bottom of his list of priorities if he doesn't change (which I doubt he will) and I don't deserve that.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/12/2015 12:42

Take your time to decide how to proceed and what you really want.

He may come to offer a proper apology, but I'd have very firm boundaries and if he ever pulls anything similar, I'd have to be out definitively.
The main danger here, though, is that his selfish and inconsiderate behaviour is not restricted to his nights out. Can you think if it shows in other ways? Because whatever you think is just about acceptable now will be at least 10x worse after you have the baby.

AyeAmarok · 06/12/2015 12:48

You can't change him Lbee, you can only either change how you react to him, or decide whether you want to stay in a relationship where you are the bottom of his list of priorities.

But you really shouldn't feel that way in a marriage. You should actually feel like you're at the top.

You deserve more than this.

RedMapleLeaf · 06/12/2015 12:50

You can continue to love him whilst protecting your well-being and that of your baby. You can say, "these are my boundaries and expectations, it's up to you whether you choose to respect them".

lorelei9 · 06/12/2015 12:59

Good for you Lbee
Is so true that people show us who they are
Deeds not words and all that
Look after yourself and let your parents help Flowers

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/12/2015 13:03

Lbee it's hard but going to stay with your parents was a very good decision. Look after yourself Flowers

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/12/2015 13:37

Well done for going to your parents to give you some time to clear your head

If you weren't preg you would prob leave him - but totally understandable you don't want to have this baby on your own /leave child fatherless - so you need to think carefully what would happen next time

Do you give one more and walk away next time?

Coz there will be a next time

To be told that he read your texts but couldn't be arsed to reply is :(

All this could have been so easily solved by him saying I will stay the night as want to have a drink (fair enough) and will be home in the morning

I am still suspicious that he was unfaithful - why else ignore all texts? To send one saying I'm fine /nothing happened and staying/stayed over - seems suss

magoria · 06/12/2015 13:48

If anything had happened he would have been too drunk to be there.

He cared more about his fun time than responding to your texts knowing you are heavily pregnant and were annoyed/worried.

He will do it again. He told you this.

And again

Leaving you at home with the baby.

That is the level of respect he has for you.

Blu · 06/12/2015 15:00

If you de-camping to your Mums doesn't make him think again, try couples counselling. And maybe do this anyway.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 06/12/2015 15:26

Good for you op, you've drawn the line in the sand. It is so important to have respect in a relationship and that isn't something you can turn on and off at your convenience.

Hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs to grow up, or it will show you the sort of man he is.

Unicornsandglitterpoop · 06/12/2015 16:03

Good for you Flowers
I had an ex who , like yours, went awol rarely but the longer we were together the more often it happened, till it was weekly!!
Best to make a stand now it's just unacceptable you are perfectly reasonable and would have saved you the stress if he'd just text last night to say he'd decided to stay.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 16:16

I do really love him, but I'll always feel bottom of his list of priorities if he doesn't change (which I doubt he will) and I don't deserve that.

I am so sorry OP. I really hope he gets his act together.

A friend said to me this week that in their family thy happily put themselves last. But what's hurts them is that their OH also puts them last and that's what they can't get past.

It's so so hurtful.

BeyondThirty · 06/12/2015 16:33

Its not just you being bottom of his priorities though. You are heavily pregnant and he knew that his behaviour was upsetting you, and didnt even reply. Not only did he not care about your health, he didnt care that purposely upsetting you could affect his baby. What an utter bastard.

MsPavlichenko · 06/12/2015 16:41

This was my life until I left 13 years ago. X first did it when I was pregnant, no mobiles then. By the time I left I no longer worried at all.

He was also an abusive controller, who was also violent , though not frequently. I now realise that the staying out was simply the first expression of his control (also hit me for the first time then). Once I had the DC, I was of course stuck in with them, no option of going elsewhere while he stayed away.

I am so glad I finally left, as are my now adult DC. I am happy, despite difficult circumstances with a wonderful man who treats me with respect all the time. X, on the other hand lives his life as always. Selfish, always putting himself first, never sustaining relationships, with DC who love him, but have no respect for him.

With the benefit of hindsight I should have gone at the start, but easier said than done I know. But, take it from me. This is him, he will not change.

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