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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 05/12/2015 07:56

Wow what a Dick. I second whoever said you should text him and say you're in labour.

Why do grown men do this?!

chrome100 · 05/12/2015 07:59

I think it's fine he stayed out all night. But he should have contacted you to let you know.

DP and I quite often will decide we're having fun and don't come home, but we always have the courtesy to let the other know. Otherwise you will just worry.

MidnightAura · 05/12/2015 08:00

Yanbu!

I would be fuming if my partner did this to me! Your DP should be letting you know if he planned to stay out, his behaviour is selfish. I too would be tempted to go out for the day and make him sweat a bit when he does eventually get home. He needs to know his behaviour is unacceptable!

MamaTeeTee · 05/12/2015 08:00

My H does this probably every two or three weeks. Combined with his cocaine addiction (that I knew nothing about when we married in September) it was enough to make me leave him. He moved out last weekend. It started like your DP at first, just 3 or 4 times a year. Two kids and a wedding later and it's gone from bad to worse.
Kick him into shape OP. It's a truly exhausting way to live.

ValancyJane · 05/12/2015 08:01

Totally unacceptable. My ex would do this to me, and would never tell me he was staying with friends and always acted like I was being unreasonable. One of several good reasons he's an ex! I hope he turns up soon, I think you definitely need to have a serious talk!

GloriaHotcakes · 05/12/2015 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:05

I do agree with aposey. I would be fuming. DH has also done this once or twice and I was raging for a few days. But, he's a grown man, and individual. I can't control him, only decide whether I want him in my life. If you genuinely want to leave (and I can understand why you'd want some space) then do so, but don't as some kind of passive aggressive punishment.
And please don't pretend there is something wrong with the baby for a reaction- that's awful Sad

Creampastry · 05/12/2015 08:08

Has he got a key to get home? You should go out and let him worry. He's very selfish.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:08

I agree about not using 'I'm in labour' as a way to make him call.

He's still pissed and asleep somewhere (probably) which is bad enough.

Travelledtheworld · 05/12/2015 08:08

Any news OP?

Lweji · 05/12/2015 08:10

What is awful is the op thinking he could be in a ditch somewhere and worrying about him when he's probably having fun with not a care somewhere. Or he could be in hospital with alcohol poisoning. And meanwhile the op is still worrying and would have to deal with anything herself because he just doesn't care.
That is what's awful.

Aposey · 05/12/2015 08:12

Lweji I am certainly not saying he is right to have done this, he should have been in touch, and I agree his timing is terrible! But the op mentioned that she didnt like him saying out even if it was arranged and it seemed that worrying about whether he was safe/where he was is a big part of what was upsetting her.

I guess what I was trying to say was that if she is worried about him being ok, then at least it is unlikely something awful has happened. And all this packing and going out overnight or telling him your contractions have started is pretty manipulative too!

They need a sensible conversation when he gets home and is sober. Not all these melodramatics. If this is the only thing that is a problem for the op in his behaviour then surely it is something they can come to an arrangement about?

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 08:12

I want him to realise how serious I am when I say he's pushing me to my limits... And I don't think just saying that will get the message across. I need to know that he's there for me when I need him and that I can rely on him... Not that I'm second best to his mates and a night out when I'm quite pregnant. It's not that I want to be like ah well screw you now it's your turn to worry, I just need him to realise that he can't just say sorry and then do it again next time around. And the only way I can think of to do that is to not be here when he comes home and let him mull it over instead of having the row he's probably expecting.

I can't believe it's now 8 and I haven't heard anything... I don't think he's ever been this late before so I'm not expecting him to return until late this afternoon (I'd imagine he's ended getting a room rather than taxi home) I probably won't hear anything until he's on his way home, if I even hear anything then

OP posts:
Peppapigallowsmetoshower · 05/12/2015 08:12

Is he home yet? Phoned you yet?

var123 · 05/12/2015 08:13

My ex did that to me and I went through the same range of emotions... disappointment that he hadn't come home at the planned time, irritation when it got too late for us to go out as planned, defiance that I would not be sympathetic to his hangover when it got to midnight, fizzing with anger but expecting him any time soon when the clubs were closing.

BY 5am I was really worried. By 6am the anxiety was bad. I was calling the hospitals at 7am and feeling guilty for having thought he was just being inconsiderate a few hours earlier. I was calling his sister to tell her he was missing at 8am.

He sauntered in at 9ish looking fit, well and contented until he saw me. We argued about his lack of consideration and basically cancelling our plans to go out without even bothering to let me know. I lost my temper and dumped him.

Then two days later, I learned that he'd slept with someone else that night.

Dipankrispaneven · 05/12/2015 08:14

It's obviously highly likely that he got thoroughly pissed and is now crashed out on the floor of one of his colleagues' hotel rooms. But he needs to show that he can be a grown-up and accept that that is the very last time he is going to do that, because he has responsibilities to his wife and child. If he can't realise that and goes for the "you're overreacting" response I suspect you do need to use shock tactics like telling him that he's putting his marriage in danger.

Creampastry · 05/12/2015 08:15

Call the hotel to see if he booked a room.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 08:15

Then two days later, I learned that he'd slept with someone else that night.

Yes, there's that aspect of it also.

Youarentkiddingme · 05/12/2015 08:16

Once I knew he was safe I'd be tempted to ensure he came home to changed locks. Simple tell him he clearly doesn't want to live there in partnership with you so you've decided he can please himself as he wants.

Make him see the consequences of his actions and the message he's sending you.

Then I think some talking and communication needs to be done. He needs to know you'll be ok with overnight stays if he tells you that's what they are as perhaps he's saying he'll come home because of previous anxiety etc and actually wants to stay out.

The whole avoiding an argument and ending up creating one anyway!

DeoGratias · 05/12/2015 08:17

Most men aren't like this. Assuming he's not had an accident, he does need to realise he has to keep you informed.
As you say may be make sure you aren't here when he gets back.

When he has a child he won't be able to do this as he'll be up from 2am to 5am some days holding a screaming baby and then up for work next day like the rest of us.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 08:18

He's not going to take shock tactics seriously. Honestly. Men know women* do these things to "teach them a lesson" and they know that's all it is.

If you genuinely want to leave him then that's different. But if there is no intention and you just want to scare him he'll know that.

*it if often women who do this. I've heard so many friends advise others to do the same

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 08:20

Changing the locks is completely over reacting, something I doubt OP feels like organising when she's pissed off as it is.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/12/2015 08:20

Saturday has started now.

Off you go out for the day.

Take some overnight things.

Don't get in touch with him, there's no need.

You're in a relationship where pissing off overnight is just something you do when you feel like it with no need to tell your partner.

So go. Don't respond to texts or calls until tomorrow.

There is no point in having a nice little chat about this. He knows you are pissed off and worried, he just doesn't give a shit.

He's already told you it's fine to do this and not care.

You have 10 weeks to sort this or you will have a baby with a man who treats you like shit and thinks it's fine.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 08:20

Aposey it's not so much the staying out that would bother me even if arranged. It's the 'I'll be home around 10 at the latest' and then getting a 3/4 am text after I've tried to get in touch saying chill out I'll be home when I'm home... That's kind of arranged in the sense that at least I know he's safe in that situation... But I hate being told one then for him to the opposite. It's something he does a lot, even with really trivial things like doing the dishes for example. Just a difference in personalities I guess, I plan and stick to it so if I say I'll be back around 10 then you know I will be where as he is a lot more laid back and so for him plans change and that's just life. So I wouldn't be as furious but I'd still be a bit annoyed with him if he had text early hours saying he was safe but staying out.

Now if he had said lbee I'm going out tonight and I'm going to get a hotel so I'll be back tomorrow... That I'd be fine with.

Does that make sense? Feel like I'm rambling now ha.

I just need to know that he will step up and be responsible when the baby is here, or if I'm closer to my due date and more likely to go into labour... And right now I have absolutely no confidence that that will happen.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 05/12/2015 08:21

I'm a very anxious person and always think the worst. I have a pact with DH. He does as he pleases, lads weekends abroad, sports trips, nights out etc, but I ask him to text me 'home' when he's back to where ever he's staying. Stupid twit doesn't and hasn't on multiple occasions tho- I know it's all drink related but it doesn't half make my bloody boil. Probably because i would never do it to him!!! Chin up x

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