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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

322 replies

limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 19:55

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 23/11/2015 19:56

What has it got to do with school?

SheHasAWildHeart · 23/11/2015 19:57

You are right to be angry.
But what exactly would you be complaining to the school about? That she overstepped the boundaries of TA and student?

CheekyMaleekey · 23/11/2015 19:58

TA sharing a need with a pupil. Not good.

OrangeSquashTallGlass · 23/11/2015 19:58

What would you say to the school?

CheekyMaleekey · 23/11/2015 19:58

Bed, not need!

whois · 23/11/2015 19:59

That the TA shared a bed with her? It's not amazingly appropriate is it?

PiperChapstick · 23/11/2015 20:00

I think it's extremely inappropriate for a TA to have an affair with a parent and be in bed with a pupil. I think you need to warn your ex that a complaint is the step you will take unless he bucks up his ideas, give him a chance to change things first

petalsandstars · 23/11/2015 20:01

Really needs to be some boundaries put in place. I'd speak to school for sure.

catfordbetty · 23/11/2015 20:01

I think this is a matter between you and your ex rather than his employer. Unless, of course, you think there is something sinister in the bed sharing situation.

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:01

Nothing to do with the school.

My ds's friends mum was a TA at their school. Presumably when they were in bed together neither thought "oh my god I'm sharing the bed with the TA!!"

I get that you're angry, but you have no control over it unless harm is likely to come to him.

BarbarianMum · 23/11/2015 20:01

Is it against the TA's terms of employment to be in a relationship with someone else in the same school? I can't see that this is a work matter.

nokidshere · 23/11/2015 20:03

You need to talk to your ex about it really. It's coincidental that his new partner is a teacher at the school , what would you be doing if she wasn't?

Who told your dd to keep it a secret? Did they all sleep in the same bed together or did dd just want to get in with her dad? how old is she?

Bigpants4 · 23/11/2015 20:03

How old is the child?

Cornettoninja · 23/11/2015 20:03

Gosh that's a tricky one.

I'd be inclined to talk to the school tbh. My reasoning being that I couldn't trust them to take anything I said seriously after telling my child to keep secrets from me and it may be the only option to ensure they were suitably dealt with.

You really need to consider the fallout though, there may be a policy against working relationships and it might spark a whole heap of crap with regards to safeguarding issues etc. Only you know the bigger picture, characters and history involved though.

Take some time to consider your motivations here though, if it is about revenge be very cautious about making a move you'll regret through emotion.

WoodHeaven · 23/11/2015 20:06

Yes I can see why you would want to tell the school BUT I would be careful not to make it a way to take revenge/make your ex do whatever yiu want him to do/control the way he is living.

So where is your issue? Is it that your dc slept in the same bed than one of his TA?
Or the fact your dc slept in the same bed than the gf when you thought it was too early/not appropriate?

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:07

Yes OP what exactly is the issue? Is the TA thing a red herring?

Original poster
limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 20:08

Hmm a mixed bag of opinions then. It was an intentional bed share, not getting in later. I have no problem with his new relationship in fact was supportive of it and their outings together that I knew about. I would have a problem is anyone shared a bed with my dd and her dad this early but obviously couldn't do much about it. BUT given that she is in a position of responsibility in her capacity as TA is it not inappropriate/overstepping the boundaries etc? What would other pupils/staff think? DD is 6 X

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 23/11/2015 20:09

I find it odd that people don't find it odd. Even at my DDs nursery the staff aren't allowed to date parents it's a sackable offence!

Minisoksmakehardwork · 23/11/2015 20:10

Initially I don't think your issue can be raised with the school. Two people have met and formed a relationship. What would you do if they didn't happen to work together, much less in a shared space with your dd.

What you can take up is that your dd was asked to keep sleeping arrangements a secret. Given that they were sharing a bed, I don't think it's an appropriate secret to be kept. I'm not saying anything inappropriate did happen but imo it could make it more difficult to define right and wrong behaviour.

Depending on how this talk goes, and how your ex and his girlf react would depend on whether I raised it with the school or not.

Anything other than agreeing it's not a long term arrangement, appropriate behaviour with a young child in bed maintained at all times, and I would speak in confidence to the school's safeguarding officer as I would be concerned that neither TA could maintain suitable boundaries with the children in their care. Or at least, that's something which ex and girlf might need to consider if it got out they were asking a child to keep secrets about sleeping arrangements...

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:12

She's not just a TA, she's her dad's girlfriend. If they aren't doing anything wrong in having the relationship in the first place then I don't think the fact that the gf knows your dd as a TA as well as being dad's gf makes a difference.

Plenty of TAs work in schools with their kids/nieces and nephews/step kids/whatever. The school can't police what they do with those kids outside school.

Original poster
limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 20:13

There is no policy regarding relationships between staff or staff and parents. But even so is a ta sharing a bed with a pupil acceptable then If they are in a relationship with that pupils parent?

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 23/11/2015 20:14

This is not to do with the school. The TA would not be in a bed with your child unless she was with your ex.

I totally get why you're annoyed but the TA is not in the wrong here. Your ex is at fault.

Jhm9rhs · 23/11/2015 20:15

I feel for you, it must be very difficult, but I don't see it as an issue as far as the school is concerned.

catfordbetty · 23/11/2015 20:17

Even at my DDs nursery the staff aren't allowed to date parents it's a sackable offence!

But, presumably, they are allowed to date each other. As far as I can see, this situation involves two consenting adults who are also colleagues. One of those adults also has a child in the school he works at. There is nothing that out of the ordinary here.

ThatsNiceDear · 23/11/2015 20:17

If they're ok to have a relationship (according to the school), then surely the school will not care how they conduct themselves within that relationship? I'm not saying you should be fine with the situation, I'm just saying I'd be surprised if the school got involved, given their stance on the relationship.

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