To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

Sorry I should add, IMHO, in terms of the breach of confidentiality I think the teacher who reported the conversation shuold have told the mum and the head teacher and the TA who said those things (the OP's husband/exh's girlfriend) should have been given the chance to defend herself. If the whole thing was made up it could be ended there and if she had unwisely said this, whether she admitted to it or not, she would know to not do it again. But that is (to my mind) very small fry compared to the sleeping in the same bed with her boyfriend's child while she is a TA at the school!).

headinhands are you honestly suggesting a mum should not speak to her daughter about something she may have heard?

Completely agree with bluebolt's assessment of how the situation is emotionally abusive.

But change does happen. Relationships end and it's better to model resilience then making out that these things should never happen and people shouldn't come to terms with changes. What's better. To say 'it's sad that mum and dad have broken up but they still love you and although everything feels a bit odd now in time you'll feel okay again' or 'mum and dad should still be together and that's why you're not happy and you won't be able to happy anymore, everything is ruined'?

Alpacino re If something is otherwise harmless but adults make it an issue the children will adopt that stance. so do you think if all the adults pretend it is totally normal for dad to leave mum and get a new girl friends invite said girlfriend, who is a work colleague and known to his daughter through her school, in to stay and share his bed with him and his daughter...And then dad to say not to mention it to mum, and girlfriend to say a few mean things to child about mum....the child will think that is all normal? The reality is she may indeed think it on some level, that it is normal but of course it is not normal or desirable! And for her to think so would be very harmful. Because it is totally inappropriate.

headinhands dad may well still love his dd but he said to his wife, after leaving her, that he would do things in a certain may and he has not, he has behaved badly. So has his girlfriend. All this has nothing to do with things changing and moving on.

I think she'd have been better leaving it to the school to deal with. Having the discussion will have made the daughter feel difficult seeing as she is in the middle. It would have been wiser to take it up with the head as the TA will also have been pulled up on her poor professionalism. Of course there will be times when it would be appropriate for the mum to talk to the dd about a specific convo but not this. I imagine the dd feels anxious when the TA talks to her now knowing that someone will tell mummy that they were talking. If the dd had a good rapport with the TA she may now find it hard to talk with the TA because of the discussion about 'what did she say to you'. Op could just say 'if anyone says something to you that makes you feel sad or unhappy you can tell anyone because we all care for you'. That way the dd still feels relaxed talking to the TA.

I personally don't think it's ideal but it's not abusive. There is a difference. Look it's already happened. Dad has already left mum and has a new partner. The involved adults need to work together, not make dd feel like she is in the middle of two sides. As op I would strongly advise the ex to sort out his housing so that dd had her own space for her visits not so that the 3 were never in a bed together. Imagine the ex rents a house with the gf. Would it be okay for the dd to climb in at any point? When would it be okay? Why would it become okay then? Whereas it wouldn't be 5 minutes before? What has changed from abusive to acceptable?

headinhands I think you are missing the point, you seem to think this is all a very normal thing. Climbing into bed, as if she has just jumped up on mum and dad's bed for a chat, not spent the night in a bed with her dad and his girlfriend who is a TA from her school. Have we any certainty this 'affair'/relationship will last, possibly not, maybe he will cheat on her as he maybe cheated on the OP. Then onto the next relationship, will that person also get to share a bed with the child?

I don't think it is helpful to make excuses for this sort of behaviour. I expect most people who have new relationships are very careful how they introduce a new partner to their child. This does not sound at all like that, does it? Would this be OK for you? It certainly would not for me, if this were my child.

As I've said its not ideal but it's not abusive. The op wondered if she had grounds to make a formal complaint to the school about the situation. I don't think so. That doesn't mean I think what has happened is ideal. It's not a case of 'it's either brilliant or abusive'. A lot of our parenting is in the grey areas.

If op had said 'do I have a right to ask my ex to provide my dd with her own space when she visits' I would have been YANBU and agreed it was better.

still twisting yourself in knots to avoid dealing with the secret, which for school personnel- including yourself- is a breach of safe child practices. You are making yourself a part of this problem as you also work in classrooms and are refusing to say that what the H TA and the OW TA did is wrong. Almost everyone who has come on this thread have addressed this and judged it to be wrong- except you and 1/2 others ; but you are the most persistent pp on the do nothing side . Why are you so invested in trying to stop the op from speaking to the HT ?- which is what the most of the pp advise. How cd that impact you?

It was her dad that said not to mention it. I have not advised the op to do nothing, I have suggested she speak to her Ex. Talking to the school will achieve nothing. How will it affect me if op talks to the school? In no way what so ever so in not sure what you're banging on about. It won't affect what is happening in the child's life either. The way forward is between the parents. I'm not concerned with the general consensus, I'm concerned with the conclusion I draw with my own reason and logic.

I'm not trying to stop op doing anything. She asked if she had grounds to make a formal complaint and I said no. I thinking of how to cool the current situation down instead of a lot of posturing.

READ the op. She did not say it was the f who told the c to keep the secret.
The OP has talked to her ex and got lies and excuses.
Who are you to decide that the 'talking to the school will achieve nothing' Are you the HT?
Your 'reason and logic' are not even based on reading what the op has told us but on your own made up fiction.
After 40+ years as a teacher i can give a more reasoned response= yes Op has grounds for a complaint.
What is the basis for your saying she does not?

My dd told me she was told to keep it a secret by her dad in the presence of the other woman.

Funny how you quote that and never address the issue. BTW the opening p by the op does not say it was only dad- but since the OW TA was stood there , she was a part of the 'keep it a secret.' Which is the issue we are all addressing except for you and 1 other pp Also funny how i address you and the other pp answers and then when i address the other pp , you answer. Are you 2 interchangeable? Or maybe it's a case of the hat fits? Whichever - the two of you are way too invested in pushing the op to not go to the HT. Which may be the final push she needs to do just that.Then it will be a case of hoist by your own petard. Long years in schools have taught me that positions of authority are very political . So it wd be foolish to depend on the HT being a buddy of the TAs when this all comes to the boil.

It's not intentional. I'm signed in with different accs on different devices since Jeffry. Nope. OP needs to sort it with ex. HT would sympathise in a professional way but would refer her back to her ex. What outcome would OP like do you think? How will the HT stop it happening?

I get the feeling you want a barney with someone, anyone. Too tired sorry.

Why are you so invested in trying to stop the op from speaking to the HT ?- which is what the most of the pp advise. How cd that impact you?

Why are you making sly digs at other posters?

Had a read of your history and you seem to specialise in commenting on other pp's comments but do not contribute much otherwise.! Hey try something new- read the op and give us your point of view? You do have one don't you?

I've not read the full thread but can you not ask your ex to leave the school and find a new position? Your daughter shouldn't move schools it's unsettling enough when parents split but at the moment your ex sounds like a total cunt thinking of his penis and the ow your well to be rid of him