To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

The dad suggested the dc didn't mention it. Does the op trust the ex to protect their dd?

I'm more concerned about the behaviour of the third TA telling you what was allegedly said between a member of staff and your dc, you can bet that if they are comfortable talking to you about such stuff that they are also talking to other parents about your business, anyone else business.

The bed sharing isn't the main issue.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it especially in such a new relationship. It would concern me that one place the DC might mention any concerns they had would be school - that's less likely as the OW TA is already talking to the DC at school - and the Dad works at the school. I'd be worried that limited her options if there were future problems.

Big issues - a person in position of trust encouraging a child to lie.

Big thing - I personally come down hard on GP when they've tried that. If DC is unlucky to encounter a predator if they've already been taught to keep secrets they are more at risk - and two people working with DC should really know that is unacceptable more so than average person.

Bad mouthing the mother to the child on school premisses.

Bad enough but OP states another TA over heard this and spoke to HT already. It's got back to the mother as well. So it's a source of gossip.

It's possibly human response but it's very unprofessional and unfair on the child. It very stupid on TA part anyway - any issues with other DC and at my DC school those parents would be pointing out the poor judgement and lack professionalism of the TA and wouldn't have a bar of them.

Does the op trust the ex to protect their dd?

I image at such a raw stage trust is minimal. I expect OP trusted her DH not to cheat on her, I expect she trusted he'd put their DC first which doesn't appear to be happening.

Frankly if nothing is done I expect the OW TA would continue to bad mouth the mother.

I won't tolerate teachers and TA bad mouthing me to my children - I'm surprised the OP is expected too.

I don't think social workers would be interested but OP has done the obvious thing of talking to the father - with apparently no impact so next step is asking school for some help managing the situation better.

I suspect a quiet word to the TA reminding them they are under scrutiny by parents and need to behave professionally would be first step though I don't know but the HT would know. It could just be to keep a closer eye on the situation by other staff.

If ex and OW TA get pissy - I point out of they had behaved more professionally at school there would be nothing to comment and that their DD needs support in this difficult time.

I'm more concerned about the behaviour of the third TA telling you what was allegedly said between a member of staff and your dc, you can bet that if they are comfortable talking to you about such stuff that they are also talking to other parents about your business, anyone else business.

Oh yes I'd be very concerned there.

If the OW TA hadn't said anything to the child then there would be nothing to over hear and gossip about.

I would have thought best solution is to talk to the HT - to get both TA s involved in the situation to behave professionally in school and to remind other TA and staff not to gossip about the situation.

Is is a very good reason to talk to the HT and involve the school so they can better manage the situation all round.

no impact

What impact should there be?

If you're saying the child is less likely to disclose abuse because their parent works at their school and are you suggesting therefore no parents work in a setting their children are? What about abuse that happens at school? The child is likely to disclose abuse if she see all adults being adults. The op needs to explain this to her ex. As soon as the op put provisos on the ex it was likely that this would cause such an issue. As for the affair. It's possible for someone to leave a marriage and care deeply for their children as it is to stay in a relationship and be neglectful. Your parenting ability is not determined by your romantic relationships.

support at this difficult time

Thereby insinuating that the ex hasn't creating another few months of awkwardness and bad feeling that the child will be impacted by.

bad mouthing me to my children

Neither the child or the mother remembered. I'd take more issue with the breach of confidentiality that we definitely know took place, not the 'is mummy okay, she looks cross' line that they can't remember. Op this TA friend isn't being a very good TA. She shouldn't have spoken to you. That is something I would be dragged over coals about without fail.

For me this is emotional abuse, the first few months after a family break up should all be about the child. She should not have to put up with this shit and then to take away the respite that school can provide children dealing with this as this is where they can escape adults selfishness she has to deal with it there as well. how any headteacher would be happy with two of her adult members of staff doing this to a child is beyond me.
In less than one term a six year old has been saddled with all this because her father cannot keep his new relationship on the back burner and a TA at the same school as the child is complicit in this.

If you're saying the child is less likely to disclose abuse because their parent works at their school and are you suggesting therefore no parents work in a setting their children are?

Most school don't have parents working closely with their own DC - where it doesn't happen parents are IME are very very professional.

I think it is a big concern the OW TA is bring home situation into school - and yes I do think in that case it make it very much harder for the girl in question to raise any concerns in this case. I don't think it unreasonable for school to make sure that the child and Op are aware that there are other staff she can talk to in confidence if child should every feel it necessary.

If the OP is just out to cause trouble I don't doubt the HT will see through that while also managing to ensure the child in this situation is supported.

If ex TA and DH TA have been behaving professionally - I assume the HT will already see and know this and if they haven't they should start.

The schools my Dc have attended have always stressed they like to be made aware of situations that could be upsetting to the children - things outside of school like family breakdowns or difficult situations.

Personally I think DP TA and OW TA have already created an unworkable situation if situation is as described. I'd be more concerned about boundaries being maintained and my DC school experience than ex-being pissed off for a few months.

Frankly AlanPacino - I can't understand why you think going to the school and having a quiet word with HT and asking for some help managing awkward situation not of the child's making is so unreasonable. Honestly make me wonder if you have an ax to grind here.

Op this TA friend isn't being a very good TA. She shouldn't have spoken to you. That is something I would be dragged over coals about without fail.

And in a quiet talk with HT about all OP concerns she could mention that unnamed staff have approached her and she is concerned about the gossip from staff about the situation.

I agree it's not good behaviour from anyone there.

It is very odd that you are so focused on this - though.

"emotional abuse"

Bingo!

Bingo
This is a six year old child not a fucking game.

pretend your amusement at the disdain for this patently seedy arrangement says more about you than anything else.

Not odd, just that it is the only actual clear breach of child protection on this thread. I the op does speak to the HT they will get a lot more pissy with what the third TA did while working than what the other ones are doing at home as a couple. When is it okay for the child to be in her dad and girlfriends bed? But in all fairness the dd should have enough room to be able to sleep well if this is to continue. A camp bed or something. That's my concern, that she won't be able to get comfortable.

non stop avoiding the OW TA breaching safe child training and bad mouthing the child's mother in the school. Keep on pulling in all kinds of ridiculous comparisons and avoid the main issues. Admitting you work in a school now tho? Wonder why you are trying so hard to pull the wool over op's eyes? Not working tho is it?

What I do is beside the point. Dismantle my reasoning if you can but play the ball not the player. No one can show how this is something for the school to be concerned with. No one has said how it is a risk and what they think will happen over and above being anywhere else. It's typical knee jerk stuff without using logic. I suspect the op has calmed down a bit and has realised she needs to take this up with her ex, such as further arrangements and so on and that this is an issue for them.

I think the most posters it absolutely is a game. Bit of pseudo real life drama to juice up the day.

That's the only way I can explain the hysterical frothing.

As for the child dealing with this shit, children take their lead from the adults around them. If something is otherwise harmless but adults make it an issue the children will adopt that stance. Has the dc told the mother she was upset by what happened. Then he needs to get another bed or whatever. Chances are dd now sees that mum is upset by the relationship which will cause all sorts of difficult feelings for the child when she is with them that she may not necessarily have had.

Alan, lots of posters have said why this IS something for the school to be concerned about.

It's not the posters on here 'having a drama', it's the two TAs who apparently couldn't be adult enough to be single before they started their affair, and must absolutely love a drama if they're now openly seeing each other in the school they both work in.

Of course, they will be at the 'star-crossed lovers/no-one understands us' stage, where nobody else's feelings matter. They're oblivious to the devastation they are causing in all areas of this child's life.

They may kid themselves that the child is happy as Larry about it because she's not said she's not, but little traumatised children very often can't or don't. (Partly because they may feel that the only way to keep the little part of their dad they've got left is to play along with it). What little girl wants to (or should have to) deal with sharing a bed with daddy and his new girlfriend after a matter of months. Cruel and avoidable behaviour by the TAs.

The clear risk to the child (which absolutely does concern the school) is to this child's mental health - she needs protected from selfish, idiotic adults who at no point in this have even thought about her.

I the op does speak to the HT they will get a lot more pissy with what the third TA did while working than what the other ones are doing at home as a couple.

I'm not sure that would be unreasonable at all - focus on how all the TA are behaving at school and stamping down on all gossip.

Then reassure the OP that the child has support at school and help her work out how reasonable or otherwise her concerns are and what if anything needs addressing at school.

That's why I don't get the alarmist post of don't talk to the HT - talking about someone in a much better position to judge the situation than random internet people- stuff like creating another few months of awkwardness and bad feeling by talking to HT.

Chances are dd now sees that mum is upset by the relationship which will cause all sorts of difficult feelings for the child when she is with them that she may not necessarily have had.

Child parents are breaking up and OW is involved - there really wasn't that much chance of her not seeing her mum upset. I don't see how talking to the HT - perhaps getting reassurance changes that or affects that at all. Child doesn't even need to be aware her mother has seen the HT and if she is told could be easily reassured.

Believe me, that child is already having 'difficult feelings'. Adults who think they can do shit like this and the child will be fine/get used to it if everyone just plays along really pissed me off.

*piss

Al Panico what the breach of confidentiality are you talking about? Are you talking about one teacher reporting something they heard? That is not a breach of confidentiality.

Straw man. I haven't suggested there are no difficult feelings. What's done is done. Best thing all parties can do for the daughter is be seen to be putting her happiness first, no one else's. After the third TA spoke to the op the op should have spoken to the school and not her daughter creating more anxiety for the dd about interactions at school.