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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

322 replies

limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 19:55

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

OP posts:

Ripeningapples · 23/11/2015 20:39

Well they should pretend. The people who work in them should be role models. What is it schools now teach, oh yes PSHE. Not to my dc if any person responsible for it conducts themselves like that or thinks that sort of conduct is appropriate.

maddening · 23/11/2015 20:39

pretend - the girls father - after having an affair and splitting up her family should be making it smoother by not confusing boundaries with a woman who is also a TA in the girls school and asking her to keep secrets from her own mother!

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:40

Maybe the DH prefers to co sleep? He is her dad, he can parent her any which way he likes as long as he keeps her safe.

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:41

Of course maddening. But if he's not going to do that then it's up to the OP alone to do the right thing.

OP cannot control what her dad does on his time.

Ripeningapples · 23/11/2015 20:42

His parenting is beyond reproach then pretend?

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:43

Who said that?

Original poster

limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 20:43

My dd told me she was told to keep it a secret by her dad in the presence of the other woman. I have confronted my ex about it he was very predictably first defensive , then apologetic and his explanation is that not telling me was an oversight and she only stayed as the weather turned bad. This would be easier to accept, had he not told dd to keep it a secret. DD then said these 'sleepovers' had happened twice before which really shits all over his unplanned/weather/didn't think story. This is not the first incident. I was also told by a third TA impartial to everybody that she had overheard the gf asking my dd 'your mum looked angry when she dropped you off at school what was she moaning about this time' I went mad at this but my ex Dh and the gf and my dd all denied this conversation happened so i chose to believe them and dropped it. But now with this co-sleeping/keeping secrets I don't know whether I should flag my concerns about boundaries with the school.

OP posts:

Mistigri · 23/11/2015 20:44

The TA thing is a red herring.

What strikes me as deeply odd here is co-sleeping with an unrelated 6 year old and then encouraging her to lie about it. I actually find that a bit creepy.

I'm not sure what you can do other than to calmly make it clear that it's not on (unless there are other reasons to believe that there might be safeguarding issues).

Original poster

limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 20:47

My dd and her dad always share a bed as he is living without the his dad in a single room with only room for one bed. I'll add he only has dd 1-2 nights a week so had the other 5-6 to share a bed with his gf!

OP posts:

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:47

Honestly OP, if you flag this you'll look vengeful.

Reiterate to your dd the rules about secrets. Have a civilised word with her dad. Tell your dd your glad she gets on with gf and support their relationship.

Look at it this way, if she's comfortable enough with the gf to climb into bed whilst she's there then dd is obviously feeling happy and cared for with her dad and gf.

Mistigri · 23/11/2015 20:48

I just read the bit about gossiping about you to your DD while at school. That is definitely not on.

It strikes me that this person isn't good at making sensible judgement calls when it comes to the boundaries between her professional and her private life :-/

Shutthatdoor · 23/11/2015 20:49

I was also told by a third TA impartial to everybody that she had overheard the gf asking my dd 'your mum looked angry when she dropped you off at school what was she moaning about this time'

Hardly impartial if the TA is telling you about it and highly unprofessional.

If that TA had an issue with what had been said they should have gone to the teacher /head not you.

PurpleDaisies · 23/11/2015 20:49

he only has dd 1-2 nights a week so had the other 5-6 to share a bed with his gf!

This is a reasonable issue to raise with your ex. It is nothing to do with the school.

WhatamessIgotinto · 23/11/2015 20:49

I'm a TA. I can't think of any time it would be appropriate for me to share a bed with a pupil in my school, unless it is my own child. I'm amazed anyone thinks this is anything but inappropriate.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 23/11/2015 20:50

Have you raised it with your ex? Surely this would be the place to start..

Funinthesun15 · 23/11/2015 20:51

just read the bit about gossiping about you to your DD while at school. That is definitely not on.

Neither is it 'on' for the TA that overheard the conversation to 'gossip' about it with the OP rather than go through the appropriate channel imo.

Keeptrudging · 23/11/2015 20:53

Misti I agree. I think it's highly unprofessional and certainly not appropriate when the daughter is at the same school. Getting her to keep it a secret? Absolutely not on. They're not putting this little girl first/even considering her feelings and for that reason I would be talking to school about it. Whilst it may not be illegal, most HTs would really frown on this/might gently (or not) suggest they rein it in.

4China · 23/11/2015 20:55

Firstly, she needs her OWN bed at her dads. It's not ok that she is forced to share a bed with her dad. Fine if she chooses to but 6 is old enough to need personal space and she should be allowed that option.

Sharing with him and the GF is unacceptable. If he knew his daughter was going to be staying then the GF should not have been staying, due to the bed situation.

The worst bit is the secret keeping. What is this man teaching his daughter - that it's normal to ask a child to keep secrets about being in bed with them?! Jesus.

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:59

The dd climbed into bed with them didn't she? Which implies that she does have another bed (even if that might be a mattress on the floor)

Plenty of mums co sleep without giving their kids much of a say. I don't see them being lynched or called creepy for doing it.

BlueBlueBelles · 23/11/2015 21:00

As a safeguarding policy, we have to declare every relationship outside of s school to our designated officer, and to what extent (eg friends children, children's friends, relations etc)

I would speak to the school. Not necessarily about the bed sharing, but to make it clear they understand the new relationship - and that you don't want her to be your daughters TA if that is their policy (my children are at a school with lots of parental employees but a policy of no direct working relationships between relations)

I would not be happy, but tbh it sounds like your ex is just a twat. Mine did similar, thankfully not a ta, but went from zero to happy families within a couple of weeks because he's a twat too

Original poster

limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 21:04

Pretend dd did not climb in the temporary sleeping arrangements as dd and her dad sharing a bed so when gf was invited to stay along it was obvious that either the 3 of them would share a bed unless gf was asked/chose to go on the sofa which she didn't.

OP posts:

Ripeningapples · 23/11/2015 21:05

I think you should make an appointment with head to discuss the difficult time your DD is having in relation to your break-up with her dad and how this is magnified for her because her dad and girlfriend are employees of the school she attends. Empathize with the head about how it must be a difficult situation for him/her too. You need the SLT on side for the sake of your dd's well being and this is a good way of achieving that whilst letting the people in charge know what is going on for the sake of your daughter. Cool, calm and collected OP.

Ripeningapples · 23/11/2015 21:06

Why couldn't they have made up a bed for your DD on the sofa?

McButtonwillow · 23/11/2015 21:06

Absolutely unacceptable and actually I do think that the school should be made aware.

She's a TA in your daughter's school and I cannot understand how this could even remotely be considered appropriate let alone professional behaviour.

You can go into school and raise your concerns factually and calmly and hopefully they will realise you are acting purely out of concern for your daughters welfare/blurring of the boundaries and not as a vengeful ex (you actually sound like you have been handling a really shit situation in a very dignified manner).

What a pair of complete tools, neither of them sound very bright. Sorry you are going through this op

TheNumberfaker · 23/11/2015 21:07

The DSL at my school would definitely want to know about a pupil sleeping with a TA (or anyone to be fair) and being told to keep it a secret. Wow!

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