To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
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It absolutely does have to do with the school, a TA asking a child to keep secret the fact they shared a bed at the weekend (no matter how innocently) from a parent is not on.

The lack of boundaries and keeping it a secret is absolutely inappropriate. The fact that they asked her to keep it a secret IMO shows they are well aware that it is inappropriate.

So at what point does it became appropriate for a child to share a bed with their fathers new partner?

It entirely depends on the situation, but not when both parents have agreed to take things slowly and gradually then one blatantly lies and tells the child to keep a secret.

I'm a little surprised at the TA taking such a chance. The rules even for a school bus driver forbid much less than asking the children to keep secrets! I'd be out the door under company escort if I did something like that so I'm shocked it's ok in a school?
I was abused as a very young child. I remember being told to keep secrets. I carried on keeping secrets ( as instructed ) into adulthood. It never helped me. Unsure about how I'd handle this tbh. I wouldn't just leave it be mind you.

Yanbu.

I would contact nspcc as well as social services to inform them and ask their advice. Either ss or you will have to inform the school. Both, your h and his mistress are behaving irresponsibly and inappropriately. I would not want my child to be 'taught' by either of these tas. Is it possible to change schools if the TAs don't leave themselves?

This thread has gone so funny. Normally tales of cheating H and OW would evoke the highest level of support and sympathy but the fact that the individuals who are behaving irresponsibly are school staff seems to somehow make this scenario alright. I call that blind trust in institutions.

Go shake things up op and keep your dd safe.

It seems that the head already knows about the relationship and isn't doing anything about it. I think she doesn't want to do anything about it so I'm not sure what a conversation with her will help the situation.

I don't think it's blind trust in institutions; I think it's like when stuff happens with teenagers and there are lots of cries of "tell the school" because teachers are seen as social workers / parents / police / fixers of all and a few posters saying that you should sort it out yourself because actually if it's outside school it's not the schools remit.

This might be horrid and messy but unless her contract specifically forbids relationships with parents then I don't think how she conducts herself in that relationship is anything to do with school.

It affects the school if she is making comments to your 6 year old in school about how grumpy you looked and what had you been moaning about. 100% unprofessional.

I totally disagree pott. This is not a teenager but a six yr old child at primary school. Her TA is sharing a a bed with her and the child is asked to keep this a secret. This puts the child at risk.

The school need to know about this. Not the teachers though, but the headmaster or headmistress. Ours would most certainly want to know this type of thing. It's not necessarily about the school doing anything but being aware and potentially supporting the child where necessary. The school itself might find it necessary to involve ss in this situation.

The biggest problem is that the child was told to keep it a secret.

The problem is that that TA is behaving inappropriately and blurring the boundaries for this small child. Sharing a bed? Telling the child to lie? Making derogatory comments to the child about the mother? She is bringing the child into the relationship she has with the child's father in a very unhealthy manner, which places the child at risk in a number of ways.

I feel the fault here lies with the TA. Yes, the father is a twat for allowing it, but ultimately the TA is responsible for her own behaviour and she could easily have avoided all of it by saying "No, this isn't appropriate, I will sleep on the sofa" (which also negates the need for the child to lie) and not making comments about the child's mother.

The problem here is not that the father is in a relationship with the TA, but that the TA is trying to bring the child "onside" as it were, and encouraging the child to lie. If the TA worked in a different school, it'd be poor behaviour still, but not the concern of the child's school. Because the TA works in the child's school and interacts with the child at school, this blurs the boundaries and can create confusion and stress for the child and will make the child very uncomfortable if/when the TA and the child's father break up their relationship. It also sets up the child to keep secrets from their mother, especially about people they are in bed with, which is not best practice from a safeguarding point of view. How is the child supposed to know what is and is not appropriate behaviour in that regard when the TA is blurring the boundaries so thoroughly and then encouraging lying about it?

Absolutely talk to the school, she's overstepping the boundaries massively.

the bed sharing is a red herring here.

Unless the school expressly forbids relationships between staff it is not their business. And in truth while introducing a six year old to your new partner just a few weeks after splitting from her mum isn't ideal, there really is nothing the op can do about it apart from make her feelings known to her ex.

Talk of speaking to the NSPCC and social services just sounds like trying to use this woman's position as TA to seek revenge. In any usual situation if a recently separated parent introduced his child to his new partner early on, even if he told her not to tell her mum (which I don't agree with fwiw) nobody would be suggesting going to social services - who wouldn't be interested anyway. They're not going to suddenly be interested just because this woman happens to work in the child's school, where her father incidentally also works...

Op I would make your feelings known to your ex, and the fact that you know what's going on despite you having had a discussion about it previously. That should make your ex sit up and consider at the very least that he can't expect his six year old to keep secrets.

The TA is complicit in a lie and with her position in the child's school the trust is broken. No six year old should be put in that position which impacts her home and school life. She must feel awful by exposing the lie she may feel she has let her father down and a member of her school staff down. No six year old should be put in this position. What other lies will she be asked to keep by her dad.

Surely the issue with work is that the DD is more likely to do what the TA asks as she is in a position of trust?

Good point Onemore when put like that it sounds like an abuse of power almost. The little girl may have been afraid to disobey the TA as well as lie to her mum that's made me feel sad.

Would it be okay if they all laid on a sofa together? It's between the parents. Talking to the school/SS is ridiculous. It was the parent who said about not telling the other parent. It's outside of school. No one is a perfect parent. Does the HT need to know about other ways staff who are parents haven't handled things in a way that the other parent is pleased with?

I have worked with my children in school. Children are capable of understanding that we have different roles in different places. For example my kids know it is okay to cuddle me outside of school but not fair at school or all the kids will be wanting cuddles all the time.

Alan, they are your children though! No one is questioning the dad sharing a bed with his DD even though he is also a TA.

Additionally, it has been reported (although not verified) that the TA has made a "girlfriend" style comment about the mum being a moaner but has done so in the school setting; if this is true, then the TA's boundaries are all wrong as she wouldn't make a comment about a moaning mother to any other child.

In the best possible way, do not impose anything on what your OH does in relation to gfs. Certainly not in relation to what "you feel comfortable with".
He's an adult and he's the father. I'm sure he can ascertain what is reasonable, if you are happy with unsupervised contact.

I agree that he needs to make provision for his DD to have her own bed, and she should not have to share a bed with her dad or anyone else.
But, apart from that, life moves on, I'm afraid. And you imposing anything on them it's not fair on your DD, because she will just find herself in the middle, having to keep secrets not to disturb you. (and not only because she is asked to)

"My dd and her dad always share a bed as he is living without the his dad in a single room with only room for one bed. "

This sounds like three people are sharing a single bed - if so, cramped!

I don't think that there is anything sinister going on with the TA. I do think she hasn't thought through professional and personal boundaries though; if she had, I think she wouldn't stay over or would sleep on the sofa when the DD was there and would not say anything to the Dd about OP during the school day.

It would be no bad thing for the head to have a general conversation about boundaries regarding children that staff know outside of school.

I'm also surprised the TA isn't bothered about the DD reporting to her class mates on any snoring or raggedy pyjamas!

Jesus, what incredibly bad judgement your ex has. Really sorry OP.

I have no earthly idea why parents to expose their young children to their extramarital sex lives within months of meeting new partners. Appalling behaviour.