To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

She was not sharing a bed with the child as a TA, she did it as the father's partner. Unless staff members at the school are actually prohibited from having relationships with each other, or staff members are not allowed to also be parents of kids in the school, neither the school nor anyone else can put limits on how they behave around their partners' children. Where would that end? When would they decide that it was appropriate for the new partner to be allowed to be affectionate with the child? Would the restrictions persist after marriage? It's unworkable. People have to be allowed to have a normal private life outside of their employment.

Being told to keep it secret was completely out of order. But that's between you and your partner, OP, not the school.

PHANTOM is completely right here.

PHANTOMnamechanger This is not about them being TAs. You might as well ask the question about would you be happy for a farmer share a bed with his new partners child.

This place is bonkers tonight!

I don't think anyone is saying sharing a bed with the ex's girlfriend is right phantom, or that it was ok for them to tell her not to mention it to the op.

The issue is whether or not it is anything to do with the school.

She was either having a relationship with the father of a pupil or the relationship is less than 12 weeks old. A six year old should not be having to deal with this shit when she probably has not even come to terms with him not being with her mum.

I wouldn't tell the school but since august isn't that long. I don't think it is unreasonable to not want the gf in the bed with them also I see it as her intruding on their bonding time after the family dynamic changed.I might be reading it wrong though.

I think the sharing of the bed is a red herring. It's about the daughter being aware of a relationship between two adults in her life and the blurring of professional and personal boundaries.

The GF is in a position of trust and therefore she doesn't get the luxury of being able to say that she is not a TA when she clocks off for the day. Same goes for the dad. Their professions and the context of those professions means that like it or not they have extra considerations and responsibilities towards the OP's DD. It's a conflict of interest.

If the school isn't aware of the relationship then they need to be. OP stated that she had requested that the introduction of their personal relationship to her DD was done gradually, as a lot of parents would agree with in case the relationship runs its course. The situation is different because the DD will still have, possibly daily, contact with her DF's ex should it end and she deserves to be supported at her school should situations outside of her control arise.

Ideally the DF and GF should have kept it to themselves for as long as possible given the complications of the childs school and homelife, but they haven't. She may not completely understand the complexities yet, but she will at some point and will definitely know that it isn't usual to spend time outside of school with another staff member.

It absolutely is about them being TAS in the same school as the child. They have a duty of care towards all the other children they work with, why are they not showing the same care with this child, who must be very confused? It is the child's school, no child wants their Dad's (very new) relationship to be the subject of playground gossip. How these two can expect parents or children to treat them with respect as professionals is beyond me.

If this was in schools I've worked in, the parents would be having a field day gossiping about it, every little possible sign of how their relationship was going (or not) would be analysed. There would be a lot of judging going on. Same for the pupils, who would also be overly interested in it. Different school from child, no issue (although it's too soon, IMO). Same school, BIG issue.

The relationship is unlikely to last as it will be very much frowned on, so then the child will have to deal with 20 questions about that too. Poor, poor child.

llluh how misguided are you to say it's about a father and his girlfriend

They work in the same school as the dd.
She is working as a teaching assistant, in a safeguarding role - and sharing a bed with a pupil in the same school.

How can this be appropriate in any way?
I am thinking of my pupils now, and trying imagine a scenario where I had to sleep in the same bed. Nope. Can't think of any way that would ever happen.

Let's not forget the fact that this is a new relationship and the dd was encouraged to lie. Disgusting in every way.
No boundaries at all. No professional judgements here, and no respect for a little girl

Mumsnet is surreal.... I've seen posters get such a slating if one of their kids walks in on mum with new partner in bed. Yet here it seems like op is being made to look like a loon for considering raising it with the school.
This is absolutely something the school should be aware of. The TA has only been on the scene (as far as DD knows ) since August and already she's having to share her time with her dad with her. The fact that neither father or new girlfriend sees anything wrong with this shows complete lack of good judgment from their part - and it's just unprofessional. I'm certain other parents will gossip about this, and that's another reason head teacher should be made aware. Lastly and most importantly I bet this has the potential to have a negative impact with DD time at school, eg she has row withTA then has to see her at school, or becomes too attached to her. I would love to see if any of the posters who feel this is not a school issue are head teachers themselves !
These are for you op.

So at what point does it became appropriate for a child to share a bed with their fathers new partner? Never? After XX months? When they are married?

Or a mother and their new partner for that matter.

Massively inappropriate, it would surprise me if the crossing of boundries wouldn't meet the threshold for a LADO referral

Main issue aside, be very careful if you talk to the Head about what your "friend" TA told you. That was a a massive breach of confidentiality and is a disciplinary offence.

read the first page so maybe the keeping it a secret from her mother has been addressed. IMO this is the most damaging aspect of a very unprofessional sit. The secret keeping is so wrong . It raises a barrier between the child and her mother . It causes the child conflict, doubt, stress and will lead to lies and disloyalty if the father and his gs continue this practice. For that reason alone i wd report this whole sit to the school and the governors and the edu auth. Take this very seriously op. They are undermining your dd's relationship with you and teaching her that it is ok for her to be involved in sits and keep you in the dark = lie to you by silence-and that is ok with her father. Document and tape what your dd has told you and take it to a lawyer. Alienation of affection between a parent and child is a legal concept and will be relevant in the divorce proceedings. There will be more of those secrets and it is so unfair to your dd and to you that they think this is ok. Keep it light with your dd so as to not scare her into keeping quiet and get it recorded. Get advice as to how to deal with this from an experienced children's counsellor and a lawyer.

Quick name change to protect the innocent. I am a Headteacher.
I haven't read the whole thread however from what I can see

There is no suggestion that either school employee has:

behaved in a way that has harmed a child, or may have harmed a child;
possibly committed a criminal offence against or related to a child; or
behaved towards a child or children in a way that indicates he or she would pose a risk of harm to children.

I think PHANTOMnamechanger has it totally right.

I think the bed-sharing is totally the point and the asking the child to keep quiet about it and the woman being a TA at the school. All these are relevant. she may not be acting in the role of a TA when at the home of her boyfriend, BUT she is still a TA and a TA at the school of her boyfriend's daughter.

OP in your shoes I am afraid I would have to mention it to the school. Whether they would be interested or not, I would cross that bridge when i came to it.

I am gobsmacked so many people seem to think this is OK! It's not. As someone else pointed out TAs cannot even share a room with school children. Yes, the child is her dad's daughter, obviously, but she is not this woman's daughter, she is the OP's daughter and the OP has every right to be fuming about this. And I am guessing it is only because she does not want to appear angry or bitter that she is not appearing even more angry.

That poor little girl must be so confused :(

I would tell the school so that they are in a position to support your DD throughout what must be a turbulent time for her (& I would advise that regardless of where the TA works).

As an aside, pretty shitty behaviour on your ex & the GFs part. Totally wrong to tell your DD to keep it a secret.

actually op you shd leave the questionning to someone qualified to do that so as not to contaminate the evidence. You need professional advice as to how best to deal with this . There are so many layers of wrong in all of this it's hard to know how to sort them out.

Wow, I'm surprised you are calm enough to type, OP!

What PHANTOM said.

febreeze - the child has been asked to lie, by adults she trusts, about a situation the adults are fully aware is inappropriate for several reasons. I would be if someone put my child in that position because although this is just one incident, if it happens repeatedly it is emotionally abusive.

behaved in a way that has harmed a child, or may have harmed a child;
possibly committed a criminal offence against or related to a child; or
behaved towards a child or children in a way that indicates he or she would pose a risk of harm to children

Asking 6yo's to tell lies about which adults share a bed with them poses a risk of harm.
Massive blurring of boundries presents a risk of harm.
Showing such a lack of care for such a young childs space/privacy and welbeing presents a risk of harm.

But quite aside from that partner of 12 weeks shares a bed with your child would usually be considered to be placing that child at risk of sexual or emotional harm, or does it not count because we are talking about teaching staff? Is it only an issue if your not professional?

I've seen threshold documents with it being considered a risk with longer term partners

Of course a simple way to get some advice on the matter is to phone the nspcc and talk it through with someone who is qualified to make that call.

Op talk to the school.
This is very inappropriate.

I would have a massive problem with the lack of boundaries and the keeping of secrets.

This ^ and I'm so SO surprised by the amount of posters who seem to be OK with a 6 year old child in bed with their dad and his girlfriend, 3 months after separating from her mum. This little girl has to deal with her feelings about her parents separating and when she goes to dad, her mum is 'replaced' with a school TA. I still have an issue with it even if she wasn't a TA, but the fact that she is most be so confusing for this little girl. Can't those who don't see a problem see how confusing this may be for her, or the fact that she's been told to keep it a secret is plain wrong? Some people don't seem to give a shit about children involved in a separation and they're just supposed to accept what's happening around them without a thought. She's a child, not a dog.