Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

322 replies

limcelloinprosecco · 23/11/2015 19:55

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

OP posts:

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 23/11/2015 20:20

Personally I'd have a massive problem with my DD being asked to keep it a secret
That is completely and utterly wrong as both a parent and a TA

Helmetbymidnight · 23/11/2015 20:20

You poor thing. Horrible situation: your ex sounds like a twat and she sounds like an idiot too.

Try and be calm about it.

I would just say next time you see him, its been three months since you left, and now our DD is sharing a bed with your GF and you are telling her to lie about. In what world is that ok?

PotteringAlong · 23/11/2015 20:20

But she wasn't in bed with a TA. She was in bed with her stepmother.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/11/2015 20:21

Is she a TA in your daughters class?

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:21

Maybe they asked the dd not to mention it because they knew the OP would go off the deep end.

It's wrong, but possibly understandable.

Oysterbabe · 23/11/2015 20:22

It's the bed sharing that's the issue. A TA shouldn't share a bed with a pupil.
I don't think you should tell the school though, just tell your ex that you're thinking about it so it better not happen again.

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:24

She's not "a TA" outside of school though. She's dad's gf.

How is that hard to understand?

ImperialBlether · 23/11/2015 20:24

Stepmother? For god's sake, how can she be her stepmother? She's not married to the father and it doesn't sound as though she's even living with him.

Chattymummyhere · 23/11/2015 20:25

Could it not be reported as a safeguarding issue along the lines of you've daughter has come home and told you she has been told not to tell you about it which is raising questions and if their is anybody in the school that your dd would be able to talk to?

Isn't that the bigger issue really the whole keeping it a secret from a parent surely not something a teacher or TA should be encouraging one of their own pupils to do?

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:27

Safeguarding?! Way to make a mountain out of a molehill!

How's that going to help the child?

BerylStreep · 23/11/2015 20:28

The TA is not her stepmother. She is at best, the Dad's new gf, and from the OP, most probably the OW.

I would have a massive problem with the lack of boundaries and the keeping of secrets.

Personally I would be inclined to have a conversation with the safeguarding officer in confidence.

Anomaly · 23/11/2015 20:28

For me the issue is that given their jobs they should know that the situation needs careful handling and that encouraging a 6 year old to keep secrets from her mum is a terrible idea. It shows awful judgment on their parts. I'd be wondering if they'd actually listened when getting their child protection training.

I probably would have a word with the school but I think depending on who deals with it you may just get brushed off.

MrsKCastle · 23/11/2015 20:29

Does the TA work in your DD's class or have much contact with her in school? If so, then I can see it causing problems if your DD gets close to her at this early stage. Otherwise, I don't see that it has anything to do with the school. However, they should absolutely NOT be asking your DD to keep the sleeping arrangements secret and they should know that perfectly well working in education.

0dfod · 23/11/2015 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoodHeaven · 23/11/2015 20:29

The fact that your ex told your dd to lie makes me think he thinks it could be a big source of problems.

BarbarianMum · 23/11/2015 20:30

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:30

I'm flabbergasted.

OP should be enabling as smooth a ride for her dd as possible by making life for her dd as normal and stress free as possible.

Attempting to get dad's girlfriend fired or in trouble at work with some half cocked idea about secrets makes her look insane and does nothing to safeguard the child.

Ripeningapples · 23/11/2015 20:33

The issue is that your dh and the gf were employees who entered an adulterous relationship in a workplace where the child of one is a pupil and the mother of that child the wronged partner. It isn't the bed sharing per se, although the secretiveness is a red flag. The real issue is that two adults have breached professional boundaries at the expense of the dignity of a pupil and parent.

If I were the OP I would want either the former partner and gf or the child to move schools. Completely unacceptable conduct on the part of two adults; one of whom should have thought about the needs of his child before the needs of his penis.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 23/11/2015 20:34

WoodHeaven yes, he can see his ex-partner reacting to it by trying to get the GF fired - that's the source of the problem he foresaw, and seems pretty accurate. OP YABU, it's nothing to do with the school, if they don't mind parents being TA's, then they can't mind parents partners being TA's.

PurpleDaisies · 23/11/2015 20:36

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your ex but I really don't understand what you hope to get out of complaining to the school.

What do you hope will happen?

pretend · 23/11/2015 20:36

lmao at the thought that the school gives a shiny shit about "adulterous partners" and "wronged mothers"

Some people need to get some serious perspective.

BigChocFrenzy · 23/11/2015 20:36

Before complaining, you need to ask DD again if they really asked her to keep secret from you that they were in bed with her.

If so, it sets a bad precedent for her to be keeping such secrets from you - in the future, maybe someone quite different might ask her not to tell you.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 23/11/2015 20:37

why is she sharing their bed? does she co sleep with you usually? is there no bed there for her? seems a bit odd to me that a 6 year old is bed sharing with dad and his GF.

yorkshapudding · 23/11/2015 20:38

OP, if you do speak to the school, what are you expecting them to do? They have no power to prevent your DH from co-sleeping with his child on the nights his girlfriend stays over just because she happens to work at the school. Unless you are seriously suggesting that the bed-sharing was sexually motivated then I don't see how this is a "safeguarding issue". This is a communication issue between you and your ex. Other than embarrassing him, his new girlfriend and to be honest yourself, I don't understand what complaining to the school will achieve.

Bigpants4 · 23/11/2015 20:38

Has she not got her own camp bed at DH's?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13